Ten Ways to Stop Fucking Around and Make Your Dick Bigger

In this day and age everything sucks.

You should make your dick bigger.

Here's How:

1. Identify the truest version of yourself, focus on your breathing, and start calling yourself Jesus in public places. You would be surprised how easy it is to become enlightened once you accept that there is no such thing and that the understanding of such is what enlightenment actually is!

2. Put yourself in extremely uncomfortable situations for the sole purpose of being able to brag about it later. The worse the better, stop eating, avoid happiness, get a divorce, the options are endless and no one will be more impressed.

3. Call your dad and ask for advice. Your dad's dick is probably larger than yours! Use him as not just a loving father figure, but as a tool to help you get what you want out of this life. Turn empathetic conversations into subtle ways to probe for information as to how your dad made his dick so much bigger than yours. Make sure not to do this too much or he'l realize what a heartless shithead son he has, and how much of a horrible father that makes him.

4. Call everyone stupid but you. Women will be impressed by your ability to talk down to others from a distance, they'll see how strong you are because only someone so strong could be wise enough to know what's so damn stupid about everyone else.

5. Work out. Every day. Even if it's only a little. Start with two pushups a day and work your way up from there. Avoid jogging, it's bad on your knees, plus you need to lose weight so focus on reducing calories and really focus on quitting your addiction to sugar.

6. Pull really hard on your dick, eventually it'll stretch.

7. Only sleep with women who are really really small. Seek out asians and latinas. AVOID BLACK WOMEN. THEY ARE NOT ONLY USED TO VERY LARGE PENISES BUT ARE ALSO MORE CONFIDENT, THEY WILL CALL YOU OUT.

8. In fact, don't hang out with black people at all, you're bound to think about it from time to time. This will work perfectly if you're a libertarian, cause you're not hanging around with black people anyway.

9. SUCCEED. YOU MUST SUCCEED. Do whatever it takes, manipulate, lie, cheat, use, whatever. Despite all those "hippy assholes" telling you that true happiness comes from fostering loving long term relationships with both yourself and your community at large, you know the true answer is to make a bunch of money so you can fuck extremely hot and stupid women to make your ex wife jealous even though she stopped thinking of you twenty years ago.

10. Never have sex. You can tell everyone you have the biggest dick in the world, and there will never be a real situation where proving so will be necessary. Every time a woman is attracted to you, tell yourself that they're not good enough and be on your way, really isolate yourself. Eventually you'll forget about the actual size of your penis and may even forget that you're lying! Our perception of reality is determined by social understanding, so as long as you and everyone you come in contact with believes you have a bigger penis, it'll pretty much true as far as anyone's concerned!

Is your dick bigger yet?