Pain

I’ve never really given much thought to pain. Thankfully in my life I haven’t experienced much of it. In fact when someone asked me today if I have a high tolerance for pain, I didn’t even know how to answer. Does anyone? There is no way to compare my pain to yours as I can never feel what you feel. Does your skin feel the same way my skin feels? Does your heart hurt the same way mine does? I will only ever feel my own pain so I will never know the answer.

This morning as I was about to leave for work I quickly became in, what to me was, an immense amount of pain. As I was climbing back over the fence after checking the chickens, I felt a strong burst of pain and began clutching my lower abdomen and bent over in discomfort as I walked as swiftly as I could back to the house. I went to the bathroom and yelled to my boyfriend to start googling possible explanations for this sudden, intense onset of agony. Was it my appendix? Did I have a cyst? Did I just need to take a poo? Nothing quite made sense. As I lay on the floor I thought of the possibilities and what I could do to alleviate my torture.

Matt was reading out loud the experiences of others with pain similar to mine. Most said that their pain subsided within hours. I could handle that, I thought. And if it gets worse or persists well then I would know to seek professional help. I managed to bring myself back to the bedroom and laid down to find comfort. As he lay next to me I asked him how long he would miss me if I died. A joke of course he did not think was all that funny. Within the hour the pain had substantially subsided and I made my way to work. On the drive I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. Do I have a high pain tolerance?

It reminded me of my first encounter with stinging nettle a couple of months ago. I was in the garden with Matt, digging potatoes for market. All of a sudden my leg just started burning! It was the strangest thing. Again I yelled at him and asked the pro, what in the garden could possibly do this to me. He looked around and said that it was most likely the stinging nettle I was standing on. ‘What the hell is stinging nettle?’ I screamed back at him. He answered but kept working which just infuriated me even more. I was in pain! Why wasn’t he doing anything? He assured me it would go away quickly. What does quickly mean? That is all I cared about. Would I need to endure this for the day, for the next hour? I didn’t know if I could handle that. Thankfully stinging nettle is a very short lived sting and within minutes I could not feel the pain. What a rush! I felt strong for having endured and realised that short lasting pain was very easy to tackle. But for those moments before, when I did not know the duration the pain would last, it felt unbearable.

I may not know if my tolerance for pain is high or low, but I do know that it is short. I can tolerate pain that I know will end. I can concentrate on the light at the end and the belief that the pain will go away and I will feel relief, I will feel joy and I will feel myself again. But what about when you don’t know how long the pain will last? That is a burden I would not wish on anyone but that many people experience.

I know someone in pain. They have been in pain for a long time. It is not a physical pain that they struggle with but an internal pain. You can’t see it, you can’t explain it, but you know that it is there. He is much stronger than I. He has dealt with his secret pain for so long and he endures it but as time goes on and the pain does not leave, I know that it is getting harder. Depression is no different than any other illness. You feel pain, and you look for a way to relieve that pain. You wonder if it will last, if it is a phase, or if it will ever go away. To this person, and anyone else struggling in pain, please know that your pain is real. I do not know the solution, I don’t know if it will ever go away, but I will walk with you every day and search down every avenue to find your relief, your joy, and yourself again. I believe we can find a cure, please have the strength to keep looking with me. I love you with all my heart, and I am so sorry you are in pain.