As a proponent of change, I look forward to seeing what's next. Hiccups suck, but they always go away. Some fresh, clean socks. Hell yeah.

^{I Am a Bloody Mess}

First

^{A thank you.}

It's a thankless job, isn't it?  Working your ass off behind the scenes.  Trying to stay focused.  Ignoring all of the negativity.  Feeling like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.  I get it.

You didn't give up.  Good job.  Keep up the good work, people behind the scenes, those who work to make this place a thing.  Thank you.

Second

^{Some days are rough on this end.}

I have to fight demons every single day.  I don't feel like I'm good enough.  I don't feel like I'm welcome.  They want me to be funny.  They want to see some unique visuals.  They want to see me perform at my best, daily.  If I can't, they won't like me.  Thousands follow.  Why do so many ignore my work.  Did I do something wrong?  Was it something I said?  Should I stop fucking swearing?  It just goes on and on and on.  Will it all end tomorrow?

Remember awhile back when Yabapmatt accidentally voted up my Shit Post of the Day Award comment to around $200?

I read everything you folks said.  Every last word.  I planned to take a break before any of that happened, so I was sticking to my guns, went silent, but I saw the whole thing.

These massive accidental votes have happened in the past.  Sometimes that can get pretty ugly.  A lot of negativity, jealousy, even hatred.  Bad things.  I kept my eye on it.  Hoped it wouldn't turn into a shitstorm.

All you folks did was say supportive things.

^{It made everyone happy.}

I've thanked you folks for having my back, supporting my work, being there for me; things like that.  I've said you're all awesome, but have I ever thanked you for it?

Thanks for being you and equaling awesome.

Again.  It's been quieter around the blogosphere as of late.  I'm sure you've all noticed at some point. You're still here though, checking up on me.  I see you.  I gotta tell you people: It means a lot to me.

No matter how good things are going though, this mind of mine—I'm battling.  I don't know what the hell it is.  My brain just doesn't want me to feel good even when I'm surrounded by awesome.  You're doing everything right.  Things are going good.  I'm putting smiles on faces.  I'm smiling on this end from time to time.  I recognize that; I accept it.  So why do I feel like shit.  Working hard, seeing results—my brain is all like give up, you're failing, nobody likes you.

Shut up!

^{I can't even stand the sound of my own thoughts some days.}

I've allowed these thoughts to get the best of me before.  I've let them win.  Ever since the last time though, I've been steadily kicking their ass; sometimes brutally.  I once grabbed you're not good enough by the throat, threw him up against the wall, then stabbed him in the neck twenty-seven times with the business end of a hard spork.

You weren't expecting that.

Neither was he.

I've tried all of that happy-happy fun time feel good stuff.  It doesn't work for me.

Simply thinking a certain way isn't enough.  I can't trick myself or wear a mask.  I'm not making a conscious decision to think unhappy thoughts, it's just there; so I can't simply think it all away with watered down sales pitch "positivity" from some random self-help guru looking to make a quick buck, for I see right through that motherfuck.

If I can't get rid of this fly buzzing around my head with happy thoughts, then how are happy thoughts supposed to remove the bugs buzzing around inside my head?  That's just not how it works.  I can smack the fly though.  Works like a charm.

Does this mean my brain is a bug zapper?

Snap, Crackle, Pop.

^Bitches.

I'm feeling better already.

Have a nice day. _and See you all after the hard fork.

Credits: _{All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me. "Might not see another post for a couple days. We'll see how it goes, right?"}

^{© 2018 @NoNamesLeftToUse.  All rights reserved.}