The Catalyst to Understanding my Self

Many may wonder what has become of me. The one who mysteriously vanished. Though, rest assured, it was just as mysterious for me as well. I was only the receiver of sensations with a voice, telling me where I had to go.

My life has been a curious one, this was not the first time I listened to an obscure sensational voice in my head. It is one and the same as the one that led me to Costa Rica, Northern California and the self imposed isolation in the U.P. of Michigan. I am never given hows or whys, only that I must. It has been such an exercise in faith and trust. Even though I have not trusted many people, I have been given reason enough to trust something higher than man. There is a guiding force that will provide for you, despite all perceived odds.

But enough of that rubbish...

Back to the question at hand, what happened to me?

I will take you back, back to the murky recess’ of my own hazy memories. From the end days of my Marine Corp. career. After being told I was to be expelled and striped of all benefits for being a designated driver. This was the final thing that snapped me. So many wrongs with what the U.S. has been doing, invading countries to force an opinion on others. The truth of what that opinion actually entails. The slow and steady realization that I was fighting for the wrong cause.

I wanted to make the world a better place, only to discover that I was nothing more than mob muscle, an unwitting imposer of Mafia like tactics, fighting to make the world far worse… and now this. The stripping of my benefits for my attempt to right a wrong from the past. To experience first hand that the powers that be do not care for those below them. We all are only puppets and pawns to further some unknown agenda. One which only benefits a few, and does nothing to better the human condition or humanity at large.

I was complicit in the extortion and manipulation of the mass’.
I was part of the destruction of innocent people.
I was deceived.

I wanted to save the world, only to find I had helped to make it worse. And, in the end, to see that it was all for nothing, was a lot to handle.

There seemed to be two paths laid before me. Concede to what fate had dealt me and go home with nothing, or rebel and wallow in despair. Destroying myself in hopes that others would see the pain that had been done to me over the years.

What would I choose? Acceptance or destruction?

Of course, I chose to probe the depths of the mysteries of life, found only amongst the ash and rubble of self-destruction. The question of “who am I” cannot be adequately answered with innumerable layers of concepts and ideas of who I thought myself to be, masking the truth buried beneath it all.

But it was fate’s guiding hand all along. This was a split in potential timelines, differing choices thrusting me into different potential futures. Shortly after things settled and I was on restriction with few people, a figure presented himself that would offer me the tools I would need for just such a task. The tools to not only destroy myself, but open my mind to a whole other realm of possibilities and understanding.

I do not know how to explain all this. A lot of things happened and my memories have them all bunched together as one.

But I shall try this...

On January 21, 2010, I was hospitalized for a drug overdose. From the time of losing consciousness and regaining it, many life times went by. Instantaneous glimpses of the entirety of lifetimes; there and gone in the blink of an eye. One moment I am inhabiting the body of a man walking, hand in hand, with his 6 year old daughter. The wife of this man had died in complications with the birth of said daughter. The close and surrounding area shows that this is the “past”. A wheat farm in the 1400’s. I witnessed the life of this man from his perspective and felt as he felt in times of high emotion… Was I this man in the “past”? I was reliving it “now”, the entirety of it was experienced “now”. Was it a new life to be experienced before returning to this one? Was it a flashback? Was it just a dream?

I also remember experiencing being killed in a battle in southern France. Killed by spear in the chest. I remember not being aware I had died until I was looking down upon my corpse laid strewn about on the battlefield. I remember being an orb of awareness. No thoughts nor singular sensation, only an orb of experiencing. Drifting above the battle still raging below. I was as a pendulum, drifting from side to side, as I continue to rise higher. Then, a moment comes, and the boundary of this orb is engulfed in a flame-like light, swirling back into itself. The orb as singularity, collapsing back into itself.

The curtain of light falls, and now I exist as a singular point of view within an infinitely vast ocean of perspectives. Infinity individualized as an individual photon of light. All the same, yet all different and still all part of the whole that is the ocean. Then, at some point, the light begins to take on density, shape and form. Swirling amongst itself until a picture forms, and the experience of life forms anew.

These things stirred my curiosity… What lies beyond human perception? What else is there? Questions many may ask, but unlike everyone else, I had experience. I witnessed other realms or possibilities or worlds. I left this life and experienced others, and then I returned.

This was only the beginning, my catalyst. From here I would continue my destructive ways, always seeking to walk the razor's edge again, but fearful of going to far now that I was doing these things alone. I didn't want to die for good in this life. I wanted a foot in both worlds at the same time.
I had always been displeased with the superficiality of the life we are taught to think of as “real”.

“What is real? How do you define what is real? If it is what you taste, smell, see and feel, than reality is nothing more than electrical signals interpreted by the brain.”

                    Morpheous, “The Matrix”

Existence is the translation of light into form. An interpretation, nothing more. Who gave you the codex for this translation you are living out? Who gave you the definitions to those specific interpretations of the sights and sensations you perceive as “good” or “bad”?

What do you believe to be real?

Anywho, story to be continued...