B Day??

That's right. Today is the day. The day the baby is meant to fall to earth.

I left for work after suspiciously patting the good lady's tummy and asking her for the tenteenth time if she was absolutely certain nothing was happening. She rather forcefully confirmed that indeed, nothing was happening.

It looked like today was going to be a long day of the waiting. The good lady had an appointment with the midwife in the morning. Apparently they are going to check her cervix to see if it's ready.

Always keen to appear ever knowledgeable I nodded wisely at this then waited till I was on the train before googling it on my phone.

I think the retching noises I made disturbed the other passengers somewhat. No matter, what did they know? Myself and the good lady were quite obviously the only people in the world to have ever gone through childbirth before.

After I stopped with the boak-ing noise I saw an incoming call from the good lady on my phone. Holy flip! So soon? I had only just left. I answered it quickly.

Hello lass. Has the eagle landed?

What on earth are you talking about? Can you bring in some milk after work?

Milk?

I took a moment to digest this.

Milk? You mean you aren't calling to advise that the rabbit is coming out of the hat?

No darling, relax. Nothing is happening.

Hmm. I wasn't convinced. Once again I hoped that this whole pregnancy thing wasn't an elaborate ruse she had been carrying out for months in order to have her neck massaged and feet rubbed all the time.

I trotted into work, my shoulders bowed. A random woman stopped me in the corridor.

Oh my goodness! Today is the day! You must be so excited!

Oh yes, like a Panda in a pipe.

There, I walked on past as she tried to figure that one out.

The day eked out slowly. I tried to relax and go with the flow but it wasn't happening. Various people came up and congratulated me for my as yet unborn baby. I smiled but in my head I sneered.

Oh yes, I am amazing. I have fertile jizzums.

It was quite out of character for me to be so ungracious. I think the stress was starting to show. And then in the afternoon it came.

I hurriedly fumbled at my phone.

Hello?

My voice wobbled. A serious voice replied.

Is that Mr Boom?

Yes, is that the hospital, is my wife there?

Mr Boom, we are calling about the automobile accident you were in?

Eh, I wasn't in a... Oh fuckity baws. Get off the fucking phone you knob! I am waiting for a real phone call.

Mr Boom, we have infor...

Bite ma banger!

A rather quaint Glasgow term. A banger is a euphemism for a sausage and when I say sausage I mean penis. I think you can figure out the rest from there.

I hung up.

My vigil goes on.