I’ve put this post off because it's really hard. Then I had trouble posting and didn’t have time to figure it out. So here goes...

I have been keeping these things to myself for too long.
I don’t sleep well and its dragging me down.

John moved us out of California. I know he was freaked out and didn’t know what to do, but In thirteen years I still hate living in Tucson. (I’m working on it)

It’s true. He must have been so freaked out.
I had left him. This was our 4th separation and I was done. I had moved into my friends house which was basically across the alley. They went to Hawaii for vacation and I was there is their house with their kids and my kids (teens) coming and going.
At one point I went to Main Street in Huntington, where I used to love Perq’s and the bands that would play there and people I knew. I had apparently started to date a guy.
I ended up with him on his motorcycle that night.
I was wearing capris and a halter top and sandals on my feet. I was drunk. Had I been in my right mind I would never have gotten on a bike dressed like that. I wish he had been the type of man who would have called me a cab rather than put me on his bike’ in that condition, because he wrecked it!
This was September 19th, 2004 in the middle of the night.
John was still my emergency contact and came to me in the hospital after he was called by the chaplain. He was there every day after.

I was brought in combative and with a traumatic brain injury.
I was put into a coma for two days so the swelling in my brain would stop.
When I was pulled out of the coma, for about four weeks, I was awake talking and interacting but I have no memory of it.

The skin on several of my knuckles was street-scraped away…I was told that I thought it was tattooed and ask how it looked…do you like it?
I thought I was a river, my arm reached upward turning into a tree. I had visions of being in a brick castle type place with water and a very confusing dark tunnel-like maze. At one point I thought I was on a boat. I asked about being on an “Asian boat”. I was probably thinking of the curtains surrounding my hospital bed as Asian screens and my nurse was Asian! (giggles) I was told my nurse got a laugh out of that. It’s actually really weird to be told you said things that make no sense and aren’t anything you’d normally think or say. LOL!

My head was full of weird thoughts and then one day, I became more aware of myself.
I got up out of my bed with the intention of going to the bathroom…I had no idea I was hurt and I fell to the floor straight down on my butt.
My pelvic bone broken so the pain was excruciating.
Nurses came to my aid and it took three of them to help my 5’ 11” self up off the floor.
John was notified and apparently gave them hell for not having me secured.
Shortly after I was re-ex rayed to see if I was further damaged (I was not) and rails were raised on my bed.
That day, John explained I had been there for 5 weeks. I had been in a motorcycle accident.
I didn’t believe him. I was extremely confused. He finally convinced me of the time that had past by telling me to look under my arms at the hair growth. I lived at the beach! I knew it was true now. It explained the pain. But I was seriously messed up in the head.
Everyone after that, who I saw again was familiar to me but I had no idea that I felt anything for them. Even my own children! I had no feelings!!
It changed over time and now I feel everything to extremes. But at that point I it was like the lights were on but inside the house was complete chaos and made no sense.

The last week in the hospital, what I remember

I was in some initial therapy both on a computer, doing simple cognitive exercises and then also physical movements on a raised mat. This is when the hemiparesis started to show in my left leg from nerve damage. (just my left leg, I’m so lucky) To this day my leg from the hip down is numb. It’s hard to walk but I’ve adjusted. I remember feeling really dumb. I didn’t understand a lot of things and I didn’t understand why yet. I didn’t understand that I had been in a coma and had a traumatic brain injury.

While I was laying in a hospital bed for the 5 weeks prior to my awakening…no one brushed my waste length hair. It was now in a giant knotted mound in the back of my head. It was awful!! I kept asking who did this to me? Why is my hair like this. At one point I don’t know if it was a small beauty salon near the hospital or just another room there, but two women tried and failed to brush it out. Later it would have to be cut out and restyled. I was very upset about that. Ive had waste length hair most of my adult life. I like my hair.

Then finally, I remember a meeting with several doctors and it was determined I could go home. Then John told me he knew why this all had happened. He said that he hadn’t taken care of me. Im pretty sure he said he was going to do differently now. Or something like that. I just remember the conversation. I believe he was leaning in the direction that there would be a law suit and I would be taken care of. I knew things were strange with us but I didn’t remember we were separated again, so I accepted everything he said or did.
To clarify...i fell in love with John when I was 19. He was at one point, my everything.

So the day came in November, to leave the hospital. I had no idea where I was going. I had no memory of where I lived. I had no memory of moving out and the separation. It came flooding back me like a wave when we pulled up in front of the house.

We went to Apple Valley for thanksgiving with Joe, Heidi and Tina. I remember having trouble walking. I had a walker. I wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital until I could use it successfully.
** This time s full of memory holes! **
I was in my bed a lot of the time. I was in a lot of pain. The worst headaches you could imagine. I’ve never had migraines but I think probably similar or worse. The pain alone made me nauseous and dry heave (I was barely eating). I didn’t see any of my friends. Later I learned that John told everyone that I said I didn’t want to see anyone. I don’t remember ever saying that, but since I don’t remember much I have no idea.
I had one appointment to my first therapy. I remember where it was on Beach Blvd not far from where we lived. They talked about how they would help me get better at dealing with my injuries.
I can’t remember much of what happened for Christmas that year except that my youngest son has a friend and his parents bought us a tree and brought it over. I didn’t help decorate it. (definitely not my normal) I have a vague memory of my mom and her boyfriend and few others in the house on or around Christmas.

I started to have post traumatic seizures.
They were petite seizures but even those are not fun.

By January or February we were all in Tucson.

Turns out I just killed my career. And he spent every day in the hospital and killed his job.
So he found one in Tucson. He was a machinist.
Him and our three boys packed us up and we moved from Huntington Beach, California into a house in Sahuarita, just 30 miles south of Tucson.
What I remember here is how hard it was for my boys. Someone said a few times how the fucking desert sucks so bad.
No more boogie boarding at the beach. It was freaking hot as hell here and nothing to do. We didn’t know anyone. And everyone was taking care of me now. My two oldest sons became my care-givers. I have felt so guilty for years that i put them though that…right out of high school. But for a time, I had to have help with meals, with getting in and out of the shower so I wouldn’t fall. (We came up with all kinds of creative ways so my poor sons didn’t have to see their mom naked.)

I tried to embrace the desert. I traded my decor of blue ocean inspired colors and dolphins or sea turtles for cactus and Indian designs. I was dealing with my pain and having seizures periodically.
I became aware that I wasn’t having any therapy. I talked about it. I asked. John told me …these are the cards you’ve been dealt. He arranged for me to get a power chair. When it came and I started using it. I remember having a moment in the bathtub. I was hitting my numb leg and balling my eyes out! I just couldn’t accept this. My life is over? I’ll never work again? I can drive I can’t think what the hell is going to happen? Ahhhh!

Little by little I was becoming more aware of myself and everything. The ramifications of what had happened and where I was. And during this time John was in contact with the lawyer in California.
Here’s how my case went.
Whatever settlement or injury amount there was…would be going to the hospital? (We had insurance for that I thought.)
I was left with $10,000.00. That’s it. Guy puts me on his motorcycle drunk, wrecks it, almost kills me and I got $10k. But I was supposed to feel better knowing that the guy lost his house and his 30 year job at Boeing. Hmm…it didn’t make me feel better at all.

At that time I just accepted most things I was told. When john took me to the bank to sign for this I just did what he told me. I signed away my life for 10k. At one point I had the soundness of mind to ask him to put $2000 in an IRA. I don’t even know things of the financial nature but knew I wouldn’t be having another large sum of money for who knows how long. But that never happened. And over the next several months we bought things like furniture and new pot & pans and a puppy. That money was basically spent on nonsense. Except that last of it was used to put John thru school. He had decided to leave his machinist job and get into the medical field. (he’s now a would-care nurse.)

In these years since, Ive wished so many things. I wish he would have fought for me and all of us. I wish he would have fired that lawyer and found someone to fight for me instead of accepting 10k. I was disabled. I lost my career and income. I lost my ability to drive a car. I lost the ability to walk fully. (I’m walking great now but it took several years to get here. (by myself)
I wish he would have gotten me into therapy instead of offering me nothing but …sit here in a power chair! Maybe I could have been better sooner.
Maybe I could have learned to deal with how I am now better instead of being alone dealing with it for thirteen years.
He had me back. I understand he was freaked out and it was hell but at least Tucson gave us a place to go and try to start again. So why didn’t he take care of me like he said he would? He could have won me back. But he missed doctor appointments, didn’t get me in therapy and stuck me in a power chair because “these are the cards I was dealt”.

Now I’m in Tucson 13 years later. So much has happened and not happened in all of this time. I’ve lived at EIGHTEEN different address in the last thirteen years. One year I lived in San Diego at three different places.

Now I live with our middle son Steve and his girlfriend. John lives alone.

I feel like a failure at life sometimes and I feel kind of immature. I’ve missed out on a lot and done a lot of surviving. But one thing I’ve learned is I’m not the only one with a story. I’ve been touched by so many people online in my effort to reach out. I have found that a lot of people have made bad choices too and are now recovering in one way or another. Having this TBI has made all of my bad memories and choices stick out front, in my thoughts. It sucks.

I’ve been holding on to all of this inside my head for so long.
I’ve STILL been agonizing over the loss of my family. I still miss the beach more and more every year.
I have agonized about John and what this all did to him too. (he is not healthy and drank himself that way)
But I’m never ever going to be his wife again. Even thought I still see him all the time and he works on me. He’s always reminiscing and acting like we have this wonderful past to talk about. He always wants me back. I know this. But every time I do see him it takes me about an hour to remember why I don’t want to be his wife anymore.
I’m not divorced. I’ve been totally alone now for over 5 years. Its time to file. I wish it was free.

I’ve realized that my boys still love me. They don’t need me the same anymore, but I have a good relationship with them. They know I’m honest and they can ask or tell me anything. I did something right because they all three turned out to be young men I couldn’t be prouder of.
So its time to let go and focus on me and let them be who they are. For the first time in my life all I have to really be concerned about is me. I’ve spent a lot of this time alone. I’d really like that to change that.
I have enough money every month to pay my bills and that’s it. But work is getting better…or more. Its hard but I do as much as I can.

So, I just have to keep going and find the best way to do THIS me, all on my own for the rest of my time on this earth.

Thanks for reading...it's good to get that out. I haven't said these things out loud to anyone.

I’m going to find more time for Steemit...but I haven't perfected posting anywhere but from my computer yet. And when I'm here I'm usually busy trying to work. I got a new client recently.

Oh and have a lovely day or evening where ever you are.