Me in a nutshell when it comes to friendships

Saying Goodbye

I'm kinda good at them at this point in my life, really too good at them. See, I have a problem, that problem is that I am really good at making new friends, and terrible at maintaining them. I mean you really have to be an exciting person and challenge me in a way to keep my attention to want to do things or have drugs.... that works too lol

The reason why I bring this up is that Fulbright Korea just had their final dinner this weekend in Seoul and I didn't really care to go. In fact, I thought it was mandatory til I rechecked my emails and noticed I hadn't RSVPed, with that I thought, 'I don't wanna be on a bus for 8 hours this weekend.' Out of nearly 80 people I spent my last Summer within orientation for this job and really only a handful, I would say I became close with over the year. If I see most of them, sure I hug them and have the general chit-chat, but outside of that I never make plans to meet up for coffee or to go anywhere outside of a few friends.

It is a bit disheartening because I thought this time I would really become the social butterfly and make friends with everyone. Now, would have been the time, perhaps some of these people will go on to have some great positions of power, and I could use those connections. To be honest with myself though I am the kind of person that you either love or loathe, not really an in-between choice, I'm afraid. I have such a dark sense of humor that borderlines on the kind of jokes you only find with suicide hotline workers and I am so sarcastic that I can't even explain myself without an offended person thinking that I am sarcastic then when I am serious (that was a great conversation, let me tell you). So, long story short, I offended some people, mostly keeping it to themselves, others going out of their way to shame me. But I'll stray from that.

Where to Begin

This is kind of how I have always been, in elementary I was sheltered living with my grandparents with enough video games and toys to the point where I didn't need real friends. Go into adoption, through the first family I had to go to church, so I had the church friends, but I really didn't believe in it. I always wanted to know what G man did with the dinosaurs, why worship someone so quick to commit genocide, and trying to prove aliens are angels and demons. I'm getting off topic again, back to making friends...

Late middle school through high school, I had been adopted into a loving family, and I started working my first job at Mcdonalds. Monday through Friday, school 8-3:20 then work 4-12am, also working on the weekends. I had a great social life, not really; it was all done at work. The only thing that really kept me sane was coming home to smoke pot with my brothers or dad and playing video games. Managed to have my first gf at 16, after a month she told me it was either her or weed and never made a quicker choice in my life. Then with my next gf, it was the same thing, left her quite quickly as well, she tried to go back on it, but I don't like the ultimatums. Mostly, my friendships were forged over COD and Halo, because who had time to see each other lol (half those people are still my closest friends btw)

College

Then came college, I had a gf from high school, she was a year younger, so she was in high school while I was doing my first year. It was my first actual love, and longest relationship, so when she left me, it was rough. I didn't have other friends outside of our mutual ones; I'm sure some of you know how that feels. I was lost indeed, depressed, rarely been in such a slump like that, I had depressive swings before and met with a therapist to deal with my issues, but this time I didn't have that.

I had a few friends though from it. One of my best friends that I partied a lot with invited me over to make bacon pancakes together and get high. Then, my ex came over, but my friend told her just to leave. It was kind of an awkward jam because they became friends because of me, but she told me she valued our friendship more even though my ex was now dating our mutual friend. It all turned out for the best because she cheated on him with his roommate, yay, I get to come over without it being weird now.

The thing about this friend is that we really bonded over hating other people together, that's how true friendships work, hating others lol And we are still friends to this day, she actually saved my ass when I came back from studying in Korea, picked me up from Greyhound station in Dever with a pipe loaded and let me stay overnight so I can catch the morning bus to see my brother.

Okay, this will no longer include exes because I am just getting off rail from the point, over and over again. Even though really the perfect partner is a best friend, and that is what I go for when making a relationship, so I guess it really isn't that off point, but I'll try not to bring it up anymore.

Other things from the first year of college, because I was trying to make new friends again, I started getting involved in groups like the LGBTQA club and bowling. LGBTQA club because they basically just hung out in between classes and had a messed up humor that I enjoyed, I just helped with doing event planning and stuff since I was only an ally. Also, during high school, some people spread rumors that I was gay, and not having many friends to defend that was kind of hard, even though I was just too busy actually to date. So, I thought being apart of this club was ironically fitting for me.

It All Began to Change

Then, the second year of college. Still trying to make some new friends, I sat down next to an international student because I figured, why not. That is when it all started to domino. This student was from Korea; she was super friendly. I was invited to join the Korean language club, where I started learning Korean. I never thought I could learn another language again, fast forward I studied in Korea and got over my low confidence in talking to people. I started making friends left, and right, it was entirely different and weird. I still had my closest friends in America, and I have my closest friends in Korea now. Sure, I became that guy, that was really involved with the international students, I had a couple of relationships, love to drink and smoke so people would talk behind my back saying that I just do it for the girls, but I really enjoyed teaching English. To those people, they can fuck off, I started getting into Korean to make friends, and I never really connected these dots until now, strange...

On the other hand, between going back and forth from America and abroad, my friendships are short and seemingly almost disposable, my love life is similar if not worse. I do, however, keep a few really close friends where I go. I guess from back in the high school days when I couldn't trust people, and I maintain that mentality that it is best to keep just a few close friends. During college, that was utterly important in more ways that you can imagine. So, maybe it is just not in my nature to keep all those connections and be the butterfly I thought I was going to be.

Perhaps, keeping only a handful of close friends I can trust is the best thing for me. It may be too easy for me to say goodbye to people in my life but at the end of the day, if we indeed are friends, we will stay together. 😄

Thank you for sticking through this post, this was more so just me rambling about something that has been bothering me. It helps to write about it, I get more focus this way.

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