The text that follows was written 9 days ago. It was a critical moment for me, and I wrote what came to mind, and felt right, at the time. For that reason, to maintain some of the sense of unease that I had at the time, I won't alter anything I wrote, even if that intro has more cheese than all of France combined. This is also my very first time publishing anything written, so I'm happy that you're reading this. Hope you enjoy it, and let me know what reading this brings up in you, and if you have similar experiences. Looking forward to great conversations here.

25/8/2018

Today, I start a journey. I face my fears and I face my dreams. I embrace my virtues and my faults. I accept the past, for what it has been, and leave it be as over. I have made my mistakes, and there are yet more to come. But, today, I start living. Today, I abandon my addiction. Today, I have stopped playing video games.
I still remember when I was first introduced to video games. It was one of those Tetris hand consoles. God, that game was boring. I was terrible at it too. I didn't care much for it. Some time later, my parents gave me a Sega Saturn. That's when it all really started.

I spent countless hours playing Sonic the Hedgehog games. I loved the characters, how powerful they seemed to be and how I could beat evil, impersonated in the Robotnik guy - not every time, but, with enough conviction and failing enough, I'd overcome the challenge. This was a big contrast to what was going on in the real world.
I also played a lot of Sonic Racing. Some while ago, I found out people didn't really like the game, and I couldn't say why. I loved it. I still go back to listening to the game's music, every now and then. That woman singer is freaking fantastic. It makes for some great nostalgia trips.

I had no concept of addiction, at this time, of course, seeing as I was under 10. I didn't really think much of the future, other than growing up to be a strong man, and adult capable of driving a car or owning a house or having a wife and family. I didn't ever think that those would come with chores, as I suppose most everyone else. So video gaming for entire days was not only not a problem, but a very desirable thing. I don't exactly remember if I spent the entire days playing video games by this point, but I don't remember much else about those days, so I assume that's what I mostly did, along with watching cartoons on TV, and the occasional wild life documentaries.

Not too long after that, my parents offered me a Game Boy with a Pokemon game. I still remember it was given to me when my father came back from working abroad, and they gave it to me when were at some restaurant. I was extatic. It was the cool hip thing to be playing, as it was brand new. I played alongside people at school, in recess, I played in kindergarten, I played at home, I played in the car, returning home, I played anywhere I had the chance. It was the most fun thing to be doing, after all. It was the most engaging thing to be doing. It was much more entertaining and interesting than most people around me at the time.

Got a few different games, as time went by, some being other Pokemon games. These games recorded how long each story had been played for. I remember, in one of those games, I had a record of 250 hours played. I was proud of it. That's a long time playing it, showed dedication. Except I was under 10, at the time. I had spent 250 hours playing that video game, alone. That's not counting all the Pokemon games, all the Zelda games I had played, not the racing games, not the action games. That's just one specific game, for Game Boy. 250 hours.

I had multiple Sonic games, for Sega Saturn. Sonic Racing, Sonic 3D, some game that had a bunch of old Sonic platform games, I had a fighting game, I had a war helicopter piloting game, where I was killing russians all along the way. I eventually was offered a Playstation 2, and I won't even list how many games I got for that. Then came a computer, and you can imagine how much gaming came from that. My life was completely taken over by video gaming. At this point, there was nothing else. Aside from the few friends I would hang around with (which was a quite rare occurance, even rarer were those not involved with going to be playing video games together), there was very little to nothing. And why? Why did this happen? Why did I choose to let this happen or why did I not choose to do something else?
The answer is not simple, certainly not for someone in this situation, at the time. It may not even be pleasant for some of you who are reading this. The answer is bullying. Violence. Rage. Hatred. I was a victim of bullying since a very young age. I was bullied by my parents, I was bullied by my grandparents. That involved spanking, yelling and uttering words that should never at all be uttered to your child - you're worth nothing. You're a clown. You make my life a living hell. You're nothing but a piece of work. I remember these words being spoken to me since I was very little. I remember the spanking since I first have memories.

But, as I'm sure you've guessed, the bullying wouldn't stop at home. I was put into kindergarten from an early age, 3, even though my grandparents lived next street from me and they were free for the entire day. Up until age 3 I spent my days with them, from then on, it was child dumpster for me. I hated it. All of it. There were terrible, aggressive kids there, there were bully "educators", as they would call the women in charge there, and none of the friends I made there made it good enough, all the hell I had to endure through that time.

Then came public school. Nothing really changed, not in terms of quality of people or "educators". The kids were the same, we just had less time for fun, now. When elementary school was done, it became worse. There were then kids that came from worse parts of town, and they were physically aggressive. I got into a lot of fights, from 5th to 9th grade. I never started them. I was the kid who didn't speak much, that's what I had been taught to do, all my life. Don't talk. Don't initiate conversation, don't talk back, just stay quiet. Keep to yourself, or they'll yell at you, maybe they'll hit you. Talking does nothing but get you in trouble. Guess what? It didn't make a fucking difference. I remember starting to play World of Warcraft somewhere around 8th grade. I loved the game. Completely immersive, able to lose myself for entire summer vacations playing it. There was no bullying there. Just me fighting bad guys over and over and always, eventually, beating them. I could beat the bad guys here. It wasn't always easy, but I had always had a chance, and could always practice, in a sense, to beat them. In the real world? Nah. How can you achieve anything at all if you're not even allowed to talk? You can't. So I didn't try.

I stopped going to school at the end of grade 10. I didn't finish it. I didn't see a point. It was boring, I felt like I was learning nothing that would be of use to me, and people my age cared about nothing other than sex, drugs and partying. None of that was for me. I didn't stop playing video games, though.
By this time, I would have played thousands upon thousands of hours of video games. But it wouldn't stop there. I eventually got a job, at 19. Somewhere around that time, I tried to stop playing video games, for the first time. I knew I was addicted. And, by then, I had a very clear goal as to where I wanted to be in life. I wanted to become a musician. I had been having classes for it, and it was going great. I didn't practice much at home, but it was obvious that I had a knack for it. I had the talent to go far with it. But I knew that I couldn't both become a great musician and play video games, as I had little to no control over how much I played video games. I didn't know why, but I knew that was the case. So I stopped, for a while. The first day was absolutely terrible. I was incredibly anxious, because of it. I was shaking, cold sweating. I could think of nothing else but play video games. I needed it. I did not play for a few days, but it didn't last long. I eventually got back into it and even bought myself a PS3, a widescreen TV and a stand with my own earned money.

Fast forward 1500 hours in League of Legends, 1000 hours in Europa Universalis, God knows how long in World of Warcraft and tens upon tens of other games, and I'm now 26. I'm a very inteligent man passionate for music, philosophy, history of the world, history of religion, culture, health and exercise. What have I done with my life? I've read a couple handfuls of books. I've listened to hundreds or thousands of hours of podcasts and audiobooks (this is the only thing decent from all this time gaming, I spent a good part of it listening to productive information). And... Nothing else. I have 20 cents in my bank account, my mother pays for the rent of the house I live in with my brother and all the living costs and food. I worked a few jobs, but I didn't get much in terms skills out of it. The last job as a salesman was the best, when it came to that, but it didn't last.

I did get a lot of selfknowledge, out of listening to so much good information, and I did meet some very interesting people, very recently, in fact. Evangelical protestants, nonetheless. I couldn't tell you how much I value them, without writing another whole text, as long as this one. Still, even having all the time in the world, I don't go to meet them.
Video gaming was an escape, for me. It was an escape from a cruel world of violence. It was my way of protecting myself from all the evil, the madness, the irrationality and lack of affection. It served me well. I came out of my teenage without committing any crime, I've never hurt anyone or myself. My mind is sane, even healthy. I am not depressed anymore, as I was all throughout that time. Video gaming served me well. But now, the roles have reversed. Video gaming is no longer serving me. I am serving video gaming. The constant dopamine drip into my brain of instant gratification, easy, same day accomplishable challenges, rewards everywhere the eye can see - it manipulates me. Video games are built specifically to manipulate the brain of its players, to keep coming back for more. The best video games are the most addictive. This dopamine addiction has some very nasty effects on the brain. It leads to lack of self control, social anxiety, depression and everything not a video game becomes boring. I even remember seeing the world differently. Literally. The colors were brighter, when I was younger. Everything had more depth. Now, the same places I saw as a child, are dull. Trees are no longer great masts of life and bearers of fruit, they're just trees. The ocean is no longer the world's funnest bath tub and bringer of the most delicious fatty fish, it's just water. Sunny days are no longer a great time to go out and bike with your friends, they're just hot.

I'm done being a slave. I'm done serving video games. I want to live. I want to be the great musician I can make myself to be. I want to be a great scholar of religion, of philosophy, of history. I want to write books, write music. I want to become a martial artist, a very good one at that. I want to learn swordsmanship. I want to become a living sculpture, a person to be admired for this physique and health. I want to live for over a hundred years. I want to help the world, to make it a better place for others to live in. I want to create and maintain a community of people who have similar values to mine. I want to find a woman to spend my life with, to be the mother of my children, to raise those children alongside me, to see them grow to become better people than we have been, and to die happy, knowing that we had a life worth living, and a life that will be remembered for generations to come. Maybe, just maybe, a life worth remembering for thousands of years. For all of that to happen, though, I must abandon video gaming. I must break the chains of addiction with my bare hands. I must gather enough strength to shatter them into a million pieces, never to be able to grab hold of me again. It's not an easy task, and I have failed at it a handful of times, throughout life. But I am stronger now. I have reason and evidence by my side, I have selfknowledge. I have an unquenchable thirst for life, for success, for virtue that must be satiated. I even have some good people who care about me by my side, helping me in whatever way they can. Hopefuly, I have even you, by my side.