A Nice Hug

Look at the state of yer? You fall in the Sea?

I growled at the Bear-Man and made a noise as if farting into a very small bag.

No, it's pissing down outside, in case you hadn't noticed?

I jerked my head annoyedly at the outside of the Bear-Man's fine emporium.

Outside it was wetter than the bahjeen of a Whale who had heard that Gordon Ramsay was cooking up some squid in her kitchen.

Aye, it's a bit minging. Still, you've got a right face on ya?

I attempted to smile at the Bear-Man but my face refused to play ball and stayed resolutely glowery.

I just came back from seeing the in-laws in Dundee. It was pissing down the whole way and there were traffic jams everywhere. I feel a bit tense.

I said through gritted teeth.

I looked around the Beer Shop hoping there would be a mangy cur to kick. There wasn't. Dammit. Not that I was sure what a mangy cur was anyway. A hyena? A dog? A scary tentacled testicle?

Oh aye, Dundee... I've heard it's shit?

The Bear-Man nodded and stroked his beard thoughtfully.

I nodded too.

Aye, it's shit. It's well shit. It's like a big bag of shit that someone keeps shitting into. I hate it.

I said with feeling. Visions of the locals with their rubbery faces and rubbery accents flitting through my head.

The Bear-Man nodded again.

I get ya. I get ya. I think I know what you need.

He smiled a strange smile. A smile that said he had opened my locker in work and found what I had hidden there.

And what would that be then?

I said suspiciously.

I hoped he wasn't going to suggest a game of hide the purple monkey.

The Bear-Man held his hands wide.

I think you need a Bear Hug.

I froze in horror as if I was wearing a necklace made of Donkey's penises and had just realised that one of them was still slightly alive.

*Did the Bear-Man know I called him the Bear-Man on Steemit? Was this why he was offering a "Bear Hug?" Was this a twisted game and he was now readying himself to kill me for some of the things I had been saying?

Was I about to die?

Well, if I was about to die I would do it with dignity.

Um, a bear hug? Erm, ok then?

Wincing, I held my hands out loosely to the sides.

Wahahahahah!! Not a fooking hug!!! A beer!! Look!

The Bear-Man was creasing over with laughter, holding out a can of beer that had a picture of a Bear and the words Bear Hug emblazoned below it.

I coughed as if to expel my un-mannity.

Ah, A beer! Aye, hand it over then.