Gather round for lifeisawesome's guide to relationships

Preface

A lot of people forget to begin with the rule, 'make sure that you are ready to begin a relationship'

What do I mean by that? Well, to truly flourish and prosper with another person you have to make sure that the time is right for you. Analyse your life a little. Are you comfortable with yourself? Or do you desperately feel the need for someone else in your life to complete the circle?

I hate to break it to you, but the worlds worst thing a person can do is walk into a relationship thinking the other person will make life all better. Hell, whatever happened to sorting things out? The last thing you want to end up doing is making another person feel as if they are accountable for you, because that shit is just needy.

Women smell needy a mile off. Probably why you haven't had much luck.

MEN even smell needy a mile off, and we're like the worlds worst at knowing shit.

A really good tip would be to seek out a good counsellor, start a few hobbies, meet new people and start doing things for yourself. None of this doing things for other people. We often forget that the most important person in the relationship is yourself, because if you can't look after yourself properly how are you going to be able to help anyone else, right?

Start doing things for you, be a little selfish, embrace that you are an important person.

Anyway

Seeking out a suitor

When you feel the time is right then perhaps it's time to join some dating websites, go to where people generally hook up and spread the love, meet new people, get to know others. I often say the best people come around when you aren't searching, they often sweep by and knock us off our feet when we aren't looking. Bam, oh, hello!

The trick with finding suitable partners to date, or so I've found, is to not go in with that sort of mindset. Be yourself, have a laugh, enjoy your time spent wherever you are. In time you'll get to know people and you'll soon know the people that are fairly interesting. That's unless you go all out and use Tinder or some other form of dating app.

The Dating Game

A great quote from the film 'Hitch' and I love it because it's so true, is this

"Remember, she already likes you, because she's on a date with you. So you're not there to get her to like you, you're there to not fuck it up" - or something to that effect

Both of you are there because there's a distinct similarity between each other. You wouldn't be there otherwise, so essentially the first post has been smashed - getting to that all important first date. The next is how to dress, act and behave around others.

Men

I've read SO many dating guru's in my days of trying to get something actually right with women, and, most of them were dead wrong about everything. Their advice was general, and I'm not general. Neither is she. What we tend to forget is that a date is between two people that are trying to figure out if either are compatible. Think of it as a job interview, whilst I'm there to impress them, they also have to impress me too. If I'm not impressed then there's no next level.

Think of your dress-wear as however you'd like it to be. Dress accordingly and appropriately, and however you feel comfortable. So if you're going to an Opera and you hate even the idea of an Opera, shouldn't you have mentioned this before?

Just make sure you're smart. No dressing shabbily, I once made the mistake of dressing almost like a tramp on one of my dates because my clothes were in the wash and I didn't manage any fresh clothes - hard for me to write that, I'm still embarrassed of that mistake today.

Be yourself. I've said this so many times I'm probably blue in the face from shouting it by now. Women can smell a fake a mile away, so don't go telling her about your flash new sports car if it's a cheap banger or lead her into thinking that you're a millionaire when in fact you claim benefits.

Always be nice to animals, kids, and other people when she's around. Don't be a cunt. Seriously, just don't. I've made the mistake of trying to impress a lady once by shaming the waiting staff for our bad order and it's safe to say there was no more for me. She was out that door faster than a speeding bullet. Your actions around her towards other people will reflect how she thinks she will be treated. Be nice! Treat others how you yourself would like to be treated, I keep saying that.

Yes, I know, you're probably already wondering what her thighs feel like wrapped around your bum, just no. Ok? Go into it expecting nothing. Women don't see dates like their first chance to get some nookie. If women thought like men there just wouldn't be any dates - it'd be straight to the bedroom. Actually, come to think about it there would be no conversation, only sex and grunts! Haha.

Anyways, sidetracked.

I spent about a month trying to woo the Mrs into the bedroom. She was damn hard work, but for a woman, or at least one that isn't just looking at you as a quick fuck, then she's going to want to know you a little better before she gives you that golden harp. She just will. And actually a lot of women get frustrated on dates when all they want to do is talk and get to know a guy better, but all he wants to do is have sex, and it can come across as being pervy, or just downright seedy.

I know, you want sex, but good thing comes to those that wait. Sex is a BIG deal for women, respect that. Respect her. Let her get to know you, and get to know her. Chances are the attraction will be so magnetic that events will just transpire anyway.

Or not.

But then at least you know it wasn't to be.

Did I mention not to get too hung up on sex? Yeah man, that. Don't.

Most importantly be your damn self. If you like playing with the big legos that 4 year olds play with then you know, that's fine, perhaps she may even find that super cute. Before my Mrs and I lived with each other I always hated the fact that she'd have tidied my house and I'd forget where everything was, and I'd have to ring her up in a desperate panic asking her where 'whatever' was. She found that super cute. I was always embarrassed.

Be yourself.

Women

Depending what signals you want to give the guy that you're dating, dress accordingly. Us guys are super duper visually orientated, and we'll view you as how we see you. I hear women all over the world say, "I'll dress the way I want to" and that's absolutely fine, I totally respect that, but, if you want him to be viewing you as a chunk of meat to have his wicked way with then dress alluringly. I mean no offence by this of course because some women just want to have a night of fun, and what's wrong with that, right? But really, don't be looking to get any decent discussion out of him. Already the blood will be billowing out of his end, and there will be very little, or any left for thought process. Speaking from experience here.

We're not hard us guys, on dates we'll often talk about our Family, jobs, our earning power and social worth and so on. For men it's all about the ego. I've heard people describe it before as 'the super fragile male ego' and it's the truth. If you are really interested in the guy you are dating then stroke that ego like you were giving it a hand job. If he's telling you a sad story, emphasise with him, touch his hand, give him a sad face. If he's proud of something, act like, 'wooow, that's amazing' - but you know, there needs to be genuinity there or you really must question yourself why you're dating him in the first place. If you find yourself faking all of that. Ask yourself why?

Don't give us sex too soon, please. Not if you're really looking at a long term relationship with us. Even the guys that say they don't like the chase, like a bit of chase. If you hand it to him on a plate without much effort on his behalf then he's never going to respect you. Make that brute work for his nookie. He needs to prove that he's a man worth having a long term relationship with before he EVER gets near your throne room.

Make sure he has something to occupy himself with. If he's always available question why. The last thing you want is for a man to become obsessed. Like the only important thing that he has in his life right now is being in your presence. That's bad for relationships. Make sure he has plenty of things to keep him occupied whilst you are off doing your own thing!

Jesus, I know since you met him you've been thinking about kids and marriage and 2.4 children and happily ever after and brides and god knows what else, but NEVER mention it to him until you guys are stable. Trust me, at the dating stage the farthest he's got is wondering what you're like in bed

Long Term / Marriage / Happily ever after

So.

You've reached this stage? Well done, you've proven yourself worthy of each other. But now isn't the time to kick off those boots, grow a beard, get fat and stop washing. A relationship between a man and a woman needs constant nurture. Don't get too complacent or you might find yourself at the wrong end of a divorce order. I am trying to find new ways to please and inspire my wife constantly. I tell her I love her daily, and if she complains I sit and listen to her and ask her what would she like me to do better.

It never ends. Listen to her, protect her and look out for her. A big big thing in our relationship is trust between both of us. She knows everything about me, everything. She can destroy me if she wanted to but she chooses to support me instead. And vice versa.

And communication. Boy, is that a big one. If you're unhappy, tell her or him. Don't go blabbing about it to your mates or opposite sex friends down the pub. The last thing they'll appreciate is second hand information. If you want to survive as a couple then sometimes these difficult discussions need to be had and by striving for a solution it makes you both all the more stronger.

And last but not least stay away from infidelity. If this happens then there's no chance that you had the feelings you pretend. No way. Do them the honour of splitting up with them first before the idea crops into your head. And fucking communicate. Chances are it's something between both of you that hasn't been right for a while and by communicating your feelings a solution may be found. I'm always a hoper :)

And that's it for now. I might write something about having children later, I'm unsure.

Be well, peeps,

@lifeisawesome