Could Really Use Your Thoughts and Prayers Today

It's July again. And once again I am in the depths of despair. I can't shake the sadness of this time of year. I am trying to focus on the positive. I have a lot to be happy about. My beautiful daughter just had her birthday on the 4th. We are in our new house. My family is happy and joyful. My wife and I are closer than ever.

I told myself I was going to do better this year. I just can't shake the memories of this time of year. The smell of blood and transmission fluid mixed with the smell that the dawn of a new day brings. That sweet smell that a morning frost carries mixed with the smell of iron. It's a smell I will never forget.

I went to bed early while the family was out watching fireworks. Talked to the VA on the phone for about an hour last night. I was definitely melting.

Then I woke up today. I sat in my chair crying. I just can't seem to shake it today. I'm still melting. I just dont want it to be a months long thing. I just want it to go away. Please go away.

You are not welcome here
But for some reason you always appear
We are not friends
But here you show up again
No one ever gave you a key
But somehow you find a way in
Again and Again
I am asking to please go away
and to never come back another day.
Please.
The sadness you bring is unbearable
The nightmares you offer are terrible
We are not friends.
But still you keep coming in.
The tears and fears you offer is breaking me
Please go away.
I can't handle the weight.
Its just too heavy.
Please go away.
I am tired of this saltiness on my tongue.
Tired of the sounds of my sobbing.
Please go away.
You are making me so tired.
You have overstayed your welcome.
But you were never invited in.