30 Days of Self Discovery - Day 1
Megan,
Day 1: "How do you feel right this moment?"
I've been up since 5am. Tossing and turning, snotting and coughing. The flu has subsided, but the snotty cough won't let me be. I don't feel tired though.
I know that I am stressed, because I have been clenching my jaw again. If you asked my teeth how they feel, they'd say sore from being crushed between a vice all night.
I'm starting my internship at a research center in a hospital. You'd probably think thats why I am stressed. New place, new faces and impressions. And i'd have to tell you, thats just not true.
My stress comes from the inside; from my pressure cooker of brain. I sit here knowing I deserve more, I can give more, inspire more, love more. My knowing though, has yet to turn into action.
Yesterday, I heard someone say: "we tend to procrastinate doing the things, that will propel us forward, that will catalyse change."
One spin more, Mr. Vice - it's not like my teeth aren't already swelling with disappointment. I feel like the only thing I have majored in is procrastination. Because I am afraid of change.
Because I am afraid of leaving the comfort of my kingdom.
The world can be cruel, unjust and unkind. I've been battered and bruised by the madness, the rejection and the words "you are not enough".
My thick skin melted like plastic sat too close to a fire. I retreated. And now I sit like Rapunzel in her tower, waiting to be saved.
So right now, I'm half-way between kicking my own ass, and wondering wide-eyed why nothing is happening. A daily saga showered with disappointment and frustration - because I know I am more than I allow myself to be. So I right now, I feel like Jake Gyllenhaal in Bubble Boy: confined by fallaciousness to the bubble of my skull.
But hey, he makes it in the end!
photo credit: Timothy Krause
Just one of those days.
Goodnight, good morning and good day Sweet Steemers.
May you day be filled with love and light
p.s: If the title didn't give it away. Its a 30 day challenge to myself. Feel free to join in and share your daily grind or dreams topped with whip cream. I found the challenge here while - you guessed it - procrastinating!