Abuse, honesty, realization

I am having amazing realizations at this moment in my mind in this body, thanks to a book I am reading of Bernard Poolman. The point, the idea, that triggered it, thanks to the words of Bernard is: When you die, you face absolutely everything you consist of, and you go back to your honest equal and one state of being, this means that self-forgiveness for the entire life is the way of life. This means that I will literally die, because everything of me, will face the abuse. And it just looks so clear to me. When we die, what dies is the abuse. I don’t fully understand this, I can not create the exact words to express it, but it really feels like real and certain, everything that dies consists on abuse. What I feel at this pont is, WHY DO I CONSIST ON ABUSE? Is this… maybe the abuse?

All life exists equally, all life is one. What I feel is… everything exists! Without me! I am here to abuse! I am the same with or without me, so why was I brought here? What is my purpose? My purpose is to abuse more. If I think about it, if I say how exactly I created every single part of my mind, from where was it created? From irresponsability. I really doubt I can find a point in my mind that was created with the purpose of keeping things equal, it’s just not the way it works. I am here to abuse, am I not? Why would I deny? Why would I deffend the abuse? Because I am used to deffend that which is not life, because I accepted it so everyone else did. This plane of this existence, is everything of it made of this? It is, because, for what other reason would it exist? Only if your starting point is of abuse you can deffend it. Do you know why this is hard to accept? Do you really know? This life is less than life, I mean this human world, because that is what live becomes when you are borned in here. And when you come here if you become the world, you accept the abuse. So it is like a challence isn’t it? Because if you are you you will not accept it in this life. But who accepts it? Is that us aswell? It is, it must be a part of us. Because now is the only moment to stand for myself and be honest, what am I at this moment?

Maybe life on earth is a proof? For you to see who would you be if you could be tested? Because in the dymentions as frecuencies you can’t really be tested, or I don’t know, maybe you can, but this life is certainly a big way to test you. Who would you be with mind systems? And energies? And a complete design? Would you be yourself then? If you can forget yourself, are you yourself? The point is that, now, this moment, is a moment of accumulated consecuence of the past, and all of it originated from the point where we were in this life and we did the choice of, I am going to believe myself, I am going to abuse. In a certain way, this live feels like a test. And it’s a very tricky curious test. Because you are going to get identified with something, that is going to abuse and later is going to die. And you are going to do it all yourself. If you are the one making the choice of becoming that, who are you? Can you remember now? Are you going to remember now? We could not forget ourselves even if we wanted to, that’s how tricky it is.

This in some way feels hard to explain, like if I was just tired and this is something uncool and hard to talk about. I have honest consistent points that reaffirm myself, for example, I remember exactly the points where as I child I abused myself and accept it and continued it since then. I just, never thought, that I could be tested in a so honest way. Never thought I would have to answer for myself. What I want to say is, I know the points that built my life in this mind, they were based on so much abuse in so many different forms. Why didn’t I have the ability to not abuse myself? I don’t know! But now, I am going to develop it! The ability to “enjoy” life, without abusing it, is that possible? Yes it is! I just think that I won’t need to answer in a honest way if I simply abuse it. But I will! And I remember these points as a child! And I don’t even know how to really explain all of this! I felt the abuse I was becoming!! And I remember it, and this is my gift in this life, or simply myself, whatever you want to name it as, I know and I remember exactly what I did because I could not simply pretend that I was not doing it, because nobody can pretend! Pretend is something that doesn’t even exist, do you think you can simply stop being who you are? You can’t! You can only abuse it!! Omg, this last sentence literally, has made a sooooo long journey to arrive to this blog at this moment. I am the continued abuse of dishonesty, and what I do is take energy experiences and believe that that is my honesty, and that is nothing but a way of feeling good and justifing my “honesty” like that. What is my honesty? Can I really explain it? Who is talking now? And now just, there is silence, because I simply, anything I say is going to come from the same, I just want this honesty, this very message, to become myself, and I want to let it there, until I can stand for it infinitelly. I have questions, a lot, about all of this. Do you know from where do this questions come from? From the same points of abuse. There is really not a logical answer for this, in fact what the hell is logic, what a word. The answer for me is to become these words, and nothing else, for now.

Why do we think that abuse can not take place in our minds? When it is the only place where that happens?? Do you want to know why? To allow it!! What a game. And then, you keep your mind to yourself, it’s your secret, and you neeeever talk about it, you live completely in an alternate reality that simply transforms the abuse into something that looks normal for this shitty fake world, it goes for so many filters for you to voice something, because inner reality is only for yourseeeelf to abuseeee, but you will never accept it because, for what? To be self-honest?? For what??? And also, the world is there to protect you, the world supports evil!! The world wants you and allow you to be evil! And protects you! How can we accept it??????? How can our life be this? How can we allow it? Who the fuck even are we? Until every human on earth is FULL-OF-SHIT nobody is going to really realize himself. If you want that to happen O-K-A-Y I don’t care but I am not for one single moment taking part of it, ANYMORE!!!!! Not a single breath I am going to waste!!!