The thing is "sleep just wouldn't come", instead tears came freely and it didn't seem many, for it welled my eyes lightly but then i tightened my eyes slightly to see if this well was well for real but this particular one, started to overflow and it was ocean of tears instead. I prayed and let them flow and tiny sleep left me. 

I was thinking of her on this particular night and her beauty and her brightness and of our fights and of her shine (the one she lost) and of how i wished she was here with me and bright and we could laugh and play and fight and i missed her. 

But sleep had left me

Hahaha, the thoughts flowed still and the tears flowed in accordance and i arose from the bed to clear my head a bit but why should i want to clear my head of this sad beautiful pictures. I love her there is no doubt and i want to be sad that she is not here and happy from the precious love i have for her. 

I want it mixed, i still very much want it mixed. Hahaha, i so loved her.

And I Prayed

My prayers have changed slightly these days. Hahaha, i feel like she has to forgive me. I do feel that i didn't fight for her well enough but then i would think, "why was there a fight in the first place?"; if this precious woman with all her intense suffering was allowed to leave our midst due to terminal illness, afterall her suffering, then how much of a fight can i have put in. 

I do pray that she forgave me even with the last energy in her frail mind, even as was losing life; "oh i know she would", because she was full of love and she loved us.

On her last day, even as her mind started to grow frail and her consciousness started to desert her, she remembered her mother tongue and she prayed all in it and all she mentioned in beautiful prayer was "anak" (child).

 That woman was praying for us and it was in Tagalog and i heard it. gosh; gosh; gosh, she never spoke in Tagalog to us, for our first language was Greek; she never prayed in Tagalog for us (her prayers were always in English) but this very time she did and it was for us; "oh Jehovah please listen to this particular prayer for us!"

I Arose From The Bed

My tears abated, thus, i tried to sleep but the tiny sleep that i may have had in me had left me and normally i would stay in bed to get some rest, since sleep is normally scarce in my case but my inclinations weren't settling down as they kept wanting me to rise;

 but my inclinations aren't me and normally, i would take charge; "it is time to retire and rest, for tears have come and are retiring and i have resolved anew".

I didn't!

Hahaha, i arose from bed and i paced my tiny room a bit, then i tried some "stretch to my pelvis" to boost its grit and soothe my stiffness and pains. Then i ended up here, on this PC because i thought "steemit" but i ended up on Facebook first.

An off-key move!

Normally, i don't visit Facebook that much. I do check on Facebook messenger, using my phone but that isn't Facebook itself. 

But alas, i found myself checking Facebook first, upon opening my laptop and the first thing i spot is this notification:

You know, the main Facebook account of Maria Wilma Ajayi Aranez was converted into a Memorial-type account automatically by Facebook, days after she pass away. 

Basically, we lost access to it as she didn't know that she had to set a legal maintainer of her account, incase she dies or perhaps, she knew but she didn't expect that she would die. 

But hey there, i forgot the days as it has been flying faster recently. Each day has easily become the same to me and each date or so i thought, till i saw the date was December 20 (as seen in the Facebook notification on the screenshot above, from an old Facebook account that my mum used to have, that isn't her active one) and my tears flowed anew. 

I cried and wished and prayed! 

I missed her and i imagined things and moments and times that we would have shared, had she been here and with me and with her shine. 

She was with my for 16 days, after we have not seen for close to 5 years but it was different! She was pretty and all but it was different, for she had lost her glow and i saw it! 

She wanted to live; she so wanted it and i do wish she lived. 

I so so so miss her

I too too too love her

She very very very loved us.

If she was here today, she would have been older today, December 20!

I shed tears but beautiful valuable tears for these particular tears, Jehovah keeps in a skin bottle and in his bosom and he will look also at these particular tears and as a result of it, sift our bad to find good in it. In Jesus' name amen

Go buy your Mama a house!

What? You don't love your mum? Shut up! Who are you, not to?
She takes drugs, so? But at least, she remembered to conceive of you; so shut up a bit. Do you know what labor pains mean?
Deem it fit, just once, to go ask your mum how labor-painful it was, when she bore you and see, if she won't cry mixed tears, from memories of it: one for the precious memory of holding your pretty being, in her hands and the other for the pains.
And if you are the first child, she will cry even more as she recalls; for the pain that bore you, was 'hot pains'.

"Wake up, and go love that woman!"

If you only knew, how much she has bore your arrogance....etc in silence; how many times, she has let you win arguments and gone to the room to give way to mountainous tears or how much she has covered up for you and bore whole-days of guilt or how much she has so wished you gave her gifts, though she has kept appearing to you; like she is needless. 

Hush and go love your mama today, even now!