Becoming an open book #1
Becoming an open book!
Social media, the place where you find all the good things in life! The place where we all share our happy moments, pictures where we smile and hide the shadow side of our life!
The same goes for me! I share the happy moments in my life, and I shy away when things become personal or go in deeper to my life behind the screen. While I speak open and honest about most things, I realized that I am not the open book I wish to be!
I am an open book with a few hidden pages!
I have blogged about the pain I felt when I lost my dad last year. I have blogged about emotions, yet I always shied away from becoming too personal. Only a few weeks ago I started to wonder why I do that. Is it because I don't want people to know who I am? Is it because I fear the reactions? Or is it the fear that lives in me, the fear that people who laugh at me, think am I weird or even plain boring!
I want to change and become better at being open about all aspects of my life! I no longer want to hide the shadow or personal fears I face on a daily base. I want to learn how to be open and not shy away to end up hinding myself and my ideas!
I want my readers to know who I am
Hi, my name is Bianca and here is the first thing you might not know about me!
While I might come across as an outgoing person here on Steemit. Someone who is not scared to speak or make a joke, someone who can be found in voice chats and channels just to have a laugh, someone who is a co-host on a radio show, I am one of the shyest people you might ever meet!
Oh, you are so cute when you are shy! Shy people are CUTE!
WRONG! Maybe in some cases, it might be cute but being shy is a serious pain in the ass! Excuse my french! Shyness is a monster, a demon inside a person or at least that's how I feel it!
Shyness in my case is far from cute because it affects my life! It keeps me from being and showing who I am. It scares me and holds me back. It steals my life away from under my feet. There is a constant battle in my mind while I talk to people or meet someone new and it wears me out!
You shy? Get outtaaaa here!
When I tell people that I am super shy most of them start to laugh and wave it away. They don't believe me! ( Darn it) Until the moment I pull of my mask. ( I should wear a batgirl mask!) When I give people, those I know well, a peek into my mind they start to realize that I serious battle this every hour of the day! A simple voice chat....Battle. A meeting?... Battle! Radio show... Batlle some more! Writing down a reply to a post.... Battle... Speaking my mind? ...Freaking biggest battle ever! And these are just a few examples. You might not see or hear that I am shy, but it's always there!
I question every step I take, every word I write, every post I share and every spoken word that rolls over my lips! And it makes me so darn tired! In the middle of an interview for the radio show, my mind will go beserk on me! What the hell did I just say? OMG, did I really say that? I have not enough knowledge to talk about this! They are going to know that I am stupid! I can't do this! I need to run away and hide! I will say something stupid! They will hate me! I can NOT do this! They will kill me! No one likes me anymore! I should shut up because I suck! I HATE MYSELF!
While it might seem funny at times or even cute, it really wears me down! Lucky for me, I can laugh at myself and tell myself that everything will be okay! But, that took me a long time! I am taking baby steps to get myself out in the open more and might even take two steps back at times. It's a lesson, progress that will need time just like anything else in life!
My goals
I want to become the open book I always wanted to be, and therefore I am going to open myself up here on Steemit! I will write more posts like these under the same title and share more and more information about who I am and what I do. Shyness is just one of the shadows that I am trying to tackle in my life! To become that open book I need to share! My first task is to stop hiding and throw myself into the mix and open my mouth! Tell people what I think and feel, share my ideas even if this all scares me to hell and back!
Coming topics
More about shyness
Agoraphobia
personality disorder
Therapy
My road to healing
Horrors from the past
Thank you for reading my post!
Best wishes
@poeticsnake
Hey Bianca, you're not the only one! I deal with a similiar experience... It seems that I look like a "bad boy" though, so people expect me to be very outgoing. I'm also confronted by the vulnerability of talking about my actual life (surrounded by verbal and physical abuse, drugs, crime, alcoholism, 9 siblings from 5 different marriages and racism just to name a few) When I write about these things I feel like a complainer, and knowing many people had experiences much worse, I don't want to cry for sympathy. It's really a learning experience and Steemit is helping me to start writing about some of these things. Either way, just go for it, I'm gonna try to do same ✊🏽
Is it about being shy or is it about lacking confidnece to speak your mind? If I read your story, I feel like it's maybe more about confidence than shyness. You want to speak out, you want to be heard, share your thoughts with the world and be outgoing, but something holds you back. If you question every sentence you speak out loudly, then I think that's more about a lack of confidence. Don't get me wrong though: there's nothing wrong with lacking confidence at certain times. But that's a critical question to ask yourself in order to succesfully change your habits and way of thinking. Are you really shy or do you need more confidence? Are you an introverted person and is that why you have such a struggle in social situations, or are you extraverted by nature and are other things holding you back of becoming the person you know that is in you?
Very honest and open article, the way I like it. You clearly think about who you are as a person and you know where you want to get in life. Being so honest with yourself takes courage and strength. I hope you'll find whatever it is needed to take the necessary steps forward :). Good luck!
I think, or I know that in my case it's both! Shyness and confidence. There are way more things that I did not even mention in this post and being open about is... a struggle. BUT... If you want to change things, behave different you have to start with yourself and face the fear! Ever since I was a kid I did not dare to speak loud, not even in a shop buying a lollipop. I always whispered and my cheeks.... Omg gosh my cheeks they burned bright red and all I wanted to do is crawl under the counter. I do lack confidence for sure but the shyness is, I believe at this moment in my life stronger then the lack of confidence because I do show myself, I do write and I do speak.
Your reply is marvelous and might be the best reply I have ever gotten here! So thank you for that! Much appreciated!
Wow, that's a huge compliment :). I'm sure, the way you describe yourself and sound motivated to tackle your struggles, you'll find a way to deal with all of this. But it'll take time, and that's okay :). Thanks for your generous upvote by the way, that's very appreciated :). I look forward to more of your articles!
@tuwore I love your point of view.
@poeticsnake One thing i always try to figure out is knowing the difference between someone that wants to unburden and someone seeking help. The two works hand in hand. When we unburden we often take the mien of a third person and seek out our lives in its truest expression. We detach ourselves from ourselves so that we can, from a plane devoid of sentiment, see ourselves through. Most help-seekers are so gung-ho about the help they seek that they look for it around not knowing that by seeking ourselves , half the job is done already.
I think you just unburdened yourself. You wrote about yourself in the purest form. And i know, like you replied, you can still write more.
You are real and i love that. And i can assure you that the more you reach within, you'll find whatever it 's needed to take the necessary steps forward.
To hear the speech version of this post click the play image.
Brought to you by @tts. If you find it useful please consider upvote this reply.
@poeticsnake wow een eerlijk en open inkijk in jezelf, natuurlijk twijfelen we allemaal en verwachten we soms meer dan we zelf ervaren. Wees trouw aan jezelf en ook eens een mindere dag moet kunnen. je bent een zegen voor dit platform en ik ben blij dat ik via deze weg mocht leren kennen. En zo stap na stap we ons onttrekken van ons masker en ons open durven stellen naar de andere, hugs
People perceive what you are projecting to them. Conscious or unconscious. We as human beings evolve so much that we even don't realise it but people often do. The battle you are feeling is between the past you and the present you.
Your conscious mind try to prove so hard to your unconscious that you feel the struggle very pregnant. To prove that you are shy but, are you anymore?
You said that people don't believe you when you tell to them that you're shy. Why don't YOU believe THEM?
We often try to convince ourselves of different things. Things which might not be true anymore. Things which we passed but are still there.
The idea which you accept, is the reality which you project.
Greetings,
V.
WOW! Seriously blown away @poeticsnake! What a beautiful and touching post.
I get the shyness and the self doubt, but damn girl you are seriously OK, and that's all anyone can ever expect from anyone. What is very positive, always, is the reflection and making the first step to be an open book. Being an open book is easy, just let go of fear and know you are OK. You will find out that most people are like you, shy and doubting themselves. A head full of fears has no room for dreams they say. The best part is hanging out with these seriously OK flawed people and not worrying about your own OK flaws. You are OK!
Looking forward to the sequel :D <3 <3 <3
you always share great posts, such a great thing to be an open book with some hidden book so that no one can know your weakness, hope everything is fine with you and sorry for the death of your father, have a happy life.
I shared a very nice.motivation post
You are a great person and artistic, humble and kind in nature and the things you experienced and experience are normal for artists person cause your way of thinking is far greater than any others. You want to speak out but can’t sometimes,it’s not about confidence its just about habits,i am a confident guy but sometimes it’s even hard for me to speak out loud and it also depends whom i am speaking with. So i think with you it’s more like being shy and not a developed habit. Overall i think you have a great mind and personality.
great art.realy nice post.