Why Finding Dory left me Broken and in Tears (An Autism Mums Perspective on Wandering)

It's a news report most people have heard from one time to another, a child/person with autism has gone missing and the search is on - unfortunately these stories rarely has a happy ending.

Autism is a complex disability, one difficulty people with Autism face is an inability to sense or register danger in their surrounds or the world in general.

Both of my children have areas where they shine and excel, however neither of them have the capacity to understand or sense danger - even when it seems blatantly obvious to everyone else.

There is simply no understanding of everyday dangers, cars on roads, bodies of water or the understanding that sometimes people themselves can be a danger.

Unfortunately our daughter Katana has the intelligence and predication to wander, she has managed to escape from home, whilst on a school excursion and even from her high gated special school.

There are multiple reasons Katana wanders, she loves to run and be chased, she see something that she likes and wants to go to it, or simply she gets distracted whilst walking and doesn't even realise shes wandered off.

Katana has now escaped from care on multiple occasions some only for a few moments others, ten plus minutes and during the worst occasion she couldn't be found for over 20 minutes.

Every one of these instances left me shattered and emotionally distraught, I was ecstatic to have my baby girl back and safe but reeling at the possibilities of what could have happened - or what might happen next time...

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Finding Dory:

A while ago as a family we sat down and watched the much anticipated sequel to finding nemo (an all time favorite of Kais), as the story unfolded and I began to realise just how Dory came to be with Marlin and Nemo.

I knew from the trailer that she was going to find her family, but I didn't realise how she had gotten separated from them in the first place - and I hadn't realised just how close to home this cartoon movie would hit us.

I felt waves of emotion watching this movie, from Dory realising that she herself is lost, to the fear and panic as she urgently struggles and searches to find them - before she forgets again.

The elation her parents felt when they were reunited, to the panic in their eyes when she wanted to help save her friends - I felt every emotion along with them.

Even writing this I can feel the tears welling in my eyes, I realised mid way through that this movie is the cartoon of my worst nightmare.

Yes there are big differences between Autism and the memory issues that plague Dory, but the fundamentals remain the same - a child wandered off and as far as her parents knew she was gone.

This is a reality I have been faced with luckily only for short periods of time, but even these short disappearances have left us distraught.

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The Opening Flash Back:

From the very first seconds of the film her parents are coaching her on what to say to people if she gets lost, her name and the condition she suffers from - short term memory loss.

It becomes obvious that this is preparation for her to start school, as the next thing they attempt is to show her is how other children play and methods she can use to find friends to play with.

This is something @ausbitbank and I do regularly with our kids, we model how to play with others so they can learn how to approach or engage children to play - our kids prefer solo play with little to no interaction with their peers.

By this stage I was feeling choked up and a little depressed, I saw so much of our own lives there in front of me and it wasn't easy to watch.

Next thing while attempting to show her how to play hide and seek, they hide and while Dory counts she gets distracted and starts to wander off.

On top of this she is headed directly into the path of the undertow, a danger you learn they had already warned her about multiple times before - they even had a song to help her remember.

The fear and panic in their expressions seemed so familiar and realistic for the situation, this happens so often in the Autism community it really started to hit home.

This is all in the first two minutes of the movie, I was already in tears and sobbing - they had perfectly encapsulated our lives and our greatest fears.

I felt so much compassion for those poor parents, they did all they could do to keep their baby girl safe and it still wasn't enough.

This is exactly how I feel in life, @ausbitbank and I go above and beyond to keep both of our kids safe and yet all it takes is a moment and they are gone - the vigilance required to keep them safe, is so far beyond exhausting.

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Dory's Time Lapsed Search:

So immediately after the credits we see childhood Dory searching everywhere for her parents, she is sometimes helped by people - but she is most often ignored or disregarded.

Then we see her crying alone at night, lost and frightened with no one helping to look after her or aid her in her search for her family.

As the time lapse continues we see that even as she grows older her search for her parents never ended, even when she had journeyed far from home and had forgotten who it was that she was searching for.

This is when one of the most heartbreaking instances occurs for me, Dory is now an adult and you realise she has spent her entire life until this point alone.

Most other characters still pay little to no attention to her at all, and most seem more comfortable pretending she doesn't exist.

This part really crushed me because it realistically depicts how people in general regard and interact with people with disabilities.

This movie was far more telling than I had expected and was causing an emotional reaction that left me devastated.

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The Journey:

We soon flash further forward and learn that since finding Marlin (already a special needs dad) Dory has been living with them and he has continued to watch over and care for her.

We then discover she has returned to school in spite being an adult, this again helps to demonstrate she still needs help learning - as with most disabled people education/therapy is lifelong.

It is while on an excursion (one they didn't want her to go on because she wanders) she is again sucked into the undertow and remembers that she has a family - and realises if she doesn't act fast she might forget them again.

She has to convince Marlin her caregiver that she has to find her family, she eventually convinces him that she needs to go - Marlin agrees but knowing she can't go alone they set off as a family.

Once they make their way across to California (Dory's home town) the turtles drop them off and they enter a darkened area that makes you feel uneasy.

However Dory seems oblivious to this apparent danger and swims off calling out loud for her parents, Marlin tries to quiet her down but she continues to yell.

She yells even louder at Nemo's prompting and all the local animals pop their heads out and shush her, this prompts a new memory of her parents names and inspires her to keep yelling louder and swimming on faster and further.

The crabs continue to shush her repeatedly and Marlin attempts to explain that there may be danger, she responds by describing the giant creature she woke behind them in great detail - but still seems oblivious to the danger of the situation.

This oblivious reaction seemed so familiar again my kids don't have any concept of danger, things other children are afraid of don't phase my kids at all.

We eventually learn that her parents left trails of shells in an attempt to aid her to find her way home, yet another perfect example of parents doing what they can to help their child be safe.

It is in this moment that she remembers the night she got lost, she overhears a conversation her parents are having - her mother is in tears distraught over her daughter's future and safety.

Again I'm in tears I have had multiple conversations like this with @ausbitbank and also with parents of other disabled children I know, we all have the same fears - will our babies be safe and loved even when we're not there?

It is in that moment Dory went to get a shell her mother loves to cheer her up, then a new emotional beating come our way with Dory thinking it's all her fault - when in truth her disability may have caused this but it is not her fault.

By this stage I am a blubbering mess I've been crying on and off for an hour and whilst the comic relief does help, I was simply unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster this movie causes.

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Finding Dory's Parents:

As the end of the movie is approaching Dory still hasn't found her family and has become separated from Marlin and Nemo, she ends up lost and confused and forgets why she is there and what she is looking for.

Again the tears come unbidden to my face, as I watch the devastated Dory alone and overwhelmed by her situation and location - try to figure out what to do and where to go.

The loneliness and sadness in this moment is crushing, the empathy I felt for this cartoon was insane - but it just feels like something that could happen to our kids and I just can't bare the thought.

She pushes herself onwards and somehow finds her new parents home and is finally reunited with them, the joy of having their daughter back again was overwhelming for me.

Even now I am sitting here crying just thinking about it, even after all this time they had never given up hope and in fact had spent everyday of their lives collecting shells - trying to find a way of bringing her back to them.

It's devastating to think about the implications this event has had on these characters lives, they have all worked for decades searching for one and another.

It's both a heartwarming and heartbreaking scene, that really captured what it's like the moment you're reunited with a lost child - it's always a highly tense mixed emotion moment.

Just as I felt the emotional beating was over, Dory decides she needs to go and save Marlin and Nemo.

The sheer terror on her parents face as they are immediately subjected to the prospect, of again losing their daughter was unimaginable - I can tell you when Katana was reunited with me, I didn't let her go for over 40 minutes.

The saddest part here is that they let her leave knowing she may get lost, but knowing they can't keep her locked up indefinitely and at some point she will have to be able to function alone in the world.

It's so tough as a parent of a disabled child you don't want to be a helicopter parent but you know the risks of not being right there watching them every minute - you eventually learn to find a balance that works.

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In the end the movie was brilliant I loved it and couldn't recommend it enough, though I would say it s very hard for me and I assume other special needs parents to watch.

It confronts us with our deepest darkest fears and wraps it up in a nice little package that ends with a happy story, we know this ending isn't likely to apply to us - if and when this does occur.

Finding Dory tackled difficult issues and concepts and it's execution was perfect, the way in which they tackled this topic was brilliant.

They kept it positive and funny enough that the kids really enjoyed it, yet it contained a message I think the world really needed to hear.

Firstly raising awareness that people with disabilities can be prone to wandering, people need to know what to be aware of before they can help - this movie helped raise that awareness.

Secondly that there is a freedom and inhibition in people with disabilities that we neurotypicals simply lack in life, there is so much we can learn from people with special needs.

The movie in general is masterful in addressing and even accentuating the issues faced by the characters, the overall themes of the story are executed without failure and not only aim to entertain but to educate.

Wandering will always be an issue for our family, it's a constant fear and concern our children will disappear on us - there is little more we can do, than Dory's parents did.

I just hope that viewers of this movie walk away with more than just the memory of a funny movie, and realise the serious issues and topics this film raised.

As an Autism mum I can't recommend this movie enough, even though it left me in a blubbering mess - it was worth it to see them reunited in the end.

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