Dream State

I approached the cafe where I normally meet my mate Daz and his youngest child (so far) on a Monday morning. Every step was an effort and it seemed like the cafe was a shimmering mirage taunting me in the distance always dancing out of reach.

Eventually, though I arrived. I flumped down at the table he sat at and exhaled like an old shoe in a vacuum.

His child was awake and flapping about with a toy in her pram.

Mine was asleep and firmly strapped to my front. He had been asleep for the whole journey there.

Hey dude! Man, you look rough?

Wee bastard was up all night, screaming. Must be teeth, I am knackered. Fucking knackered. I can't think or anything. I'm a pure state.

I panted as if I had just masturbated a tough old bull into a cup.

Daz smiled, the pain au chocolat he had been eating staining his front teeth and making him look like a Libyan pirate.

Ah, it's murder eh! Still. It's a temporary thing.

I gave him a red-eyed look. It was not like him to be so positive. I am used to being the positive one whilst he drowns in a sea of negativity.

Aye, temporary. Only a year or so to go and then I will be back to my old self.

I muttered sulkily.

Don't get me wrong, mate. I feel for you. I ain't looking forward to the sleepless nights again.

Something tickled my brain. What did he mean, again? I knew his wife was pregnant but he had a baby the same age as my little boom. He should be in the same nick as me?

Was he seriously implying that he didn't suffer from the night wakenings? How could this be?

Doesn't Lorna wake up at night?

I said tentatively. Hoping against hope that he would say of course she does!

No mate, she has slept through since she was about nine months old. It's fucking magic actually.

---

Upon hearing this I threw my own child aside and surged up into an adrenalin-fuelled leap 20 foot into the air. Time slowed and as Daz gazed up in amazement I slammed down with both my mighty feet smearing his head into nothing but gritty paste on the ground.

---

Ooft, you are tired mate, you totally drifted off there.

Huh. Did I?

I looked about confusedly. The cafe owner caught my eye and I signalled for the usual coffee before turning back to what Daz was saying.

In fact, both our kids have been amazing sleepers. We have been blessed in that regard.

I gazed at him, in my head I thought of how long we had been friends. How many good times we had experienced together and how now I would have to kill him.

That's very lucky. I am... I am so happy for you.

He leaned forward, some errant pastry flakes falling from his chin as if he had been felating someone with bad eczema.

I tell you, if I don't get at least 8 or 9 hours straight through sleeping. I am a nightmare!

---

I slammed the knife from his pain au chocolate right into the centre of his forehead. Instead of plunging in, it scraped off to the side exposing a section of bloody chrome.

Daz leapt backward and grabbed his child. He tore her skin off to expose a sleek and powerful looking gun. Aha. He was never a parent at all.

Just some future cyborg sent into the past to taunt me. I rolled to the side to avoid the heavy, booming gunfire coming from his gun-that-once-was-a-child and pulled my left leg off. It was also a gun. We ducked and dived (I hopped) and exchanged shots at one another. Finally, I plugged him with a lucky shot to the head.

But a wise man once told me we make our own luck...

---

Fuck, you were away again. I had to move your coffee. I thought you were going to fall asleep in it!

Yeah, I don't think I have been this bad in a while.

I started drinking my coffee, it seemed to help.

You get up to much at the weekend?

Said Daz noticing the current conversation wasn't going well.

I went to Dundee yesterday.

I said mournfully.

Fuck.

Daz shook his head.

You poor bastard.

I stirred my coffee.

I know, I can still smell it.

We sat back and mused over the shitness of Dundee and of sleepless babies.

Don't worry mucker, one day... One day, we will be King's again, eh!

I smiled desperately.

Aye mate. One day...