Brutally Honest, am I bad person?
I find myself wanting to open up.
Something I have never been able to do, Something I hide from My friends and Family.
I suffer from depression, I find myself feeling completely sad for no apparent reason. I feel like I have no one I can talk to!
I try to change my moods in all the wrong ways, Gambling and drinking.
I work a massive 60h a week office job which is mentally draining but it does earn me a semi-decent wage where I have been able to get a mortgage and buy a house for my young family with 2 young children.
But my depression and wanting to break the cycle has made me make wrong life choices, first one being gambling. I bet on Horses, greyhounds and just about every sport I can. Now I have made big big wins but then greed sets in and I want more! and More losing the whole lot and as a gambler who hides it from friends a family I try to chase the losses! Everyone knows this is bad, But I cant seem to help myself! I have now turned a good life position into one where I may lose it all, My house, my car, my job and worst of all my wife.
Next is my drinking, I was never a massive consumer of alcohol but found it would drown out the depressive moods. I would now consider myself an alcoholic. 25 years old and an alcoholic Gambler, Never said it out loud but that's what I am. I drink most days and well in excess of normal amount.
This has lead to worse choice I have ever made which was 23rd of December 2017 , After a a big night mixing drinks I decided to drive myself and a friend home.
Lucky for me I only made it up the streets when in my rear vision mirror I saw the dreaded blue and red lights. The police had pulled me over .
As soon as the officer reached my window the stench of alcohol over took him, he knew I was driving under the influence.
He conducted a roadside breath test which showed I was 5x over the legal limit to operate a motor vehicle.
I was immediately arrested and taken back to the station.
I am now over 30k in bad debt to life choices I always considered myself "Smarter" to get myself into with no way of being able to pay them back.
This is the vicious depressive cycle I now find myself in and now realize I shouldn't do this alone and I need to reach out for help, I haven't reached out to anyone yet but find writing this blog therapeutic and hopefully I can muster up the courage to reach out. I know my reach out will not be rejected but the shame and realization of what I have done to myself and my family is something I don't feel ready to handle yet.
Thank you for taking the time to read
Life definitely gets hard at certain times and i can totally relate with you. I use to work 100 hours a week, no holidays no free time. I own a restaurant and several other smaller business. At time everything would be so overwhelming and depressing. Lots of losses made me want to give up everything and just walk away.
However I do not drink. I spoke with my girlfriend, she has been there for me always. I also talked to my family, they were really supportive and at least it gave me emotional support. I'd say you do the same. Talking to people and opening up doesn't solve the problem, but it does gives you some kind of morale support and that's a kick start right?
Very wise words I believe, but I am honestly so scared of losing my wife
Young man, please do not be so afraid to say how you feel. It will be very therapeutic for you and, you will heal. We all make mistakes, what matters is that you learn from them. I have a son your age, nice to meet you. My name is Gail
Gail, Thank you for the kind words. I will get there just the fear of losing my world is something I don't feel ready to do. But I know I need to do it and suffer any consequences that come.
I see what you are saying, when you are ready it will all fall into place. My daughter is an addict (not saying you are) and she hid it from me for a long time. It was hard for her to tell me but at the end of the day she knows I love her. You don't just throw someone you love away because they have a problem. Many blessing to you.
Thank you so much gail
Depression is REAL and unfortunately poorly-recognized especially among family. Often they think we can toughen up, and deal, and our failings are due to poor character and choices. You don't want condescension or pity, you want support and help. I would recommend professional diagnosis before breaking this to your family. A doctor's word will carry more than yours in a society that lumps us all into one equal mental category. Your family may not understand without this confirmation.
Sorry I should have stated this before I have already been diagnosed with clinical depression, I was described anti-depressants but for me they drained me of any and all emotion where I became disconnected, which is worse right?
Thank you for sharing. My sister is in the same situation - she's working to stabilize her live off of drugs since they maker her loopy and dissociative. I tell you my experience because I was one of those who did not understand what she was going through until she was diagnosed and I took her seriously. I have been through my fair share of mood issues, so chalked her issues up to weakness.