Turning Tables

Usually when we refer to turning tables, we think of a situation in which someone is at a disadvantage and then outplays the opponent. In a sport match or a debate, a losing party can turn the tables by catching the opponent off-guard or by simply outplaying the other party.

In this case I want to use turning tables as a way to express how in the last few months my past self made me feel from indebted to free. Most of my life I have lived with guilt. Due to a certain set of circumstances of life, I cannot feel anyone compliments me in a positive way truthfully. Whenever someone praises my work or my actions, I simply cannot take it as the words spoken. Instead, I see it as a white lie or a consolation prize. I'm deaf to positive comments. On the other hand, I strive to be a better person, and pushing this to every extent mentally, I've come to take every negative comment as a truth. At this point I don't think it is possible for me to change this way of thinking, and I also wonder if I want to change it.

In the last few months, I haven't been able to stay deaf to 3 people. No matter how much I try to minimize my actions and ignore my influence, I think they have been so honest that it would be disrespectful to dismiss their openness. Firstly, an old friend told me this Christmas that even after 8 years, I was part of the person she is today. She is thankful for that which I helped to let her become, and is happy with the person she is today. A few weeks later another friend told me over NYE that he was deeply thankful for the aid and support I've given him over the last 4 years. Lastly another friend wanted to thank me for being there for her when no one else was, allowing her to be as happy as she is today. That I worked as her role model and guidance at her worst, leading to her best.

My life is full of guilt. What I do, what I say can be interpreted as pain put into a veil of positivity. I'm guilty of being alive, and I repay by giving without asking. I give, and I decline. Even if that can't change, those three persons have let me know that at least what I give wasn't thrown in an empty well.