Thursdays With Uncle Boom #40

I took a long puff of my pipe and winced as the bandages pulled tight around my abdomen.

So, Georgie came storming into my parlour like a madman, shouting that he loved me and if we couldn't be together in life we would be together forever in death... The next thing I know he pulled a wicked looking dagger from nowhere and thrust it into me like a sailors tallywhacker into a goat.

I winced at the memory.

Across from me, shaking a rather bulbous head, was my new acquaintance, Acting Detective Superintendent Raif Falmerson. He seemed like a good chap despite having a face like a Welshman's elbow.

He must have been ridden by devils to do such a thing. Devils, I tell you!

Exclaimed the doughty Raif.

I nodded and took a swig of Mad Agnes, I rather doubted the man's intelligence but that was no matter. He was a gentleman and we were in the Club. Intelligence didn't matter much to a gentleman.

Raif knocked back his brandy and beckoned for another.

Go on then old bean. What happened next?

Well, I don't remember much after that. I think I fell to the floor. My maid came in and screamed. Georgie made to stick it in her too. Then my man Morris ran in. He snapped Georgie's neck like a twig in a desperate attempt to save us all.

Raif shook his head even more before spotting his freshly delivered brandy.

Leave the bottle you flaccid faced tit of a man.

He growled at the waiter.

The waiter went pale and clunked the bottle down.

I nodded in approval. I suspected that myself and Raif were destined to become firm friends in spite of his wispy woman's moustache.

And then I was in an ambulance, blood and shit everywhere. And that is that.

Well old bean. It seems to be an open and shut case. It's not the first time one of our own has went rogue and gone on a bit of a rampage. Of course, we always hush it up when it's just some bloody peasants but a gentleman?! Oh no. There is no hushing up such indecency.

Raif somehow managed to simultaneously nod and shake his head as if he were tied to a kangaroo.

He stood, gathering his coat and hat.

Very well then. I shall see you at the funeral no doubt, that is if you are going? It would be perfectly understandable if your wounds both physical and up here... He tapped his temple. might be too... raw?...

Oh I wouldn't miss it old fellow. Despite our friendship's ignominious end, we had some good times. When he wasn't out murdering random folk that is.

Good show. I will see you there. Oh... There is just one more thing?

I looked up at the Acting Detective Superintendent.

He stood a few paces away with a curious smile on his face. He looked me straight in the eye.

At least that is an end to the murders old bean, wouldn't you say?

Raif drawled with a lazy precision.

I carefully tapped some ash from my pipe into the ashtray.

Well one would assume so old fellow. After all, Georgie the Red, as I believe the gutter press are calling him is now no more.

Yes...No more... Do me a favour old bean?

Of course, my dear Raif. Name it?

Send his dear old mother a bloody ham or something?

I nodded solicitously.

A ham and the finest flowers. Of course.

Raif nodded again and made his way out the club.

I gazed at his departing back and made a hmm'ing noise to myself. I hoped I wouldn't have to be sending a ham to Raif's mother in the near future. That would be so terribly unfortunate...

So terribly unfortunate indeed.

I was interrupted in my musings by the waiter fellow.

Sir, there are some members of the gutter press outside. They asked me to ask you if you could spare them a moment for some questions?

I stuck a hand in my shirt and started tugging at the bandages below, pulling them out of my shirt like a cheap magician pulling his todger out at a Norwegian wedding.

What? No thank you. Tell them to bloody fuck off. In fact remind them that...

I pulled the last of the bandages out and dropped them to the floor, pristine and white. I stood and gave myself a bit of a shake.