Where the cool air leads me

This weekend I went swimming in a lake so cold it hurt. Until, it didn't. I began to feel warm, or at least numb and I knew that if I continued swimming into the waves their deep coldness would pull me under. My body buzzed with electricity, the jolt of knowing that I was choosing to live in that moment by staying put. Creating small circles with my legs that come quite effortlessly for someone who has spent their life in the water. Those smooth circles lulled me as much as the numbing warmth that spread through my body. There is something so effortlessly alive about the cold. The heat drowns me with it's smothering blanket of calm. But, in the cold air I am alert, it rushes into my lungs and forces me to be present. Sitting on my back step with the night sky spread out before me like an open menu, the stars showing me the breadth of my choices. The cold air keeps me aware of each breathe just as conscious as the last. In this active participation, in this total activation I find relief and calm. I find strength in my need for decision making, and the awareness of my insignificance.
A cold night reminds you who you want to be, of your active participation in life and the significance of your choices. The cold air hurts my lungs as I breathe it numbs my senses in a way that terrifies me, but ultimately it renews my desire to survive. I have always found relief in pain, that nothing deserved comes without punishment. I enjoy taking my pain in full this evening, revelling in my decision to keep fighting.