How to listen so your partner feels heard, seen & understood (Part 3 of 3)
Today is the last part out of this mini-series, with the last two tips and false friends of real listening.
Without further ado, here they are.
Tip#3: Use rephrasing to make sure you understood correctly.
FF#3: Make assumptions about what s/he is feeling and not checking in their accuracy (most of the times, because we project, we are wrong.)
During this step, another way to make the other feel listened and accepted is to rephrase and try to guess his or her feelings.
For example, what my friend could have done (before jumping in directly to the 4th step) would have been to mirror my feelings or just rephrase what I was saying by really observing me and my non-verbal language as well.
“So you feel scared and vulnerable now, because this dream has brought up this painful memory from your childhood” or something like that.
That would have given me the opportunity to continue and explore my story, even if it was a painful one for me. And even if he would have been wrong about my feelings I could have told him: “no, I am actually angry about this”, and then continue with my story.
Tip#4: When You think s/he has finished talking and feel like offering advice or support of any kind make sure that
– s/he has actually finished
– that’s what s/he wants/needs from You
How do You do that? Simply ask:
– is there anything else You would like to say now?
-how do You think I can support You? Would You like to hear my opinion/advice/ideas on how to solve this?
FF#4: Start offering – the instant the other has paused for a few seconds – Your ideas/advice/solutions.
We want to help someone in need, it’s our human nature. But often our helping comes from the Ego’s need to feel better: when we help, we fell more powerful, we feel smarter, stronger, wiser than the one we help.
At the same time, if we hurry with offering our advice and solutions before making sure that’s what the other wants and needs – we will rob him or her of the opportunity to solve the situation on their own. And also of the chance of feeling the good emotions – like increased self esteem and self confidence – that would come along with discovering that solution.
Instead of helping, in this case, Your advice is rather harmful.
Often what a person in a vulnerable space needs is simply Your compassionate presence and listening. No advice, no reassuring words, no solutions.
S/he might need just to be held in a warm hug without any words.
And when s/he has finished this process of self inquiry s/he might want also Your opinion. Or not.
Either way, the important thing here is to show him/her that You are truly listening and accepting him/her by not imposing Your ideas and solutions.
This is one of the most difficult ideas to grasp on active listening:
“Why should I shut up when it’s so clear for me that if s/he will do what I say, things will be so much better? Why should I leave the other person in suffering when I could help them get over it quicker?” And so on and so forth.
The answer is very simple: what is clear for You from the outside, might not Yet be clear for them. And they might need exactly this painful process to reach to that solution or even a better one, on their own.
Of course this doesn’t apply in physical & life threatening situations! You will not ask a person in flames or caught under a car, if she wants Your help to get out of there. You will just do whatever it takes to save her life. You get my point.
Wrapping-Up: How To Really Listen
#1 Silence the Voices in Your Head and Pay attention to Your partner
#2 Listen all the way, until the person has finished talking. Make sure of that by Asking them.
#3 Use passive listening words & body language to encourage them talk : Aha, Uhum, And then…? + tilt your head, maintain eye contact & an open posture.
#4 Use active listening like rephrasing their words and mirroring their feelings.
#5 Do not offer Your advice/solutions/opinions before asking permission to do so. I repeat: Do not offer them otherwise no matter how badly You want to! 🙂
If you missed the first 2 parts of this mini-series here they are: Part 1 and Part 2
I would love to hear your thoughts on active listening, what are your tips and tricks to make this authentic communication thing work?
I will end this series with a note to self: today practice listening twice as much as talking!
Photo source Unsplah
I'm a citizen of Planet Earth, a spiritual being having a human experience, trying to make sense of this thing called life. My educational background is in communication and psychology, and I'm currently working as a copywriter. You can find me mainly on my blog at BeingRaluca where I write about communication, relationships, listening, sexuality and many more. Here on Steemit you may stay updated by following me @raluca.
