The Cards

We arrived home late from our sojourn up in the frozen North. The good lady was a little quiet and introspective. It hadn't been the best visit. Her family is a large one and a great percentage of them are somewhat difficult.

As we dragged our stuff in from the car I asked if she was ok.

Well. if I had could have seen the future I wouldn't have bloody bothered going up.

I sympathised and bustled around to make her a cup of tea. Tea solves every ailment in the UK. As I watched the kettle boil her words played in my head.

If I could have seen the future...

It took me back a number of years. To when I was in my twenties. A slightly naive young lad gadding about the world. I had left Uni and gotten a job. The novelty of getting wages paid to me every month was still quite new.

It was a Saturday and I was going out for an early afternoon session of beer madness before going to a Metal gig. I had arrived in town a bit earlier than all my mates and I had half an hour to kill. Not one to sit in a pub playing with my podger, I walked around town for a bit to pass some time.

After a few minutes, I walked past a sign.

I stopped. Hmm. Should I have my fortune told? I checked my watch, plenty of time so sod it, why not!

I went inside the doorway where the sign was and wandered up a flight of stairs. A door had a handwritten sign.

Madam Maura - World Famous Psychic - in here.

The door pinged as I went in. I was in a small anteroom. It was empty with a few chairs dotted about. I was about to take one when another door opened and a slightly plump lady in lots of black flowing clothes stood there.

Are you here for a reading with Madame Maura?

She sounded quite breathy as if she was awfully horny or was having an asthma attack. I nodded. Suddenly feeling a little shy.

She made a pouty face and beckoned me into the inner sanctum.

I went in and sat where I was bid across a table. The lady in black wafted over to the other side.

Now love. Are you interested in a reading?

Erm yes.

She looked extremely satisfied as if she had known that this would be the case. She read out a list of prices. Some of them were mind-bogglingly expensive to a young man of my means.

I selected the cheapest one, a tarot reading.

She looked extremely disappointed. She pulled herself back from it though and pulled out a giant deck of cards. She then bade me choose what seemed like fucking hundreds of them.

She laid the ones I had chosen out in a cross shape, scattering some at random and started turning them over.

You have a girlfriend yes.

She looked at me knowingly.

Why, yes, yes I do.

Except I didn't. I totally did not have a girlfriend, I didn't really want to admit that to her though. Possibly because I was a young guy and she an older, exotic woman and I wanted to look all James Bond'y in the hope that she would suddenly just grab me and shag me to death.

The next ten minutes were a stramash of increasingly wrong assertions about my current situation and how it was going to pan out. Eventually, having learned that this girl, who didn't exist, was most likely the one and that we would have several children whilst being quite financially secure the session came to an end.

Despite it all being horseshit, I was slightly distressed at the sheer mundanity of it all. Where were the dark deeds? The blood and the intrigue?! Knife fights and rooftop chases!? Foolish Maura.

She smiled.

That will be fifteen pounds then my lovely.

Of course, of course.

I pulled out my shiny visa card.

Oooh, we don't take card love?

She made a squeee face as if her pee-pee was nipping a bit.

Oh, bugger. I didn't realise.

That's ok love. There is an ATM just downstairs. Just go get the cash and pop back up. That's no problem.

Phew, cool. No worries.

I got up and left to get the cash and thanked her profusely as I did for the sheer bilge she had spouted at me. I exited the building and squinted in the sunlight. There it was beside me. The ATM.

I looked at it, then I looked behind at the sign for Madame Maura. I looked at the ATM again. A sleekit snake of a smile formed on my face.

Ah fuck it, I headed away to the pub without going to the ATM. As I walked away, I couldn't help but think.

Didn't see that in the cards did ye love.