Depression isn’t a Choice, it’s a Feeling.

I’m at this point of my life where I don’t know how to feel. I feel so numb, I couldn’t feel anything. I need someone to talk to, to listen to my feelings and frustrations, to listen - just listen and offer a hug and tell me everything is going to fall into its right place. I needed those things because i’m at this point of my life where I sleep without feeling the need of sleep. I wake up without knowing that I want. I lost interest about everything in life. I tried to share my dilemma to someone I thought would console me but no, all I had was nothing. All I heard was judgement and indifference. I tried to tell him I was depressed but he told me it should not be my priority. I was so hurt. I guess, depression isn’t a choice nor an entry on your priority list. It’s a constant feeling of diversion, a complete disarray of mindset and consuming feeling of darkness inside. Depression is not a choice, it’s a feeling. Let’s say you’re hungry but since eating is not your priority at the moment, you decided to skip meal. You went on doing the number one priority but did your hunger disappear?

I feel so sorry for myself for thinking too much. But it’s because of this too much thinking that I get to know real faces of people. We get to know people well with the choices they make between you and things they want. For example, you needed someone to be of help right away simultaneously occurring during the time they wanted to do something they want, if they argue, then you already know which comes first on the list. I remember the time someone asked me a favor. I accomplished it right away and he thanked me and even told me “I love you” right after that, I tried to tell him I might be feeling depressed and I feel the weight of my heavy feelings consuming me down to the bones. I needed to hear that “I love you” again. I wanted to hear that desperately but all I heard were shots of sharp words to make my wounded soul bleed more. Sweetheart, I needed your help, not your criticism. It pains me to realize that you only get to avail that precious “I love you” when you accomplish something for them. It pains me to realize I am not I-love-you worthy out of pure intentions and feelings. It hurts to live with that. It hurts to see people who mattered to you ignore your feeling of darkness and self- pity so you tried to seek help from other means just to stay sane. Somehow, music has been a great step towards self healing paired with positive readings. Talking to my mom also add to my eagerness to heal, pick up the pieces of my shattered self and rise up again.

This is when I decided to stop talking to you. Because, talking to you will only break my healing process. I needed to heal and the least that you can do is to stop breaking the process all over again. I am trying to build myself up again, regain my self-confidence, security and radiance I lost because of your harmful words. I also have to take care of my thoughts, re-invent my way of thinking and restore my intelligence. I completely sold to my emotions out of making you a world which never watered my plants to bloom. But not to worry, because even though I watered myself tears inside of your world, I know understand that it is for me to grow out of pain and grief. Sunny days usually come out after rain poured so hard.

By this, thank your for making me a poet. This sure will make me a fortune.