Some days I have no idea what I'm doing

Do you ever have those days when nothing feels right? No mastery, no motivation and even worse than that, you question your ability to do the things you're supposed to be good at? I'm having one of those days....

I guess it's better when I can start the day as planned. I had hoped to go for a long ride on my bicycle, but it's bucketing down rain in Brisbane today. I know when I start the day with some good exercise it sets me up for a much better day.

Then I thought I would take the kids out for an open day at one of Australia's premier research laboratories. I thought they would be excited about the idea! But they'd rather sit in the dark watching netflix all day.... So I start to question whether my parenting abilities are up to scratch. I don't want the kids to be sitting inside all day watching netflix and you tube, but making them do something requires so much effort on my part! I enjoy taking them to the beach, or for a ride (sometimes), or to play tennis (sometimes), or to the museum, or art gallery.... But even the fun things require so much effort to make them happen... The fact that I don't want to put the effort in some days - does that make me a bad parent? I think I have mostly happy, mostly well adjusted children. There's certainly no such thing as perfection when it comes to parenting. You do the best you can in each given situation, and I think on the whole I do a good job.... But every now and then there's that insecurity - the questions come up around whether you're doing what's best for the family...

Work can be just the same. Some days there's a sense of mastery, when I know exactly what I'm doing, exactly where we're headed, how we're headed there, what needs to be done next.... then other days it's like looking for that needle in the haystack in a cave in the dark, with bats circling above your head and snakes covering the floor below! Again if I look at things on the whole I'm probably doing a reasonable job. Then there's perfectionist Pete who pops his head up & says "hey, you stuffed this up, or, you could have done this better, or when are you going to get around to that?"

I'm better with my perfectionist tendencies these days. It's taken half a lifetime of learning, but I can push it aside and acknowledge that what I have done is "good enough". Good enough has been a term that I have become fond of. I know that I've done something as good as I could in the moment, given the knowledge and resources at that point in time. It's a way of letting the past be in the past, it's a way of giving myself a break.

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I've read that anxiety is living in the future and depression is living in the past. I have suffered with both. Perhaps not quite simultaneously. My experience was that excessive generalised anxiety over many years led to depression. It was a wearing down of my nervous system until I had nothing left. I was at my worst about 8 years ago now, and started the process of rebuilding at that point in time. I'm a long way from my worst now, which is great! But I'm not sure that you're ever really "free" from anxiety. It takes active management, at least for me. I know that regular exercise helps keep the adrenaline levels down (yet I go through periods where I don't exercise). I know that meditation helps to create space between my thoughts and emotions (yet it's been over a year since I've practiced regular meditation). I know healthy food helps manage my emotions (yet I've been eating poorly).

Here's a question - why don't I do the things that I know work for me? Is it self-sabotage, laziness or avoidance? I mean, having to do "all the things" feels like a chore at times, that's for sure. It's nice when there's some kind of flow to my life and I don't have to try so hard.

There's also usually an acknowledgement of my current situation - like this post - before I take action as well. One of the great things about getting older, and being reasonable self aware, is that I can see the behavioural patterns I exhibit, playing out over & over again. It doesn't necessarily mean I have the strength, or will, or whatever to change the patterns, but I can see them and I can tell where I'm at and what needs to change. Maybe that is the strength to be able to change.

Anyway, as always the writing process has been cathartic. I feel that I've waffled enough for one morning.

Adios amigos :-)