Money, Medication and Modafinil

I am a lot of things.

I'm a single mom, I'm a freelancer, I'm dirt poor and dead tired. I mean really tired. As far back as I can remember I have always needed more sleep than usual. I've always chalked this up to being plain lazy, but after a great transformation a few years ago of weight loss, mental healthcare, and proper nutrition I still found myself an exhausted grump even after 8 solid hours. I had more energy during the time I was up, no problem. But when bedtime happened I've still needed 10+ hours to feel rested at all.

This was a challenge for my mom, who in Middle School tried everything to get me up in time in time for class. She tried high octane caffeine, yelling, pleading, she even poured water on me but despite it all some days I could barely lift my head from the pillow. She had no choice but to leave for work without me and let me sleep straight on into the afternoon.

Blood tests have shown I'm not diabetic, nor am I anemic. So the mystery of why I'm laid out in the middle of the afternoon after a full nights sleep still persists.

Some doctors have suggested that my PTSD played a big part in this sleepiness. That nightmares and anxious sleeping gives me poor quality sleep, meaning I need more. So I tried sleeping medication to help my quality of sleep. Melatonin, Unisom, Xanax, Ambien, Clonidine, etc. They made me sleep all right- hard. But inevitably my morning were a foggy mess that left me just as useless as if I were tired.

Others suggest ADHD as the cause of my exhaustion. This led me to a new conclusion. Maybe what I needed wasn't a sedative. Maybe what I need is a stimulant. I had never considered this before. I've always considered stimulants to be dangerous with a high risk of addiction and abuse. I don't want to get mixed up with anything so intense. But at this point I'm happy to try anything that might boost my energy. I literally can't afford to sleep as much as I do.

Unfortunately, I also can't afford the solution, either. I was prescribed a medication by my doctor called Provigil, generic name: Modafinil. Reading about it's effects left me feeling hopeful and excited. Could this be something that really works? Would I be able to wake up like a normal person, get out of bed and start the day? All without the addictive side effects of Adderall or Ritalin? Unfortunately I probably will never know.

My heart sank when the pharmacy tech said the words, "Prior Authorization". I realized how naive it was to think my cruddy state insurance was ever going to pay for a $600 a month prescription. Not when I could potentially take a highly addictive amphetamine like Adderall which would be much cheaper for them, regardless of what it did to me.

The infinitely infuriating thing about it is that it doesn't need to be this way. The Pharmaceutical industry in the U.S. is so unbelievably screwed up in comparison to countries Americans boast we're superior to. So rich CEOs get to abuse their drug of choice, what's a $600 prescription to them? Meanwhile here I am, struggling to be awake 12 hours a day when the amount I work actually makes a huge difference to my quality of life.

That's just much crap.