When life keeps knocking you down

I went home late that night and when I arrived home, everybody is asleep. Or so I thought. My mom knocked and asked me if I was alright. All I said was, "29 pages Ma, 5 hours, abi nako makuyapan ko mag take. Naka answer man ko pero murag mahagbong gyud ko Ma. So please ayaw nalang mo pag expect." Which translates to, "The exam was 29 pages for 5 hours. I thought I would pass out. I answered some but I know I could fail, so Ma, please do not expect for me to pass." The words hurt me, and I really wanted to cry but I do not want my mom to see me cry. But I thought it is better for them to know the reality than to cover it up with a lie. My mom comforted me and told me it was okay, asked me to take care of myself instead and focus on regaining my health. Even massaged my back. I cannot sleep that night, I was emotionally, physically and mentally drained but still, I cannot sleep. So I took my pill, as a last resort and dozed off to sleep.

The next morning, I feel like not getting up. But I did anyway, I have important things to do so I forced myself up, eat up and talked to my father. I told my father the same thing I told my mom and he was very understanding as he said it was okay because I did my very best. Going out with my mom to get my passport and a few other things, I feel like I am not myself. I was walking but my mind was off somewhere else. Later that night, I spent the whole evening watching films. The only way that could take my mind off the subject.

The next day, I lost a person who has been one of my strengths. Suddenly this person, stopped talking to me and asking about how am I feeling. I was confused and frustrated. If my foot was feet underground, the idea of him/her going buried me alive as we have been really good friends. I was not able to eat, sleep, or do anything. I told myself I need to go out of the house because if I don't, I might do something I know I will regret in the future. So I went out with my co examinee which will be travelling back to his place this week outside and talked about how depressing the exams are. I know it was quite funny but it helped me find some company that could relate to what am I going through. People come and go, yes that's the hard truth about life, but what's worse is when they go when you need them the most.

This morning, I woke up tired and feeling unmotivated. I don't want to eat, or do anything. I just want to lie in bed all day, all week. I already told my mom to give me a week of rest then I'll eventually start looking for a job. Then my mom said she bought a huge tub of ice cream of my favorite flavor. It almost made me cry. I know that she noticed I have been down ever since the day of the exam and I don't have motivation and energy to lift my spirits up, so I changed my point of view about life and got rid of negativities. People have been lifting me up but I myself am not able to lift myself up.

I am not writing this for pity neither am I writing this out of pure boredom. But I am writing this because I want to say enough. Enough for the sulking. Enough for the pity parties. Enough for the toxic relationships. Enough for the tears rolling out of my eyes. Enough for the negativity. It is time to let things go. I am so tired of waking up and feeling sorry for myself. Now, I want to focus on my goals and set my path straight. I have accepted how things sometimes go out of hand but that does not mean the world will stop for me. So here I am, putting my best foot forward. Telling life to knock me down, but know I will always, always rise up.

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About @reewritesthings:

Ree is a twenty-two-year-old Cebuana who lives in the Pearl of the Orient Seas. She spends most of her free time having her head buried in a book, watching movies, learning modern calligraphy and writing poems. Also, a lover of science and engineering.

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