My Journey -Effects of being Molested as a Young Child

At the age of around 5 years old, I was molested by a man in the neighborhood with 2 of my friends. We were invited into his apartment and he taught us a game. This game was a game of sexual molestation, where we were taught to touch, stroke, and do other physical things to this man and with each other.

The reason I want to speak about this now is because its a major issue in this world, and I still wonder what it did to me and I hope my story somehow helps others.

After this experience at the young age of 5 my friends and I began exposing ourselves to playboy magazines, smoking, and mischief behavior, and playing the "game" with each other....How do I know what long term emotional effects these molestations had on my maturation process, and yet of course I don't want to blame it for my mistakes because its not to be fully blamed.

What's really interesting is I think I enjoyed these games, the sensations, and the mystery to it all...I mean at that age what should I have felt, and was I messed up for enjoying these games? Did I really enjoy them or what?

What continued to happen was I began teaching this game to new friends where ever I moved all up to about 4th grade to my recollection....This game included rubbing our naked body parts against one another, and it was always with my boy friends because that's how I was taught, and you didnt really hang out with girls yet.

All of this took place with children my age from about 5 until 10 years old...
Did these games that I taught my friends, that I was taught by sick adult males cause them harm? Was I the cause of years of mental torment?

I didn't even recall all of these events until in my early 20's while on mushrooms, but I know it for sure happened its still all etched in my memory now.

What long term effects were created inside my mind/soul what about the other innocent children that I influenced?? I mean I very vividly remember in 4th grade with 3 male friends where we played this game at sleep overs multiple times.
I had become the teacher from my abuser, but I was just a child ad well.

Now thank God it all stopped and I realized I liked girls and somehow those games just stopped, and what's crazy is I don't ever remember any of us who grew up together through high school ever mentioning it, except 1 time when at a high school party while high on shrooms I attempted to apologize to one individual as the memories came rushing back and when I mentioned it nonchalantly without saying it, I saw panic and fear in his eyes, and he just ignored me, but I knew he knew...
Again, why write this? In some ways I don't know why. One very interesting fact was that I struggled with the question of being gay because of it for years, and that creates the question of how deep and dark are the roots of innocence being stolen...I am not in anyway saying that being gay is or isn't something your born with, I'm simply sharing my own journey.
My questions of being gay were like a deep rooted fear because of my subconscious of all those events, and I literally obsessed over these thoughts for a few years in my late 20's even though I NEVER once have been physically attracted to a man, or ever desired to be with a man....There is no doubt of my sexual preference, but why did that thought or fear of being gay agonize me for so long? I literally had a voice in my head trying to convince me, and it created such anxiety and emotional discomfort within... I believe that deep down I blamed myself for all of the sexual perversion, and I questioned who I was because of it....I mean it really tormented me, and I still to this day question how damaging is sexual perversion to innocent children...

This is my first time ever writing about all this and it probably is weird, but I woke up today and felt like I needed to share it, maybe its healing something inside of me, I don't really know, or maybe someone needed to hear this,,or maybe someone has some knowledge for me....

Childhood molestation leads to a lifetime of issues, and yet I the victim have no clue of the true effects, and still blame myself for feeling like I may have enjoyed the games and then teaching the games to others.....

This is just me sharing my most secret thing in hopes that maybe we can learn more about the long term effects of childhood molestation....I think there are still roots, but I'm not certain.....Am I alone, can anyone else relate or share insight???

Was the breaking of innocence so young a cause for so many issues in my life, was it that gateway to my destructive choices, sex by 8th grade, mischief behavior, depression, drug abuse, relationship issues my whole life, ETC??

I don't want to blame anything I want to grow, heal, learn, become aware, and be the best me!

Much Love and Blessings

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