THE FIRST TIME I REALLY WANTED TO KEEP MALICE

It was late at night and I still wasn't over her betrayal and annoying behavior. Rade and I had met on a road trip to the north, our becoming close was a surprise to team members on the same trip. Even to me, because quite frankly she wasn't my type of person. She wasn't someone I will approach on a normal day not to talk of become friends with. The faded, "crazily cut in several places" jean she wore on the first day of the trip, had been enough to put me off.

But then Providence as they say, has a way of setting things in motion. We had been forced to become roommates as the affordable rooms at the hotel our team settled for were limited and every other person had chosen who they wanted to share with.

Becoming roommates had however shed more light on her personality, making me see her in a different way. Never judge a book by its cover.

Source
I realised she is a survivor and has been through quite a lot for her age. I decided I wasn't going to judge her anymore but rather I will try to understand her and support her.

Our friendship started to turn sour after I realised that she can be controlling, insultive and aggressive. What is it about people who have been cheated and abused, turning around to become controlling and insultive?

I started to think I had made a mistake by becoming close friends with her. She was a hurt and disturbed young woman who needed to see a psychologist or speak to a counsellor. I kept on overlooking her wrongdoings because of this, until one day, her angry outburst concerning my calm and quiet disposition made me realize that she had been secretly angry.

She said in her outburst that it is okay for me to keep quiet and be calm in situations because my life was easy and smooth, I don't have enormous bills to pay, I'm not a single parent and I have it all.
Is there really someone in life who has it all? if only she knew my own fears and battles...

I was deeply hurt by her words that night and for the first time, I took a separate room on the trip. That night I kept wondering and pondering how and where I had gone wrong. I then made up my mind, I was determined to not utter a word to her for the rest of the road trip. I'd never been more ready to keep malice all my life. I was so determined that I asked God for forgiveness in advance as it was against my religious doctrines and beliefs. I was able to sleep on this thoughts.

Surprisingly the next day at the hotel restaurant, a voice that sounded like hers greeted me good morning from behind. My earlier resolve stood and besides, no one said the greeting was particularly directed to me, so I ignored.

By the end of the second day, two of our team mates had talked me into totally letting go. It had come as a surprise to them all that I could have big issues with her as to not want to speak to her, despite the fact that they had witnessed her outburst.

Then on that same second day, she bought me the safety pins I had long been looking for to buy. She couldn't give me herself, she sent another team mate. You can imagine how disturbed I was at letting my resolve go...

Several weeks after the road trip ended, and no one had to see each other anymore, she called me and she sounded really suicidal. She had been in tears and it had been difficult for me to form the right words to say. I found myself praying for her to find peace.... Several hours after, she replied the messages I left on her phone which she had switched off, to say that she hadn't been able to do it....

Depression is real. With a little bit of love, forgiveness, care, concern and selflessness we can save a life.