Don't Know Which Way To Go...
For fu*k sake, I wish I could have a nice week. This week was looking up, the first week in a long time where I actually thought 'Hey maybe I'm going to be okay.' BUT boom here come the emotions. It's all to do with the ex and with the shit he keeps feeding me and I keep believing.
I don't know why I'm so gullible. Well, actually I think I might know. When we first moved here I was the loneliest I've even been and I welcomed something into my life called 'Clinical Depression.' So many people have had depression and so many people will be able to relate to me when I say it feels like nothing can make you whole again, like you'll never be that happy person you once were. It can happen at any moment, at any time, you could be having your first good day that you've had in months, but little old depression won't like that at all and she'll chase you down until you feel worthless again.
I guess you could say recently that's been happening to me. I don't particularly like talking about it but it helps me to write about it. So when I think of losing my ex, I think of being alone again and what that will do to me. No matter how shitty he is towards me and no matter how many times I'm told to apologise for something I haven't done, I will always go back to him. Sounds crazy but he's the only person I have.
Don't get me wrong, he's not the devil, we've had some pretty great times together but recently everything's turned to shit. So many people have said that you can't be friends with your ex and I'm starting to understand why. It's hard, it's hard to hear him tell me he loves me and then the same day he'll be messaging girls on Facebook telling them how hot they are and boasting about it to his friends. How can you love someone and do that?
I feel very used. I help him out every single day and never ask for anything in return, nor do I ever get anything in return.
I remember lying in bed next to him crying into my pillow because of how he made me feel. But yet I still stayed and I continue to stay. I don't think I'm strong enough to leave.
I don't understand love or relationships and this one has definitely put me off forever. I just don't want to go back to that place I was in before, I can feel myself slipping more and more each day. No matter how happy I try to make myself feel, nothing works. Suggestions?
Thanks for reading.
Until next time,
Meliss
Image Cred: https://www.flickr.com/photos/davidfross/6083954280/
For me, and of course this is me, I immerse myself. Work, yep give me more...I'll do twice as much as anyone. If I find that I have some dead time? I'll sign up for something to fill that space of time, so I'm not thinking anymore....anything. I will be the busiest person that I can be until I can't even stop to think.
I am pretty sure that a lot of guys have a button to turn off emotions. Just block that shit out for awhile. Watch out when it comes back, but until then all those thoughts are just sort of scooted to the back burner, to deal with another day.
There's a trade off to having that button though. People need to feel the hurt or pain sometimes. Feeling pain is part of the healing process. It is the first step. You deny yourself that pain, through alcohol, or drugs, or simply ignoring the hurt, you dont even begin to heal.
Again, this is just me. And I am the worst person in the world at fixing my own problems. In my life, I seem to be the "fixer of other people's problems" but mine can wait.
@jbcoin I'm annoyed I didn't read this comment earlier. Thank you for that advice it's definitely something I do too. Being busy helps but as you said pain is apart of healing.
Thank you! 😊