How To Lose Friends and Annoy People!
Too Many Friends?
Who Needs Them Anyway?
Change your life forever with the How To Lose Friends and Annoy People Program!
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If you upvote this post and do not lose friends and annoy people within 30 days - I will give you a return upvote!
My methods are fool-proof. This is my quick start guide to being an asshole. You will lose friends and your ears will be burning in no time!
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Let's get into it...
Know Everything, About Everything
It’s important to never admit that you are wrong. When talking to people you must keep your mind closed at all times - this is very important.
Some people are going to tell you that you are wrong, or that you may have missed something - they are lying- you are perfect and incapable of making mistakes!
They do not have a clue what they are talking about. You are way smarter than them.
They should be hanging off every word that you say. They should be grateful that you are giving them some of your valuable time as you share your deep wisdom with them.
Unfortunately, most people are very ungrateful and talk to much. That’s something that you’re going to have get used. It's not easy knowing more than everyone else.
If you find yourself in a conversation that you know little or nothing about, wing it. Make it up as you go along and keep digging a hole for yourself - think of it as a training drill. The deeper you dig, the more skill that will be required to dig yourself out of it.
Importantly, don’t back down, fight tooth and nail to win at all costs. You must not lose face, especially when other people are listening.
Don’t Let Them Get a Word In
The person that does most of the talking wins most of the time. Don’t stop until they surrender.
Don’t believe that old fallacy that says that the first person to talk loses. It’s just another trick.
Your mission is to take control of the conversation right from the start.
Start by looking them straight in the eye. Try to intimidate them and get them on the back foot early. Be confident - stand tall, pull your shoulders back, pump your chest out and suck your belly in.
When they talk - switch off, don’t listen to a word they say.
You can read their minds - you already know what they are going to say before they say it. It’s important to stay at least one step ahead of them at all times.
These people are evil - they want to alter your mind and force their opinions on you. Remain on-guard at all times.
As you are staring into their eyes pretend to be interested in what they are saying.
While they are babbling begin thinking about what to say next. Once you know what to say - cut them off immediately and talk over the top of them. They may resist you initially. If they continue to babble raise your voice and keep increasing the decibels until they back down. Once they’ve complied you can begin to lower your voice, gradually.
Keep talking for as long as you can. It’s important to not let them get a word in - that is the name of the game. If they are so rude as to interrupt you, raise your voice again, repeat as often as is necessary.
If they persist, try pointing your finger at them, wave your arms in the air, try rolling your eyes and shaking your head. Tapping your index on your temple will send them the message that they are crazy. Body language is very important.
When you encounter an unusually stubborn specimen that is not responding - stare them down while holding your breath until your face turns red. Unfortunately, you will need to stop talking for a few seconds to achieve this - their loss.
When your face is as red as a tomato, you are ready. Now is the time to really let them have it.
Yell at them at the top of your voice. If you accidentally spit on them don’t worry about it - you’re very close to putting them back in their place.
If there are other people in the vicinity your chances of success are much greater. If their aren’t people nearby encourage them to walk with you as you herd them towards a more populated area. For this reason, always try to meet your friends (adversaries) in a busy public setting.
I could have included lying, getting drunk and obnoxious but I’m quite certain that the first two techniques will ensure that you will soon find yourself leading a very lonely existence.
Truly listen to what people have to say.
Always be open to learning something new.
A spoken or written word cannot be taken back.
Stay in the present. Display genuine empathy and compassion.
There is a time to talk and a time to listen. There is always the option of walking away - some times it just isn’t worth it.
There is a reason why we have two ears and only one mouth, use them proportionally.
I learned much of this the hard way - don't make the same mistakes I did.
Do the exact opposite of everything that I said in this satirical post and you will have plenty of friends and an awesome life and that is my wish for you!
Be Kind
Peace, Love & Truth
@SteemTruth
Fortunately I already unfriend all my friends. Thank goodness I know what to do if I contact another case of friend. You really can't be too careful!
Good post, thanks for sharing
This comment has received a 0.10 % upvote from @booster thanks to: @hamzaoui.
What's friends?
Very Very Witty! I like it a lot.
I hope this post reaches far and wide and perhaps falls on the right ears. The old quote: "If you tell people the truth, you better make them laugh, otherwise they'll want to kill you" comes to mind. Well played @steemtruth, well played.
I definitely need more practice to be able to really listen to others, to hold space for them, instead of trying to give them solutions or try to fix the problem they are telling me about. Thank you for raising consciousness.
The inspiration for this post came as I looked back on some of the people that I've alienated and the mistakes that I have made. In many cases I wanted to help them, others times I was just being pig-headed.
I've never heard that before but I love it. George Carlin was pretty good at that. I wonder how many people he woke up? Or planted a seed in that grew? Probably quite a few.
I'm glad that you got a take-away from this post @lyndsaybowes
Thanks so much!
I looked it up, it a George Bernard Shaw quote, but sometimes attributed to Oscar Wilde.
Yes, George Carlin is DA MAN! Same with Bill Hicks. All brilliant at spittin' truth!!
Love it. Thanks!
A very thoughtful post It is very difficult to learn some things until you make mistakes so you should learn fro other peoples mistakes I will try to remember
what you have learnt from life.Thank you.
Thank you @islandwoman
Brilliant!!! lol
Please check out my latest too and give your, CLEARLY honest feedback...lol ;)
“You will never amount to anything” they said. – Well, I may not have achieved everything I want as yet, but I am still alive –and had you asked me 20 years ago if I would be able to see myself where I would stand now, the answer would most definitely have been NO. In fact, I don’t think I saw much for myself at all, in terms of “future prospects” – it was just not something that I thought about, sadly.
https://steemit.com/life/@jaynie/you-in-the-sky-with-diamonds-rock-your-world-20
You asked for my honest feedback so here it is:
It takes a very brave person to tell their story as you did - well done. I enjoyed reading it and even better - you came through it all and you are still standing and fighting.
People should never give up - it is never as dark as what it seems at the time. I hope that this post saves someone's life one day and gives them the courage to not give up and make the changes that they need to make in their lives.
grea post!
I have mis-managed every relationship I have ever had (the internet didn't help!) approaching a half century of doing so - wish I would have thought of this creative post. Nice job !
Thanks @lanceman. Truth be told I learned much of this the hard way! All the best!
I've been needing haters for a while..... Thanks