This thing doesn't impress me

1 ) Hookup stories.
Bro! I had a threesome with Swedish models in the back of a limo.
Erick! I met Leonardo Dicaprio at this club and totally gave him an O.T.P.H.J in the booth.

Look. People fuck. Small people, tall people, old people, bold people, young people, well hung people etc. Hearing you had sexual intercourse is like hearing you ate waffles for breakfast. Lots of people have waffles. Not everyday, but it’s common enough that it loses novelty. Interesting to hear about, but generally unimpressive.

2 ) Anniversaries.
Erick. Charlene and I are celebrating our 6 MONTH anniversary. How CRAZY is that?

“Totally insane man. Big milestone. Congrats on the love.”

Don’t get it twisted. Relationships are hard, but these time stamps on how long people have been together isn’t brag worthy. All you gotta do to stay together is not break up. There’s no anniversary for me every year I don’t die. Oh wait, there is. I’ll have cake and everything. I’m a hypocrite on this.

3 ) Shout out birthday posts.
Happy birthday to my SPECIAL friend. I can’t tell you how AWESOME they are. God I’m so LUCKY to have them in my life. Yay to another year with you best frann.

The gesture is nice, but the generic execution is what gets under my skin. What’s the point? Are you trying to hype them up as a person? Show you’re capable of forming positive friendships? Display your humility by posting a status that shines light on someone else?

I know people are extraordinary, but there’s something off putting about masturbating others to death in a public forum. I know it’s supposed to have a feel good message, but a majority of them seem to function as a trojan horse for something else. Then again, maybe I’m wrong and overanalyzing. Wouldn’t be the first time.