These labels used to define me. Diabetic, Morbidly Obease, Steditary Life Style, Major Depression Disorder, Chemically Dependent and In Cronic Pain just to name a few

Small disclaimer can't type, can't spell, can't write. Well, I'm back for my free therapeutic value. In my last posts I been telling you a little about my life the last ten or so years. This looking back at my choices, the things that have happened. It's really hard to do. But if you have been following along my story does get better.

So as I was saying, ten yrs of pain, chemical dependency, over 33 clinical conditions. The pain I inflicted on the people I care about and care about me. The lost time and experiences. The downward spiral that left me contemplating suicide. On October 17th, 2017 when I went to my Doctors appointment expecting a new 3 -month supply of pain meds and instead got cut off cold turkey. That day is where my New Life started. That day leaving the Doctors office in shock and overwhelmed with fear, anxiety. The dropkick I didn't expect had happened. And I will say that my Doctor should have had a support system in place before his drastic action. As I have seen on TV and read in various articles in the last 2 months primary "care" Doctors are cutting off patients all over this country unexpectedly because of the "OPIOID" crisis and really the new political climate led by ignorant knee-jerking politicians. A vast majority have done nothing but follow their Dr. recommendations aren't selling their meds. And are desperate! A LOT of these people are choosing to die rather than face the lifelong pain. The system isn't designed to fix us just keep us paying to come back! (Just would like to add this"OPIOiD CRISIS" wasn't a crisis until white suburbia kids started to die). I'm not pro-medication, I am pro Doctor responsibility! On Oct. 17th I too was faced with this decision. To say fuck it and die. Or to fight to live a meaning full life despite the pain, the fear, the overwhelming task ahead. Mind you without my primary "caregiver" even calling me once to check in on me. My life the lives of my family hung in the balance. I'm 43yrs old and have been a father of three, and a husband since I was 18. Checking out forever did seem like an option. Truthfully I almost didn't make the 15-minute drive home that day. When I got home no one was there. Just my dogs and I. I knew I had a choice. One only I could make. Was it divine intervention? Or maybe the meds hadn't yet taken away my will to survive completely. Not sure. But deep inside me, a realization was beginning. One that over the next 8 days of severe withdrawals made its way to the top of my mind. First came the anger. Again having my mind and emotions heavily clouded for ten years these feelings where hyperintense. I wasn't paralyzed anymore from the meds. I felt extreme rage. Betrayed by all the doctors I trusted, betrayed by my own mind and choices along the way. Here I was at a stepping point. Do I step off? Or do I step up? Keep in mind every morning I wake to a startled sharp stabbing pain. That may never go away, I have made peace with that. Needless to say, I chose to step up! I have harnessed that rage. Now that I am free of mind-altering substances I actually can make relatively good decisions (don't ask my wife what she thinks about that lol). Today I find myself listening to my body. It gives me some warning signs to take action as it relates to my pain cycle. By action, I mean as opposed to just taking a pill and hoping things got better, today I choose to exercise. I found that while I am very limited in what I can do, I CAN do something! Every day since I have been off the meds I swim. It eases the impact om my spinal problems and allows my mussels to work. My body is naturally creating endorphins that mitigate some of the pain. I have begun to change my deplorable eating habits. Today I juice. I am actively choosing a meal at a time, to improve the food I eat. This alone has increased my energy level beyond anything that I had in the last ten years. This also carries over I believe into how my brain has begun to fire up. My mood has elevated to levels I haven't felt since I was young and dumb! As it stands now in just over a month I've lost 30lbs. That has reduced stress on my back and other problem areas where the pain had kept me inactive. Besides stopping the pain meds I should also tell you I have stopped taking three different antidepressants, my Type 2 diabetes meds, I've quit 9 medications in the last month. I am NOT saying to anyone to follow what I have done. My Doctors have all advised me to keep taking them. But for the last ten years, they also told me to take the pain meds. So I monitor my blood sugar like before multiple times a day. But with the exercise and healthy food choices, my blood sugar levels have improved. Who knew? Anyway, I have closed a very dark and scary chapter in my life for me and those that love and depend on me. I sit here grateful for a NEW BEGINNING! Please if anything I shared so far relates to you, know that while you still breathe. You can change your circumstances and improve your life. Today as I sit here and bear my soul to the world I feel optimistic about tomorrow. I have begun to address areas of my life that took a back seat to the meds and pain for so long. I am self-employed and have been since I was 17yrs old. Today I look forward to improving my business and bettering my finances. Today I reach out daily to my grown kids just to tell them I love them and ask what and how they are doing (although the first time I did that. It spread panic and they all thought I was about to check out) that's how bad things had become. Today I am here physically and emotionally for my wife. Which is a big change for her and I. And have begun to try a heal the damage that I have done to her and us. More to come on that issue I am well aware of now. And will share with you all out there in Steemit land. Anyway, I must go for now as my SEAHAWKS are playing and I'm not watching!

More to follow as this free therapy does have some value. Maybe just for me but that's cool too.
Again apologize for not understanding this writing format I will try to address that too. May you find your positive journey as I have. Until next time...