Father's day

I see everyone posting pictures of their fathers and themselves. They enjoy happy relationships, or at least they are proud of them. I am not.

I'm writing this in English out of shame, out of fear that someone I know would reach out to me. The number of people that read me are scarce, perhaps imposing another barrier may help.

It is hard to withstand the idea of having a father that's always been there, who I know truly loves me, but who can also become a monster in just a snap of fingers.

All of my life he's been abusive and has degraded my accomplishments and efforts.

"At your age I had already won dozens of awards..."

This man is my dad. A person who's always been there, whose complaints have become my curse. He has given me everything, but at several points has made me feel guilty because he paid for those things.

Recently, I found the Reddit board "Raised by Narcissists" and it has helped me so much. I have always felt guilty because I am "supposed" to love my dad, because he has "been there" and has "provided" for me and my mother, but no.

Providing and being present are responsibilities, those are things that must be done no matter what. Love is another subject.

Perhaps I cannot say what is love, but I do know that it has something to do with cherishing life.

"To love" is a verb, as stated by Covey in his 7 Habits book. One must seek out to love others, to make them feel special.

My dad is 70-something years old. He has a different set of ideas and beliefs, perhaps it is OK for him to yell and stomp down on others. Perhaps it is ok by his standards, but not for me. I do not want that in my life, and that is what I must ferry through this period of me.