Blast from the past

I was reading  through my notes and came across this document, I am now 37 this was wrote when I was 24.

Its very interesting looking back at my thoughts and how they’ve changed now. The grammar is not perfect, but this was wrote for me by me, 

I thought I would share 

Thursday  16th June 

Couldn’t sleep last night that’ll be the Speed! I’m so wired to the moon just now. It’s been well over 12 years since I was Drug Free. I am 3 and 1/2 months away from my 25th birthday. I never thought for 1 minute it would end up like this. I am Paranoid, Withdrawn, and Insecure. I have low self-esteem, no confidence, and a fear of any confrontation with anyone other than my Girlfriend. I lack motivation and drive and lack any real hunger to succeed in life. I can’t face getting out of bed in the morning. Why? 

I finally asked myself, what do I have to do to reawaken my Lust for Life? How can I let go of the black cloud that follows me wherever I go? 

I have to shake it off. It’s a simple as that. I accepted this state of mind into my Psyche, I am well aware that I am the only person who can truly change my pattern of thought. I can understand that I can’t do this without going against everything that occurs naturally and instinctively to me, after all I am the creator of my fears and the time has come to face them.

I was born in 1980 in a British Army Hospital based in Germany. My mother married my father an alcoholic when she was 18 my dad was 19 and was a very unstable individual.

I guess my mum fell in love with heartache and disappointment.

I find marriage to be a curse on whoever partakes in this imprisonment of self. Or is it that I’m also afraid of commitment? Silly Question really, I hate the fact that I might have missed my chance to be my own person, and become someone who I would have hoped to become one day. 

I never hoped to be messed up. I guess I know my dad after all. Then again I am my Fathers son.

I guess the reason I began this journal is to help me put the past behind me. Will anyone ever read this? YOU should know! Why do people write in the first place? It’s down to the individual to consider.

 

I can’t remember ever being happy. I think I grew up too quick. My father helped this process by bailing out when he couldn’t control the urges of alcoholism. He gave up his family for poison. Looking back now that’s when I lost my childhood when I lost my dad. 

Even when you are ten you have formed a view of the world which surrounds you. My view was that I had to replace my dad within me and to approach every situation as if I had a father guiding me, teaching me basic life skills and valuable lessons. I know my mum gave her all. My mother had to deal with 18 years of living with a Jeckle and Hyde character, this character eventually lets the demons in his mind set and that’s when there is know way back. Addiction of any sort can have a knock on affect where for example 

1. Can cause divorce,

2. Physical ailments 

3. Bankruptcy

4. Loss of friendships / family members

5. Serious mental illness

6. DEATH

7. Crime 

Most of all addiction steals your dignity, pride, self-respect, and your soul.

I have smoked Cannabis for more than 12 years. 

I have taken ecstasy frequently now since I was 14.

I have taken thousands upon thousands of magic mushrooms since I was 13

Taken speed every day for months at a stretch since I was 14

Drunk alcohol since I could open a can.

 

At one point I was taking over 30 in a weekend at one point and possible took well over 90 in a week.

I once took 6 in one go then 20 minutes later took another 6 still wasn’t enough? (Well I must admit I was pretty pickled).

I got busted for selling Ecstasy at a festival. I thought that would have been a wake up call? I suppose it was when I lost my job.  

But I had had a good year that year I made over £5000 profit in a year. I think that could have easily been £20000 if I had complete control.

That’s when things changed for good. I had spent seven years working as a chef at a top country house hotel. I had some how had natural flare and quickly made it up the ranks. I managed this even though my life was mostly dominated by the need to intoxicate my self. I guess the fact that I was so young and quiet it went unnoticed. I got lucky I found that job which was perfect in every way for me, I moved out of my parent’s home at 16 years and 6 months old. I wanted to get away from the drug culture that was growing faster the older I got. It didn’t work like that for me. I walked straight into a world I was escaping from. Drugs and alcohol are embedded into the hotel trade. I was about to get the worst idea I would ever have 

I would supply the staff block with all they could devour and not have to pay for my own supply, I tried this once before back home but it was too much hassle especially when your friends become your customers and then your enemies. You learn quickly who your real friends are.

So why a chef? 

If truth were told I haven’t figured that one out yet? Maybe I just stumbled upon a thought that I could do it. To begin it was a National Certificate in Hospitality and Tourism at College in my hometown. I knew that if I could get a course at college I could leave school six months early. As it turned out I managed to leave school nine months early so I guess I had a bit of time to kill. I was well into cannabis at this point in my life and was starting to get a taste for chemicals and pretty much anything I could get my hands on, when I had a spare bit of cash. The problem was there wasn’t any spare cash I was broke and my maw knew that a wiz taking drugs cause my wee sister wrote it in her diary that she was getting stoned with me and ma mate Brett and that we ripped her and her little buddies off.  What did she know? She was only eleven. That’s the main reason mums buy a diary for there daughters so they can spy on them, or maybe that’s just my mum. I remember I saw my little sister after drinking alcohol once and I knew I had to do something about that, problem was I thought dope would be the answer. What was I thinking? That is when I started realising I was entering a point in my life where I had to start making some decisions of huge importance. So what did I do? I robbed the local milkman’s home and took £1300 in notes alone. We had hit the jackpot. An old friend of mine used to do a milk round and we used to collect the cash together then steal money to the equivalent of around £60 a week. One week though I was in the hallway of the milk mans house and as we had planned earlier I then removed the front door key off the key ring and slowly opened the front door and waited out side. We went back the next day and walked straight through the front door using the key. Things were about to get a bit weird for a while. But that is another story for another time.

Its Monday 4th of July 

 It was meant to be the first day that I did not smoke but I left enough to smoke for this morning. I think that my sub conscience has a lot to answer for, I mean most of the time when you decide to stop smoking you actually end up stoned before you know it.  Mean I can’t even be bothered to write this so I’m going to stop for a little sleep, but only after I have another bong! Goodnight!

Sunday 10th of July

I’m starving, my stomach is rumbling like thunder; I can’t eat though but the speed is really doing the damage now. I haven’t had a proper meal in weeks. To think I have a kitchen to take my pick from and I live on coffee, cannabis and bananas, just for good measure I have been told to take anti-depressants for the next 6 months, (fuck-sake) I just found out that dope is a depressant. I also read that coeliac’s are prone to depression after finding out they have a condition in which the affected (that’s me) cannot tolerate gluten which is found in wheat. That explains a lot. I have started to lose touch with my former self. Whoever that is?

On the surface I appear calm, together and confident, which couldn’t be any further from the truth. I have been burying my head in the sand now for too long and feel the time is now to look at things from the outside and try to imagine what people see when they see me and why? I mean I don’t even know who I see when I look in the mirror. I remind myself of the type of person I thought I’d never become. Hey but that’s life isn’t it!

It’s not that bad though I mean look at it this way I have a good job with potential too really do something worthwhile. I have a Brilliant, Beautiful woman at my side whom if it wasn’t for I probably would have self-destructed by now. Yes that’s right Michelle you kept me believing in myself by believing in me. Most girlfriends would have given up on me by now and for that I thank you.

Recently I have been working 6 days a week, which is not so bad when you are getting paid for it. Not to long ago I worked for 67 days without a day off and for what?