Some self reflection

Seems like it was close to 2 years since my last post. Honestly, it didn't feel that long ago.
Noticed there is a new feature called night mode :D it's pretty neat.. and now I can write at nighttime without straining my eyes ;)

I've been writing out of the Steem platform since my post 2 years ago. I've been going through some emotional roller coasters and I noticed writing them down kind of helps me calm down a little bit. I subscribed to a journal app called "Journey" and I typically write "rich" stuff in there. Any writing involving very specific individuals which I need to keep private will be written in Journey, else it goes to Steem.

I guess what I wanna write here is that in the past few months I've been feeling distressed. I'm not sure if it is the result of constantly working from home and having physical disconnection from colleagues, but I'm feeling quite emotionally detached from them. I start to care less and less about what they do or how they are doing, and recently I noticed I am not that keen on seeing them face to face anymore. This was exacerbated by certain individuals which I wrote in Journey and I will not discuss them here for the sake of their privacy.

Over the past few months, I noticed a few 'individuals' seemed to get a little irritated whenever they post some questions to me and I tried to answer them as honestly and thoroughly as I could. It happened during face-to-face conversations when I was in the office, and when I was giving an explanation, I would notice their face would scream "stop it !!". Honestly, I'm not sure why they would react like this, I did not say anything rude. They asked something and I answered. Should I be more of an asshole and answer it partially?

Another thing is I think there is an impostor syndrome within me. Today I would say my journey to Australia has been fairly successful and I pretty much surprised everyone back home. What I want to confess is, sometimes I feel I am unworthy of this success, and I do feel it is a fluke at times. I was just extremely lucky compared to others who have tried and failed. Tracing back to the origin of this syndrome, I think it has something to do with my upbringing. When I was a kid, my parents would always compare me to my elder brother. I was always the naughty, unruly, mischievous, and underperforming son while my brother is the total opposite of that. Whenever I failed certain tests/exams, my parents would say I am so much weaker compared to my brother right in front of me. I guess this is common among all Asian households eh? but little did they know they planted a seed of inferiority in my subconscious and I will always think I don't deserve better than my older brother, and I am everything less compared to him. Don't get me wrong, my parents are great, they provided everything that is necessary for my success such as education, etc. but they do not provide me in the emotional department. I grew up almost not knowing what is a good/bad emotion and how to handle them. This leads me to a few suicide attempts a few years back when I could not figure out my own emotions, and the implications of my actions as a result of not being able to figure out my emotions to the people around me.

So.. the lesson is, I will raise my kids differently compared to how my parents raised me. I won't discard his/her feelings and focus only on their academic success.

Time is getting late.. gotta sleep.