Empowered...if I can accept it
Whoa. Holy shit. Just saw thru something...Chills of realization!
Booking a photo session with Robert Sturman, my friend recently saying to me, "you're a trail blazer", Kim Anami commenting on my Instagram page 🙌🏽...these have all been contributing messages. But then coming across these words on Instagram last month at the Moment I was all ready and ripe for them were the kicker:
Below 👆🏼the picture Sarah said, "she can't play small to do this. She is being asked now to step fully into her truth, her power, and share the pulsing magnitude of her gifts with the world."
...chills of realization!! 😳
Here goes my effort at explaining the realization:
I've come to see myself clearly in the last few years. Who I truly am... I am very sexual, a devoted lover and mother, loyal, open in mind and body, authentic and humble in nature or just due to my past. I'll save it for another post, but this is radically different than the ever-changing-face-to-please-those-around-me way I lived for the 1st 40+ years of my life.
But only last few months am I realizing that with knowing thyself - comes power. This would be true for anyone...once you can see yourself and life with clarity, you come to know not only your limitations, but also your strengths. You can't play old ego games with yourself and deny who you are and what you are capable of once you know yourself and become aware of your true capacities with clear seeing! I have power. There, I said it. It feels weird and so I will say it again - "I have power." Gulp
I don't mean in an egoic way, "look at me and MY greatness. I'm all that. I'm amazing and above others!" No. Not like that. Power in the sense of the potential to impact, influence, inspire, move people. Power in the sense of the ability to cause effect.
Omg...I have power. 😳
I started to recognize and acknowledge this in my post last month, "shining star". I even acknowledged in that post how foreign and awkward it felt for me to acknowledge that "maybe I'm meant to shoot through like a shooting star and influence people". And hell, that post/that song was from a moment 1 year ago where I first felt This way. I had inspired a friend to make a decision to go for his dream. I was so joyed in influencing someone else to pursue their joy. 😆😃🤗 it was a high that I will never forget
So the real "ah ha" point here that I'm spiraling around saying is this. 👉🏽 I just noticed that my habit of telling my transformation story (mainly on Instagram but some here), and of telling over and over again how crazy my life used to be, how bad my anxiety was, etc is an indirect way of acknowledging that my reality is now the opposite. That my life now fucking rocks. That I have health and wealth and centeredness and the power to influence people. I still get anxiety triggered some days, but overall I am dramatically better! I'm just not as comfortable yet saying how my life is now in the affirmative. My comfort zone is in telling what I'm NOT like anymore and that way avoiding actually having to say the amazing part about the present. And that is that I am centered, loved and I feel amazing. That I have health, wealth, power in knowing myself and the ability to help others. That I have it all.
Few weeks ago my friend called me a "trail blazer" after I yet again humbly received her praises about how my owning and being open about my sexuality has positively influenced her own views about her sexuality. I haven't been able to reply to her "trail blazer" comment yet because being called that is so foreign to who my ego identifies as. Being a "trail blazer" is foreign to the story I'm attached to or the role that I'm more familiar in playing.
I've been holding onto playing small and staying humble in an effort to not have to look directly at my potential power. If I acknowledge my power then what? With power comes responsibility, work, and the ability to influence people! Gah...That would be a very new role /way of living for me. I mean I've been stepping into my potential power more in the last year in being involved with opening a yoga center, but still mainly in the "awe shucks, it's nothing" way. It's not that it causes me shame, but that I don't know yet how to just relax and be comfortable with owning my power. I'm much more comfy in the "awe shucks it's nothing. I'm just over here trying to see thru my crazies. Thanks for letting me know that me being me had any kind of pleasant influence on you. But I didn't do nothing on purpose, so I really don't deserve any credit. (Blush blush. Brush it off bashful.) "
It's funny because now I can see that this issue has chased me for at least 18 months. Started with my first totally anonymous blog that I started on WP 3 years ago. A few really devoted followers who told me how my words and me being me were impacting them and waking them up to their own shit. My response every time was the usual "Awe shucks. Thanks and I'm glad for you. I'm just over here working thru my crazies...". Then last year the yoga center..."awe shucks. I'm nothing. We are just providing space for my friend/co-owner/master instructor to do his thing. (Humble. Blush. Try to Avoid further praise.)"
So how to proceed now that I see clearly? Maybe there is great value in playing the awe shucks humble role of "I'm just trying to be my true self and keep my crazies away". Of "yes I might shine now, but let me remind you from whence I came so that you won't shame me for now letting my light shine." 👈🏽 This humble mode IS part of who I am and has been working well enough.
Or maybe this nagging question I feel of "how now to proceed?" is life nudging me Fwd to the next level of living? I'm not looking to be anything large or famous. But I am increasingly comfortable with ...just being more and more me out loud. And if some see me as trailblazer, then I'll flow with that and not resist it. If others see me as being too much and too open, well then I will flow with that as well and let those folks have their experience and opinions. My job is to keep finding my truth and to live it.
(All photo credits, except Sarah Harvey as noted, and lots and lots of my personal growth credit go to @sean-king )
Thank you for your post, I really relate to this. I have also been slowly coming to realise/remember just how powerful I am. And I do feel it comes with a responsibility that I don't always feel I'm up to. I'm definitely still figuring things out for myself on this.
This quote by Marianne Williamson talks about just this, and really hit me hard when I first read it:
Onwards and upwards to you and everyone on their journeys to their best self <3
It's a long process for some of us...figuring things out for ourselves. I adore that Marianne Williamson quote. 🙏🏽 It spoke for me when I first found it years ago. Glad to know it resonates with you too. Glad to find you here and thank you for your words of support.
I think you have hit the jackpot here today. I feel a sense of awe and happiness for you. Because u know what?? I think this post was waiting to come to the surface for a long time. There was hints and whispers of this 'power force :] ) shimmering - & here it is in all it's glory!!..
I almost felt teary !.. because its so hard to imagine that this compelling woman once felt anguish, anxiety.. and empowering you are - this is why we all here keep coming back to your blog.. we see the inner sparkle we have within our own selves that has yet to surface.. the confidence , the courage.
Say it again lady - you have the power
xx
EDIT: phenomenal piece .. RESTEEM to empower others xx
You're right! This post had been waiting to come out. It came out of me almost a month ago actually, and then sat still waiting in my phone notes to be released. I kept wanting to edit, revise, make better and more clear. But it was just done and needed to be set free yesterday. Thanks so much sweet friend.
I struggled with anxiety and self doubt most of my life. I still do some days...it doesn't go away when you are wired this way. But I am getting better at finding tools to manage it, practicing them, and At not believing the self doubt devils when they raise ugly their little voices.
Thank you so much again and as always. 🙏🏽 Especially for that last part...if I can inspire someone else to search for, find, or just believe in their own inherent inner sparkle power ✨then Ive done my part. 😘
I am glad you made that decision to put it out there!,it was so wonderfully positive & I wanted everybody to see it!- because I have suffered from anxiety too.. (Thank Goodness not for a long time!)-.
That post, you screamed out at me ''I am winning!!!!, I am the lover, the mother, the FIGHTER!'' xxx
& you share all that essence that makes you, YOU with us here!.- The caring mother, the hot vixen :] & that humble- adorable free spirited lady :)...
If it was real life we would have to go for a coffee & I would be asking you for tips on just letting myself go... (i.e. becoming brave enough for a photo shoot, lol!)
Thank you for making my day brighter with your support), sweetER friend x
Had to read it twice! I'm German and a text this complex can be challenging, particularly when I'm anxious (!) to not miss any detail and and fully understand everything.
Its almost funny, how I "worked" my way through the first paragraph, trying to figure out, if you liked or disliked this "comment" by Ms Sara. At first, I thought, this seems weird, because I sort of felt exactly what she wrote, after the first few pictures I saw and we exchanged a few comments... Well, reading on I figured, you liked it, as its sort of a headline or an introduction, right?
In the end, it all makes sense, but it doesn't really surprise me. One of the very first posts I saw here on steemit was the one with you on the Streets of Asheville and I immediately thought, that there was something very special going on.
As you might know by now, I spent many years on creating a large scale piece of artwork on the Major Arkana of the Tarot Cards. One way of looking at them is the so called "journey of the fool". You look at this row of 22 cards/pictures as the journey through a human life. Roughly at the point, where we would put the middle today, in the late 30s, early 40s, there is a big turning point.
After the "XII - Hanged Man", we get to a cross road and many give their life a new direction. I'm not going to bore you further with all the details, but from there we go to "transformation", learn to balance, are faced with temptation and destruction, find hope and confidence (in ourselves), are one more time faced with fear, to finally step into the light. The rest is the final step onto a higher level of existence, whatever that might be...
Thank you for letting me know you a little better by your posts and comments since I first saw you doing the high heel yoga 😇
Enjoy "XIX - The Sun" 🌞
😊 Love your tarot - cards Reinhard!
I just write the way I speak in my common expressive vernacular. I am sorry that made it so arduous to translate for you! But thank you for your devotion and effort to understand me. 🙏🏽
I suppose that It is common to experience a turning point and transition at this late 30s or early 40s stage of life. I haven't studied tarot and did not know how beautifully they reflect the cycle of a life well lived!
Your tarot card creations and your knowledge of the system is incredible. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and all of your support. 🙏🏽😘
Oh no no no, its not your writing, I actually enjoy your style (in everything) very much. Its just been a long time since I lived in the States and my language skills are slowly but surely deteriorating...
Plus, reading your text twice isn't only because I wanted to make sure I understand everything.
I grew up in a time, when a letter was still written with pen and ink and when I received one, I always found it way to valuable to be read only once... guess it became a habit for me to still read any "message" I find appealing several times :-)
The Tarot has been a big inspiration for me, and I find it a little sad, that most people only see it as a method to predict the future. For me it was always more important as a tool for self awareness/knowledge. As for my art, the cycle of a life was always the predominant theme. I think, it actually reflects any human life, the "chapters" just have different length and weight. And you can face the tasks and events awaiting you passively... or actively, like you obviously did.
I don't like the aspect of reading cards, because it assumes something predetermined.. or at least, the seekers of an answer view it as such. For me its much more important, that each "chapter" or aspect of our life has this theme and it is open to us what we make of it.
You're not only a gifted artist, but also with words. Your comments are often so well composed, sincere and full of great insights that i delay in responding to your response, because I want to reply in kind in quality! (Did that even make sense?) you are brilliant @reinhard-schmid 🙏🏽
These conversations are the extent of my Tarot card education besides one or two Google searches. I find it fascinating and had no prior idea that, as you say, the cards could be used as a tool for self-awareness and self knowledge. I assumed, like many I guess, that they were only used for divination and future telling.
It's funny because my first interaction with Tarot was March 2016. I had a personal insight back then that for that month my focus was to be willing to play the fool. Willing to look foolish. Willing To take chances etc.… I was trying to overcome something that was holding me back in my personal life. I had previously thought of playing the fool as a bad thing, but googled the phrase then and first learned that it came from tarot and also meant letting go of old ways and outdated identities. The fool was associated with a fresh start. And ever since my resolve that month - my life has radically changed for the better.
Looks like I delayed my answer for much the same reason.. ;-)
What a beautiful compliment about my art and.. to my great surprise, about my writing? I feel very flattered, particularly since I normally avoid writing at all cost! Although I am afraid, I might not be really all that brilliant after all, I thank you very much for sending me such a big warm ray of sunlight this morning!
The Tarot is an incredibly complex system and there are.. how do you say.. different schools of thought? Different approaches, or philosophies, some of them competing with each other. My mentor was a very down to earth man and I always enjoyed his simple explanations, although his knowledge was beyond imagination. Unfortunately, there are also a lot of very narrow minded people engaged in the subject, and it can be frustrating, when they insist, that their way is the only one... Much like in any other field I guess. Wonder if you ever have such issues with other practitioners of yoga... but then again, I'm sure you could easily... outpose.. pretty much anyone (for lack of the proper word)
What you write in your last paragraph, is a perfect example for the meaning of the fool card. I have read a few of your older posts, but was getting a bit embarrassed with my comments. Figured, you must think I'm complete loony, with things I see for example in photos, which were likely made with completely different intentions.. I guess, this is where the second card comes in, the Magician. I feel my antenna is always out and there is a constant flow of creative energy... not always to everyone's delight ;-)
I am very happy for you, that you experienced your rebirth so strongly and am amazed, how you actually felt the fool theme in such an intense way.. it is very likely, that you will go through the whole cycle again, but some chapters may now have a different importance, or you are simply much better prepared and equipped to handle them!
Just saw your comment... I haven't even read it yet, but wanted you to know my first gut response - it makes me smile and I feel eager to absorb And reply to these, I'm sure, thought provoking words. Might take me some time, but just letting u know your words have been seen.
Excellent post. I love watching your journey unfold as you find yourself and your joy in helping others. I think with that power and responsibility comes an increasing circle of empathy where you can use your influence to help make the world a better place, a world we all want to live in. I look forward to seeing what you do with your power and the joy it brings you as you continue to inspire others.
"I think with that power and responsibility comes an increasing circle of empathy where you can use your influence to help make the world a better place, a world we all want to live in. "
I think that's a great way of putting it. As long as we keep our intentions pure and in love, we can't go wrong!
And imagine if we all lived our lives fully and to our potential, had pure intentions and acted in love, what a different world we'd have. It all starts with us :)
This awakening is truly awesome! I think anxiety is tied to our inner health and by realizing and becoming comfortable with your true self this anxiety is melting away. I see a future for you without anxiety even being a factor and something you mention as being part of your transformation process.
If you feel the power then harness that power. Don't stay in the corner, be the lion and go forth. Some people won't like it and that just helps you weed out the people that shouldn't be in your life in the first place.
Like you, I have spent much of my life trying to please EVERYONE which is an impossible task. I didn't even realize it until I was in my thirties and I still struggle to keep my desire to please people in check. I know this is only a small bit of what you've posted here but I really do feel your pain in that sense.
Pleasing other people is exhausting and after all the agonizing and trying to be perceived the way you want to there will still always be people who see others in a negative way. It's a very difficult thing to let go of and I feel a little better knowing that there are others like me and people who have overcome this desire to please everyone to some extent.
Regarding finding yourself and accepting who you are, I'm really happy to hear that you've made some progress over the past few years. I still struggle to even grasp who I really am on most days. That too is exhausting in itself. Maybe in another decade I'll have overcome this and I can that wasted time and energy into better things. Steemit has kind of helped me let go of my own fears about how others perceive me as I'm more anonymous here than I am on Facebook. On fb I have people I work with and family members who can see everything that I post and I always wonder how I'll be judged / perceived by them because a lot of the things I do and the things that are important to me and make me who I am are not generally accepted especially in the part of the country where I live. I feel very isolated in that sense. In so many cases I'm an exception to the rule and I fear that people will unfairly judge me based on my differences.
This was a great post and I can tell you really poured your heart out here. Keep the honest and inspiring content coming!
Wow John… I had no idea we have this in common. See folks like us, with this struggle I mean, long fly under the radar of our Challenge being noticed by others, because our security plan is to please and as a result we don't cause much trouble! I hid my anxiety really well because revealing that would've caused distressed to those I was trying to please and being a pleaser… We just don't do that! Also, I think this pleaser tactic starts young before we are even conscious of what doing and then it becomes our norm and our baseline… I didn't realize I had anxiety or that I tried to deal with it by being ever pleasing to everyone until only the last few years. Thank you for letting me know you can relate to that part, because like you said it does feel nice to know I'm not the only one. It is exhausting and something I work to keep myself free of more every day.
IMO The not knowing who you are and the pleaser issue are intimately related. When we live in other peoples' heads, trying to figure out how to be in order to be to please this person and then change to please that next person, it prevents us from ever really being present. From looking introspectively at who the hell we even really are inside! For me this habit also impacted my ability to develop deep genuine relationships with friends in the past, because if you have no sense of center then who are you going to be when you're just hanging out with someone being " yourself?" In that situation...There is no known self to be.
This is a process to overcome and you are well ahead of where I was at your age. 🙌🏽🙏🏽 I too started out finding more comfort practicing being myself in an anonymous way online. Over the years different websites and blogs I have slowly revealed more and more of who I truly am as I figured it out along the way. I'm nearly fully revealed in truth now on Steemit and Instagram except for not going by my "real life" name here...and a few other details.
Yeah I've been a people pleaser and a perfectionist since I was 10-12 years old. At least that's when I realized I was a perfectionist. The people pleasing realization came to me in my mid 20's but I'd been doing it unknowingly for over a decade.
I still struggle with it and I think it kind of takes its toll on me mentally...trying to please people is frustrating and exhausting but I feel this weird obligation to do it still.
So much to think about here, sis. First, let me state that I'm proud of you and think you're awesome. :) Shine like a star!
Second, to be all about me, lol, this post brings some of my own stuff to the surface and I'm going to outline some of the fast thoughts I had while reading it about why I play small sometimes:
Worry that if I play big or have greater success I'll lose people in my life.
Fact: I've lost people at the level of success I HAVE had. It's been fascinating to see the friends drop off out of jealousy.
Fact: a realization that the person I most don't want to lose is my husband and, in the past, and even a bit now, I haven't known if he would be able to play bigger than he has in the past. Meaning, step into higher ambition for himself. But, I think he's doing this now, finally, and I like to think that seeing me go for my own dream and encouraging him to realize that this is THE TIME, right now, for change. (Of right now is always the time for change, but you know what I mean.)
But, yes, I think these relationship losses are what hold me back from playing bigger. And, of course, what we've talked about how being out and loud about what I write with my legal name identity puts my child in a position to have to deal with that during a potentially perilous part of the growing up process.
Also, I was raised by some fairly fearful people, both of whom encourage me regularly to hide who I am and what I do for more time.
All of this is rattling around in my head and I thank you for bringing it to the surface now. We should talk sometime about how you're dealing with these things with your C so I can glean some ideas. Love you.
Thank you sweet sis. 🙏🏽
I never thought about your husband's gentle nature and his tolerance of playing bigger as a factor in your lifestyle or career choices, but I totally get that now that you say it. Are you saying you were conscious of this all along, or just from reading the post you seeing it? Doesn't matter. Just curious. I'm really glad he is finding steadiness and happiness as career wise he steps outside his comfort zone a little more.
And, I guarantee witnessing you being a little more outloud YOU had impacted him and supported his growth. Shine sister. ✨🌞
I don't think of your parents as very fearful people. Compared to mine they live like sky divers! But now that you say it, I get it. Their fears are just different than what I was raised with, and are certainly projected onto you. And that your day job puts you in frequent close contact with them, and dependency some what on them, that's a big influence or at least an energy suck that you are dealing with.
Also you are so much more social than I have been in the past. You have always had so many friends, enjoy frequent face to face time with them etc. Up until the last year or 2, I was such an introvert...I only had a few friends that tolerated my neglectful style of friendship, and I was very satisfied with that! And then lately my life, and heart and social circle has expanded so much through my little yoga world, but they are all the kind of friends who love each other for their authenticity. With my friends now, the more of ourself we each reveal, the more we support each other. It's amazing really 💗 So I don't have that fear of losing old friends as much as you. A little, but I see me living more authentically as myself as a litmus test. If that runs off an old friend then that relationship is no longer meant to be. "The pain of remaining a tightly clenched bud became more worse than the pain of blooming..." kind of thing. :)
The daughter thing is a point worth it's own comment section or even a seperate post. Would love to talk more about that, but I'm outta time here. 😘
Love u and thanks again for openheartedly sharing your thoughts and experiences.
I think life pushes you into new areas and ventures some you never even imagine to get yourself to further levels. That's why sharing our stories are so powerful.
I agree! I think it's also amazing to see how differing our experiences and situations are, but yet a lot of us seem to be learning vey similar lessons and coming to vey similar conclusions in life. That to me shows just how connected we truly are as human beings :)
My job is to keep finding my truth and to live it . I've found the finding part more often then the living with it part . It's clear that my work here is not done .
Those are 2 different steps indeed. About 18 months ago I was stuck...through much introspective soul searching I had found much of my truth, but I didn't know how to take the next step and live it. I even wrote a post on my old blog "how do I go from preaching it to living it?" It's a hard shift to make, but often life provides us with opportunity when we are really ready to make the change.