Trolls! This is Your Opportunity of a Lifetime! (~Mature~ Reader Discretion Advised.)
Hi there! Good to see you! My name is @nonameslefttouse, The Writer Himself. I have some incredible news today so sit your asses down and pay attention!
Today, We Learn About Trolls.
I'm going to cut straight to the chase. I don't need to tell the world what a fucking troll is, everyone knows. A troll is a fucking moron. Especially if that troll is trolling for free. These assholes will spend nearly every moment of their life within some form of online text box, typing nonsense and pressing send. How this pays the bills or contributes to society has yet to be determined by science. I've met a few trolls, I've seen them around. I've yet to find a successful one though.
Sure, maybe they are good at what they do. Maybe they are the best at saying, "yer gay," or "trolla allalala," but I've yet to see this placed in the qualifications section of any public online job seeking forum. I think I might know why, but as a normal person, I feel out of place pretending to know what I'm talking about, so I'll just keep my shit to myself.
What The Fuck Do I Do Then?
When you encounter a troll, there's not much you really can do. They are so fucked in the head, no matter how hard you try, nothing will ever seem to register within their fucked up minds. To them, everything is your fault. All other people on the planet possess inferior intelligence levels in comparison to theirs. Don't forget that shit.
Typically, the best course of action is to simply ignore the troll. You'll know who they are. They stand out like a sore thumb at the thumbs up their asses convention. It's not hard to predict the outcome if the troll is acknowledged. They will level up their troll behavior if engaged and attempt to better themselves each step of the way. If you see a lengthy, hateful essay about a persons mental condition, chances are a troll has been engaged and is now attempting to be a psychologist. This usually occurs at about the one hour mark. They start out simple and want to end up smart in their minds. That's just the way the cookie crumbles. It's not your job to clean that shit up.
Remember. They must get in the last word or they will feel defeated. Every step you take to remedy the situation will only be met with more one-upmanship. That is part of their script, it is the only fucking thing they know.
Pretend it is opposite day. If someone comes along and calls you names, say thank you. That will fuck with their heads. They will not know how to respond. They have a script they must follow. If you react in predictable form, the troll will have their response ready.
Here is One Fucking Example.
Troll: This article sucks and so does your mom. LOL!
You before this information: Excuse me! What?!?! Screw you! Jerk!
Troll: Haha are you mad! You mad bro! hahahahaha! It's just the internet! Why you so mad! hahahahaa.
You before this information: No! I'm not mad! I have better things to do with my life. I'm not going to waste my time on you!
Troll: more random blah blah insults garbage nonsense
The troll thinks they are smart enough to lure people in with bait. Do not bite, you are not a stupid fish, so don't get hooked in the mouth and pulled around for a half hour until you finally get tired and give up. If you slipped and took a taste of the bait, don't be afraid to spit it out.
Remember. Everyone knows what a troll is. If you stop talking to them, everyone else will know why. The people will not assume you simply cannot win an argument and judge you accordingly. That is how the troll mind works, not the normal person mind. The observer will know you'd prefer to pick a fight with worthy opponents. The observer will know who those opponents are. People are not as fucking stupid as a troll. They get it.
Another Fucking Example
Troll: It was a good read, for warm piss! I'm jacking off all over it!
You before this information:
Troll: Oh what's wrong! Can't handle it! hahahahahaha pussy! hahahahaha!
Notice how you fucked up? You said nothing. That is part of their script and the response to silence has been rehearsed in advance. You've given the troll the victory. Now that troll moves on to the next place that seems like a fitting location to look like a complete fucking moron. You've not done society a service and should be ashamed of yourself!
Remember, you do not need to engage. A little common courtesy does go a long way though. Your friends will appreciate it and start to invite you to parties again.
The Final Fucking Example
Troll: Yeah, that's about as true as my huge cock in your ass!
The New You: Thank you!
Troll:
Success! You'll notice the troll had nothing to say. How do you respond to that? This is what's known as a curve ball. It's impossible now to respond and not look like a fucking moron even though that's nearly impossible for a troll.
A troll cannot say, "You're welcome!" If they did though, that's so much better than anything else that was about to slide off of scripted finger tips. They would have to forfeit their trollmanship act in order to respond accordingly. If they did progress with insults after you've thanked them, it's now impossible for them to begin leveling up to psychologist magnitude intelligence standards. How could one appear intelligent, if they've insulted someone for giving thanks? Impossible!
The troll is given two options and still wants to seem intelligent. Carrying on will make them appear to be fucked in the head. That's the last thing they want, even though we already know. Saying nothing would save a bit of face. If the troll wanted to stop being a troll forever that day, they would say, "No, thank you!" You've now provided your service to society and we have one less fucking moronic troll in this world.
But, But, But I'm a Fucking Troll!
If you are a troll, then the short answer is yes and I say it proudly. Little do you realize, I'm actually helping you. Did you know, once you come down from troll mountain, you can join us, the normal people, and actually get paid for your infinite wisdom?
It's true! People might even want to listen to you for a change. We all know you can type fast, so why not use that to your benefit? Everyone knows you have low self esteem and act accordingly. You could write about your first hand accounts about dealing with depression, instead of pretending you're fine. We know what an inferiority complex looks like when it gets behind the fancy word writing keys. You could write about how to cope with fits of jealousy and rage.
Trust me, you know more than you think. You're just fucked in the head and live in a fantasy world which you created as a safe haven from the menacing normality of life. You could probably even be a bad guy wrestler, if you applied yourself and maybe worked out a little bit instead of eating chips and drinking mountain dew all damn day.
If you don't feel like coming down from your imaginary throne, you can always come here to steemit, troll away, maybe make a few pennies until you get flagged to death and everyone will say...
Fucking Sidenotes with a hint of Conclusion
Many of you out there take your product seriously. I know I do, even though I like to joke around. I don't like seeing your comment sections ruined by assholes. That shit stays there for an eternity. Many of you have an image you'd like to maintain. A level of professionalism we can all respect. If I want to read about travel destinations or take in a history lesson, I don't want to become lost in the comment section finding entertainment in arguments about unrelated nonsense. Nobody wants an asshole coming along and ruining the experience for everyone. A good thought provoking debate with a hint of cool heads and clear minds is thee way to be.
Many of you do not want to lose your cool with these morons or appear to be weak. It's tempting to put them in their place and feel superior, but the trolls will never get it. They keep coming back with the next stage of drivel for all to endure. It gets worse before it gets better. Look at any comment section under a Youtube video as an example. As Steemit grows, so will the user base and so will the amount of trolls. Be prepared.
Keep in mind, I don't really have to keep up with appearances here. My blog is mainly based on comedy. My personality likes to out troll the trolls and I don't mind the entertainment. Many of you don't have that luxury. Other places around the web offer comment approval options. I can't stand censorship though and for the most part, my experience here has been nothing less than awesome.
It is interesting though, to finally have a place in this world where everyone gets paid, except the assholes. Since the assholes don't get much around here, I'd like give them something. I'm a generous man.
Trolololol
funny. nice.
Hey hey! Thanks for enjoying that. It was a fun one.