Why trying to force change never works. Let go of that damn control!

I was talking to a friend earlier about how people in life are far too focused on trying to change the way things are to better their situation, when they should be looking at how things are, and adjust their perspective and attitude to better work with the situation that they are in.

If we examine my past life you'll see a plethora of fuck ups and losing control of seemingly simple situations. Take me as an older teen for example. My Dad was heavily involved in my life. But it was a very negative and emotionally hurtful involvement where it would always end up in me leaving abruptly or slamming the phone down on him. I spent no end of hours worrying, complaining to Mum, friends and anyone else that would listen to how I just wanted a Dad that would love me for me. I even went out of my way to constantly please him so that in some miraculous life discovery he would notice his son and be the man he always should have been.

This caused me no end of heartache. Imagine the drunken nights we had together fuelled with anger and love and shouty arguments which constantly left onlookers shocked. We both liked our alcohol so it caused some intensely heated arguments. Yeah, life with Dad wasn't really great.

And it was partly my fault because I was always trying to 'change' him.

What about if I had taken a step back and thought to myself,

Ok. This is how Dad is and this is the way he will always be unless something miraculous happens. I'll just accept that as life and get on with it working towards a better future. There would have been far less arguments, far less heated debates. He wouldn't have consumed most of time. Yeah, life would have been a lot better.

Example?

Instead of being up all night angry that Dad was prioritising his friends over me, I would sleep soundly knowing that 'it's the way it is, and I can't change that'. A simple example, but effective.

And that's where I fall back again onto perspective. I didn't change anything about my Dad. I only changed the way I perceived him. Which in turn helped me deal with his bullshit a lot easier. It did get easier in the end, and I learned how to work with a situation that presented itself to me, rather than always trying to change my predicament. I had accepted him for that man that he was, rather than constantly pushing against the grain of his mentality.

And there are elements of control in here too. We as humans want to control the mini world that we live in, the mini environment we make around us. And, when something changes, big or small then we tend to lose control a bit. It's an awkward feeling for some when it feels like you are a pawn in a larger game of cat and mouse. And that's when we tend to lose our shit. Some sink, others swim.

A great example of losing control was when I was being bullied at work. I had absolutely no control over these people, and obviously they saw me as some sort of threat, but I could not control my situation whatsoever. Perhaps if I took steps to deal with my situation as it happened, tell my boss, a trusted colleague and so on and accept the situation for what it was, rather than sort it myself, and try and hold all the cards then it wouldn't have been as bad.

In fact, you just can't control people at all. I can try and manipulate thinking through carefully strategised influence, yet ultimately the decision would be in your hands. You decide whether you can say, fuck you arsehole! Or, yeah, man, I love that idea. You hold all the chips to your life.

And in the words of Morgan Freeman, like I've said plenty of times before:

Get busy livin', or get busy dying.

And The Shawshank Redemption, although largely fictional and untrue is a great example how one man makes the best of his life through 'thinking positively'.

So in my mind it is better to 'accept' that change will happen and work with the possibilities of working with or overcoming your circumstances rather then get wrapped up in 'how it used to be' or 'how it never will be' - two entirely negative and unproductive mindsets.

Live for the moment, and make the best of your life.

Be well folks!

@lifeisawesome