Guilt and Self-destructive Behaviors - How to Deal With Guilt and Self-Destructive Behaviors

Guilt and self-destructive behaviors are a very real part of life. Unfortunately, much of the information available on the subject treats the phenomenon of self-destructiveness with less importance than it deserves. It is my hope that through this article, you will be able to recognize and understand the destructive nature of guilt.

Guilt is one of those things that we unconsciously adopt as part of our social emotional make-up. For instance, many people may tell themselves that they are guilty of having too much pride and not doing enough work. Or they may tell themselves that they don't have the ability or time to be self-sufficient. Guilt thus becomes a part of our social identity.
The concept of guilt is also intimately connected to other concepts. For instance, guilt is connected to the concept of trust. In fact, trust is closely related to guilt. If you trust your own abilities and ideas, you may experience guilt for failing to live up to those standards.

Another related concept is responsibility. If you feel that you are responsible for being in the same position that you find yourself in, you may engage in behaviors that will try to make you "fix" the situation. This is, of course, yet another form of guilt.

Guilt, self-destructive behaviors and unhealthy relationship patterns are all interrelated. That is, it is possible to develop multiple self-destructive behaviors and still be completely aware of them. All this does is confirm to ourselves what we already know to be true. That is, that we have a responsibility to ourselves and to others to be reasonable, fair and consistent in our conduct. What we often forget, however, is that these behaviors are our ways of enacting control.

Control is essential for a healthy life. Yet control is also what can get us in trouble when it is misused. When we are trying to exert control, we can do so in an abusive way. We can use manipulative methods, physical violence or we can undermine our partner's confidence by undermining their ability to make decisions about important matters in their life.

Those who are experiencing guilt and self-destructive behaviors are seeking to regain control over their lives. They are doing so by taking actions that are in their best interest and yet which are inconsistent with the reality of their lives. Such actions do not enhance their sense of control and competency but they do allow the ego to take precedence and give them an illusion of power.

Those who are engaged in self-destructive behaviors should not expect to change. The only way they will be able to gain meaningful control over their lives is if they take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and actions. They have to become honest with themselves about their behavior. They must recognize their own shortcomings and work on how to better control their impulses and emotions. Only then can they become truly self-aware and self-regenerates.

When a person is engaged in self-destructive behaviors, they have to put themselves out of harm's way. They have to deliberately put themselves in dangerous situations to force the change they want. Such action may not bring about the changes they seek, but it certainly challenges their sense of control and may put them into positions where they can either lose control or end up being forced to take responsibility for their actions. This act of deliberately putting oneself into a precarious position has the effect of making the other person feel helpless. Such helplessness, coupled with the person's inability to control their self-destructive behaviors, can lead them to engage in dangerous acts even when they have no real sense of urgency.

The answer to the question of how to deal with guilt and self-destructive behaviors lies in recognizing that such behaviors are symptomatic of underlying conditions in which there is a breakdown of personal structures. That is, in order to eliminate self-destructive behaviors, we have to first get to the root of the self-destructive behaviors themselves. It may be some defect in one of our relationships or in our sense of control. Perhaps there is an unresolved stress or conflict in our lives. Or, it may be an addiction or other life crisis. Whatever it is, it must be resolved in order for us to fully live our lives free from self-destructive behaviors and in control of our lives.

For many, the first step toward dealing with guilt and self-destructive behaviors is to go through the processes of healing from a relationship, professional or family crisis in which such guilt was a primary motivation for engaging in the self-destructive behaviors. In this case, the client will be encouraged to reflect on how they might have been less prepared for the problems in their relationships, etc. In this process, the client may even discover a part of themselves that was deficient and was why they were unable to successfully manage the conflicts in their lives. This part of the self may be uncovered and given practical direction. The client may even develop an appreciation for how they became self-defeating and where their self-destructiveness came from in the first place.

If the client has not already done so, they should attend counseling in which the process of uncovering the self and becoming healthy and confident again is encouraged. Through cognitive behavior therapy, clients may learn how to change the way they think and act when it comes to matters relating to feelings of guilt. These thoughts and actions can then become the tools needed to become a source of healthy and effective expression in all situations. In addition to learning new thought patterns, clients also develop new habits through this type of therapy. It is important for individuals suffering from guilt to remember that they are not alone in their struggle to become free from self-destructive behaviors and feelings.