I'm sorry - and please let me explain

 This blog is for all those lovely, beautiful people who I had the privilege to share this path with in some way or the other. And if you‘re reading this: YES, I‘m talking about YOU!

I haven‘t been myself lately. It was honestly the most difficult period of my life so far. Everything seemed to crumble and nothing seemed to work anymore. I was burnt out. I couldn‘t think clearly anymore. I didn‘t have the energy for the simplest things anymore. I felt anxious and suffered from migraine attacks. Most people think of migraine as a headache and you take a pill or take a good night‘s sleep and it‘s all good. But it's more complex. Here is what migraine looks and feels like in my case: I loose the ability to see on one eye (usually the right side). There's a paralysis unfolding usually on one side of my body aka temporary hemiplegia. I stop feeling one side of my body, last time it was the entire right side of  my body, starting with the arm, moving into the face and tongue. You get the image. Then I loose the ability to verbalize my thoughts. At this point the condition is more similar to a stroke. But it doesn‘t stop there: It‘s followed by a pounding pain in the skull, forehead and temples. Worst case: it goes on for days. It‘s usually accompanied by what doctors refer to as photosensitivity. I can‘t handle any kind of lights anymore, albeit artificial or natural light. Consequently I lock my self up in the darkest room of the building. Being very sensitive to noises is usually also a side effect. And it‘s not like after the symptoms are gone it‘s all good again. There are some mid-term and long-term consequences too. Also in painfree situations I had more and more problems to think clearly and to verbalize my thoughts. I don‘t think that I am back at the level of my cognitive abilities I had say a year ago.   

I want to point out: Yes, a condition like this sucks and I never felt as helpless and powerless as I did in recent months. However, this is not supposed to be a pity party. I don‘t want anybody‘s pity. Still I want you to understand why you might not have heard from me in a while, or why I didn‘t answer to messages and phone calls. I also want to empathize to whoever reads this: I do care about you! And me disconnecting from more or less everyone in my life has nothing to do with you but all to do with the difficult circumstances in my life. And to those who I neglected and to those who feel understandably neglected I want to apologize.   
 

Back to the migraine: Doctors in these kind of cases test your blood, test for nutrient deficiency, scan your brain, maybe other areas like your lung, conclude that there‘s nothing wrong, that the root of the disease is unknown and hook you up with some chemicals to turn you into a drug dependent junkie. I‘m not blaming anyone here, it‘s just how it works. Still, the result is utter powerlessness.  I‘m supposed to be the empowerment coach, so how can I teach others if I haven‘t figured out the crucial health department myself?! Of course, this lead to a deeper crisis. And it‘s obviously a necessary crisis. There‘s something pivotal I didn‘t realize yet, there‘s some lesson I didn‘t learn. I guess one is not to put so much weight on my shoulders. Nobody is really perfect and life is a constant succession of lesson after lesson. I would be quite boring too if you knew everything already, right? ;)   
 

We are living in truly extraordinary times. We‘re confronted with an amount of technological advances that are unheard of. It‘s a big opportunity, but it also bears risks. The degree to which we‘re exposed to rather new kind of waves (through the internet, wireless technologies etc.). I can only tell from my experience: I couldn‘t handle all of this anymore. The increased exposure to technology could also be a root cause for my headaches. There‘s a term for this: Electro smog. I felt foggy in my head, anxious, tired, exhausted when exposed to a lot of this and decided to go into nature a lot more and switch of my phone and laptop for the most part of the day.
 

There are so many systems surrounding me that are massively flawed to say the least. The political system, the educational system or the medical system to only name a few. For the last years I was in rebellion-mode. Being in a state of active resistance to all of these systems. Jeeez… it‘s exhausting… Now I try to see also the positive in these systems and aim to apply a more cooperative mode. For my health's sake. I don‘t want to go into much details about this here. Let‘s just say I‘m working on another area of my life to eliminate stress and anxiety.    
 

The mission of empowering others during the last one or even two years turned more and more into a burden that it took the fun away. One of my mentors once said: „You need fun in your life, otherwise you burn out.“ I had to learn it the hard way.   
 

Last year I started doing my own workshops to teach the really empowering tools. I traveled to different countries inside Europe on my mission to empowering others. But in the midst of this wave of euphoria I forgot to pay attention to myself. There always seemed something that needed to be done. I didn‘t take a proper break, my mind was running and running. I forgot to charge my own batteries. At some point my batteries were empty. I don‘t know how long it will take until I am the „old Chaim“. One thing is for certain: I need to fill up my cup first, only then can I contribute. Only then can I serve from my overflow. It‘s the only thing that makes sense.   
 

Besides, I now switched to a plant based vegan diet. From what I learnt it‘s my best shot at overcoming my migraines. And so far, it has been a great choice. I pay more attention to taking in healthy fats to increase my cognitive abilities and to detox through an increased intake of antioxidants. I‘ve also been experimenting with CBD oil. So far, as well, a pretty promising start.   
 

The fear of suffering another migraine attack creeps up occasionally. I feel a tingling sensation in my arm and I think: „Shit, there we go again!“ Sometimes it takes 30 minutes to get from feeling great, present and alive to the condition I described at the beginning of my text. It can thus take only a couple of minutes for the entire system to shut down. Damn, this really sucks! But it‘s simply something I have to deal with.
 

And fun! Singing, dancing, joking around! In order to achieve a healthy balance in my life I need to bring the fun back. Just being. Just doing things because it's fun to do. No second thoughts, no "improving the state of the world". I hope some time in the future, we can meet and do all of these fun things together. 

 

There‘s certainly light at the end of the tunnel. But it might still take some time. To quote AC/DC: It‘s a long way to the top if you want to rock n‘ roll ;) At this point it‘s about finding the balance and regaining trust in my body, brain, mind and soul and, for that matter, life itself. It‘s about taking the right decisions on a consistent basis and to be patient. I'm currently taking part in a coaching program that aims to balance out all of the essential areas of life. It's important for me to remind myself that other's have experienced similar things. I don't need to go through it alone. Instead I can benefit from other's experiences who did overcome obstacles I am faced with.
 

If you made it this far, I want to thank you because it shows that you too care. If you have any thoughts, suggestions, tips etc. don‘t hesitate to message me or comment. I might take some time to reply, but I certainly appreciate it. :)
 

Much love
 

Chaim