Thursdays With Uncle Boom #63

I got us tickets to see the Queen!

Squawked Miss Fenniwig breathlessly on the telephone.

I pulled the receiver away from my ear and glared at it furiously. Bloody telephones. I hated using the things. So impersonal. I much preferred to get up close and personal when speaking. I heard squeaking from the earpiece and reluctantly cupped it back to my ear like a pig's vulva.

The Queen?

I barked.

Are you mad? I don't need a ticket to see the bloody Queen?!

I'll pick you up in an hour, be ready for me darling!

She hung up.

I put the phone down on my desk. Well, this was quite the pickle. I had been expecting Miss Fenniwig over this evening and as a result, had bathed my tadger quite carefully, even getting right down to the bottom of it. Now, here she was saying that we wouldn't be playing hide the purple monkey after all and instead be going to see the Queen.

Bloody old trout, keeping me from the hokey pokey.

I decided to get stuck into the Brandy, it would help to be quite lubricated if old Queeny tried to chase me with her desiccated old ham sandwich of a vagina.

After all, a Gentleman should never refuse a Queen.

By the time Miss Fenniwig honked her horn outside I had managed to demolish a bottle of the good stuff. I leered at my handsomosity in the mirror over the mantel before grabbing another bottle for good luck and heading out to her car.

Miss Fenniwig dragged me along by the hand quite excitedly. The audience with the Queen seemed to have made her quite giddy with excitement. She stopped suddenly and whirled around taking my other hand and pressing them both against her chest and pulling me close.

Can I ask something, Boomy? Something quite unusual... Promise you won't be cross?

I wiggled my hands free and ferreted around in a pocket for my pipe. I had a new baccy, Jaded Gate. It was an aromatic number with a hint of haddock which I found cut through the Brandy fog quite nicely.

Oh go on, my little urban fox. Ask away!

I waved a hand expansively.

She took a step back, almost nervously and then the words tumbled out in a rush.

Don't take this the wrong way... I mean, we have been seeing one another for some time now and you know things about me... You know? Well, I think it is quite safe to say that...

She took a deep breath.

I know things about you too...

I grinned like a Brit getting a flight out of Australia.

Of course you do my little plinky plonk. Now, can we get going to see the Queen, It wouldn't do to be late for her Majesty?

So, given what I know... Can I ask, oh darling of mine. This one favour? Can there be no... Incidents tonight?

My smile melted away like a Witch's eyes in a fire.

Incidents...

I pushed myself up close before she could pause to even blink. The smoke from my pipe curling up, wreathlike behind me.

Do you mean a quimmish thing? Or, perhaps... Something darker, my love?

My voice cooed softly in her ear and I felt her quiver beneath me.

Something darker.

She whispered back.

I stepped back, opening a small gap between us. A forgiving smile decorating my face once more.

Madame Fenniwig. I can promise you this. On my very honour, on the Gentleman's code no less, I swear. There shall be no incidents on the night I visit the Queen herself.

She gave me an odd look, before allowing herself a small smile.

Thank you Boomy. That means more to me than you could know.

She took my hand again and dragged me around a street corner into the main thoroughfare. Before us, were crowds of people milling about a... Cinema?

By all the knob-cheese in China, what the hell is going on here?

I snapped.

Miss Fenniwig pointed upward to a giant movie poster. On it was emblazoned

Bohemian Rhapsody - The story of the legendary Queen vocalist, Freddie Mercury.

I made a small noise like a puppy boiling in a kettle.

Oh for fuck sake. The cinema? Give me the Brandy, Miss Fenniwig.

She smiled radiantly and fetched the brandy out from her bag. We went in, her giggling excitedly about how she had been dying for this movie to be released.

The theatre was just about full. we took our seats and the movie started.

About ten minutes in I was soundly bored. The movie seemed to be centred around a man with a moustache who wore a vest and shouted lots. I couldn't see the appeal, surely this was just what your average peon experienced at home on a Friday night?

I lit my pipe and took a good gulp of Jaded Garden.

A fellow in front of me with a face like pickled feet turned around and hissed loudly.

You can't fucking smoke in a cinema? It's against the fucking law?!

I ignored him and carried on with the pipe. He was not alone however. Other people started to turn and make a fuss also. This was most tiresome. First no Queen and now no pipe? Quite unacceptable. I apologised to Miss Fenniwig and excused myself to go to the toilets, I picked up the bottle of Brandy as I stood and took it with me.

In no time at all, I was back in my seat. Miss Fenniwig gave me a smile, her teeth flashing in the dark. I gave her a wolfish grin in return, reaching an arm around her shoulder and pulling her in close.

She gasped and jerked against me, one leg kicking out.

There was a cry from the other side of the hall.

Smoke!

FIRE!

Black smoke rapidly filled the air. Around us was bedlam as people stampeded for the exits.

I strode through the exit doors into the tumult outside. The emergency services were starting to arrive and people were being herded away from the building to safety.

Flames were beginning to lick up the outside of the building now and fire trucks were rolling up in force.

I carried on walking.

A concerned looking fellow approached me.

Sir, are you hurt, is that blood? Are you bleeding?

I dabbed a hand at my wet shirt-front before waving him off.

Sir, sir? Where are you going?

I ignored him and continued to walk, alone, into the night.

Where was I going?

I couldn't say. After all...