My Crazy, Chaotic, Torturous Last 40 Hours

NOTE (3/19/2018): A lot has happened since this story was originally posted. Scroll toward the end of this story for a quick update.

I had originally planned to put up a post about my current - and past - music training regimen. Unfortunately, that will have to wait until next week. Tragedy struck late Thursday night and my mind is simply not in the right place for that right now.

These last 40 hours or so have perhaps been the craziest, most chaotic of 2018 so far. I don't think I've felt this stressed out for a quite a while now. I stayed up all night Thursday night, trying to process everything that happened last night. I felt like I had just been involved in an accident. Even more so, I felt like I just witnessed a long-time friend be blown-up right in front of my face (even though I've never gotten the chance to meet the person in question). Its been absolute torture. The last I felt like this was back in 2011 when my adopted father died.

I'm very happy to report that I've recovered significantly from the shellshock I had to endure Thursday night, but I still have some way to go. I slept through it, wrote in my diary when I woke up, and then let it marinate for the rest of the day. Thursday night was rough, but its gotten better since then. Friday was a day full of self-reflection and soul-searching. This morning, I had the chance to go out and get some fresh air, which made me really happy (because I love being outdoors)…only to feel a little bit of sadness once it was over.

Let me just explain briefly what happened on Thursday night: I found out that one of my idols, Dubstep/Bass Music producer & DJ, Datsik, had been accused by a handful of women of sexual misconduct. This sent my psyche into PTSD mode. Immediately, I felt a whirlwind of shock, denial, confusion, numbness, sadness, anger, and betrayal, as well as flood of mixed thoughts. My thoughts and feelings were all over the place that I didn't really know how to handle them, other than to go on Twitter and vent for a bit (which I did).

This event has been very traumatizing for me, to say the least. Never in a million years did I ever think that one of my idols would be accused of doing something so heinous, that would end up ending his career prematurely and scarring his reputation - most likely for life (regardless of whether or not the accusations made are true). Datsik was one of my biggest idols. He's one of the reasons why I got into Dubstep, Bass Music, and EDM as a whole. This is why I'm so upset over this development. He meant a lot to me. I really looked up to him. To watch him just implode seemingly out of nowhere, really, really hurts. What hurts even more is being confronted with the fact that perhaps he's not the person I originally thought he was. This makes me feel like a victim of fraud.

It felt like a part of me died Thursday night. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of a friend and mentor (even though I've never got the chance to meet the guy). Datsik didn't only inspire me, he inspired a ton of other artists. He helped create a movement & was instrumental to shaping Dubstep - and Bass Music, as a whole - to how it is today. He even helped emerging Bass Music artists build up their careers (through his Firepower Records imprint, which he founded and has stepped down from). His career may be over (at least that's what it looks like) and his reputation may be in the gutter, but if there's one thing that's undeniable (regardless of how you feel about him as a person), is that he was one of the pioneers of Dubstep/Bass Music and his contributions have had a profound impact and will continue to do so for a long time. However, I don't think things will ever be the same again.

It really hurts to say this, it really does. But the reality is that once you get accused of sexual misconduct/abuse, you'll never be able to really come back from it - even if the accusations turn out to be false. The damage has been done once that happens. Since the we live in a world where outrage is more valued than rational thought, once you get accused of sexual misconduct, your reputation is ruined for life - again, this is true even if the accusations are false. If the accusations turn out to be false then I feel really bad for Datsik, since his career and reputation would've been ruined for absolutely nothing, and this would've been nothing more than yet another stupid witch-hunt. But if not, then shame on him…sexual abuse is wrong, period - there's no excuse for it, ever. But for now, Datsik is innocent until proven guilty. Until guilt is proven beyond a reasonable doubt, I'm indifferent (that is, I'm taking no sides) and that's that.

In some ways, I felt like this was political correctness run amok when I first heard of the news (and still do to some extent - in regards to the "innocent until proven guilty" and mob mentality stuff). People are so quick to jump on the outrage bandwagon that they shun logic and reason as a whole these days (you can largely blame the media for this, but that's a topic for another day). This has made me extra jumpy whenever I'm confronted with an issue like this these days. Its like people have forgotten that there's a thing called "due process" and that everyone is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. That was another reason I reacted the way I did Thursday night. It made me feel really alienated from the rest of the community, since political correctness has seem to hit the music industry hard, and I never thought it would hit so close to home. It even made me feel like taking a break from the music industry as a whole because I felt like, "if this is the type of culture that this industry is going to foster then I don't to want any part in it whatsoever…I'll come back once this phase has passed and everyone has come to their senses". I felt like that was my last straw. It made me want to consider focusing more on political activism and journalistic reform - and the trades. I don't want to see innocent people's careers end, or see their reputations take a massive blow, because of some easily-offended special snowflakes.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I still really want to do music. Music means a lot to me. Its played such a profound role in my life. Growing up, I wanted to be a successful, impactful artist. I finally was able to pursue that in 2010. I haven't stopped since and neither do I want to. Walking away from it would mean abandoning everything I've worked for during these past 8 years. I couldn't deal with the thought of that. Ultimately, I came up with a solution that I felt would work perfectly for me, while I try to process everything that just happened. That solution is a simple change of artistic direction.

This whole fiasco has also served as a bit of an artistic rude awakening. Its made me realize that I'm not doing what I've been wanting to do for a long, long time now: which is creating more hip-hop/trap-style tracks, lo-fi hip-hop, electronica, film scores, and overall, more experimental stuff. So after thinking this through long and hard, I decided to dedicate more of my time & energy to do just that…

Which brings me to my next thing…

I've come to the conclusion that its probably best if I take a break from making Dubstep, just until I completely recover from this fiasco. My head's just not in the right place to make Dubstep right now. Datsik was a major reason why I was so motivated to make Dubstep. But now that he's basically gone, the motivation I had prior to this incident is practically gone (just go back to what I said earlier about a part of me dying Thursday night). I need to go back to the drawing board and re-discover the motivation I once had to make Dubstep and re-kindle that fire. I'll start making Dubstep again once I feel ready, although I'll still be listening to Dubstep, making Dubstep sounds, and I'll be making some Dubstep from time-to-time whenever I feel like it (it'll probably be mostly Riddim). But for now, I'm going to focus on making more minimalistic, electronic-infused hip-hop & trap (both hard-hitting and chill stuff - and yes, it will include Dubstep influences, and even Neuro, Metal, Cinematic, and Industrial influences!). I originally started my production career with making hip-hop. I have been meaning to return to my hip-hop roots for a while now and it looks like I've finally found the perfect time to do it.

If you want to get an idea of the artistic direction I want to take next, then feel free to check out Getter. Getter is an artist that I really like. He's been a huge inspiration for me. He also happens to be one of the first Bass Music artists I discovered (back in 2013). I've been a huge fan of him ever since. He's has had such a huge influence on me. He happens to be doing the type of stuff that I've always wanted to do, so with that in mind, I'm going to be following him much closer now (in fact, starting this weekend, I'm going to be listening to his latest stuff in order to get ready for next week).

In addition, I'm considering starting a side-project that will focus on lo-fi hip-hop - and overall, more chill & soul stuff. I'm still thinking about it, but all I know is that its something that's been on the back of my mind for a long time now. Lo-fi is something that I really been into as of late. Now may be the right time to take on this side-project. If I decide to do it, I will, of course, make the announcement here (I plan on calling it "PROJEKT60").

Now, I'm off to have a relaxing weekend. Its been such a crazy week (obviously because of the Datsik fiasco, but also because I had jury duty earlier this week) and I need to unwind.

Catch you all again next week!

UPDATE [3/19/2018]: I really hate to admit it, but after thoroughly looking at all the evidence presented to me, it would appear that Datsik is indeed guilty of sexual misconduct. There's a lot of consistency with these accounts and the evidence that is out there is pointing towards guilt beyond a reasonable doubt (consistency is the key when it comes to determining whether or not someone is indeed guilty of sexual misconduct). What's even worse is that this is more than just misconduct. This is downright abuse. I really can't believe he would do such a thing. SHAME!!! SAD!!!

I wasn't able to thoroughly look at all the evidence that is currently available and all the claims made until just yesterday. Before Sunday, I was simply too traumatized by this development to take a closer look at all the claims being made. By Sunday evening, my head was finally clear enough to go more in-depth into the allegations that were being made.

I will be penning an open letter to Datsik next. It will be out here on Steemit very soon.