I Dropped My Baby, So I Got A New One

Do you guys know what a Hydro Flask is? It's an over-priced, but beautifully-crafted water bottle.

My first one cost me around 40 bucks. It was Battlestar Galactica grey. It was cool to look at, cool to hold. But more importantly, it was COLD inside. Oh, so wonderfully cold all the time.

You could literally drop some ice cubes in this thing and those same ice cubes would STILL BE FROZEN the next day! It made drinking water refreshing, and it helped to reduce my soda intake.

So I got in the habit of carrying this water bottle around everywhere I went. I wouldn't leave home without it.

Soon my wife and kids were taking note of the seemingly emotional attachment I had to it. Like, if the house was on fire, who would I save? The wife? The kids? Or my water bottle? (Like duh, the bottle has WATER in it. It's a FIRE...it's pretty much a no-brainer).

Pretty soon, what started off as an inanimate object was soon a full-fledged member of the family. The entire family started referring to it as "baby". As if to say it was my "baby", such was my devotion to its safety and well being.

The truth of the matter is, the dang thing cost me FORTY BUCKS! Of course, I'm gonna take care of it. Come on now!

Well, it didn't take long for this strange family dynamic to turn disturbingly odd.

We grew more and more comfortable referring to this thing as "baby". It got to the point where we didn't even think twice about it. So much so that it led to some interesting situations.

Sometimes, it was simply a reminder from one of the kids. "Hey, Dad. Did you get your baby?" And I'd be like "oh yeah!", at which point I'd run back into the house to grab the bottle before we drove away.

Then there were the OTHER times. I distinctly remember the look of absolute horror on the faces of nearby people when my wife noticed that we left the Hydro Flask in the car on a hot day. "Sweetie, you left the baby in the car!" Without even thinking about the people around us, I shrugged. "The baby will be fine for a couple of hours.""

Similar situations arose where we referred to stuffing "baby" in her purse or forgetting "baby" at work.

It's a miracle that Child Protective Services never showed up on our doorstep. Or maybe people don't care about babies like they used to.

One fateful day, I dropped baby. There was a dent. I was devastated. Being the superficial and horrible human being that I am, the deformity was a blemish upon my love for baby. It's now ugly appearance was an unforgiving reminder of my own clumsiness.

I felt its accusing stare in the darkness while I slept.

Luckily, my wonderful daughter bought me a new baby for my birthday! Or was it Father's Day? Hrm, I don't remember. Either way, she took away the ugly baby for herself. Good riddance I say! I know it was plotting against me.

This new baby is so much better! It's blue!

And then I started drinking Gatorade.

It has electrolytes.