Trying to decipher ADD/ADHD, and how to remedy it.

Or: My review of the current state of ADD & ADHD Medication, as a late-adopter.

Atomoxetine which is the essential compound of Strattera, which is the drug I am currently trialing to evaulate its effects, and side effects, with regards to ADD treatment. Drawing of its chemical compund bindings By Jü — CC0

A little over a year ago I got a diagnose that showed that I have what we, these days, call ADD. While I wasn’t completely shocked to find out I had this diagnose (I had been reading up on it and its symptoms beforehand, knowing that I was plagued by many of the common tendencies) — it was still a strange discovery to make, being in my early thirties.

Since then, I’ve been on a, long lasting, medicinal trial to find what kind, if any, medication that brings more benefit and remedy to the ADD than it introduces downsides and side effects.

So far my experience with this trial has been… mixed.

While there are notable improvements to the some of the nuisances that the ADD imposes in my day-to-day life, there are also side-effects that are very similar to ones I know very well from my very own “peer reviews” of the upsides and downsides of amphetamine, cocaine, and the likes. And to me — thus far — I have yet to try out a treatment where the benefits outweigh the downsides.

First of all let me give a brief summary of what led me to take the tests which resulted in this diagnose.

The major trigger point was when a close friend of mine told me that he was exploring the possibilities of himself having ADHD/ADD due to a coworker of his having been quite insistent that it was the case for quite some time.

When he listed the common symptoms that people with this diagnose, and how he related to basically everyone of them, it more or less struck me in that instant that — holy fuck, I’ve been walking this earth for 30+ years with this diagnose without even realizing it. Or at least not acknowledging it, at all.

The symptoms he listed, who struck me as a pretty good brief summary of my persona, was as follows:

• Forgetfulness — Ok, so besides the fact that I loose at least 5 credit cards per year. Each time I come home, no matter how long I’ve been trying to train myself to hang my keys on the coat hanger in my hallway, I seem to find ever new and creative places to put those god damn keys. This occurs several times a week, perhaps even once a day. And it is something that becomes a major nuisance when you, for the third time in the same day, end up turning your own place inside out just trying to recreate the steps you took when you entered your own apartment.
• Lack of interest — this one is kind of interesting to me (no pun intended), I don’t lack interest in general. But if someone are trying to talk to me about a topic I either feel I know enough about from before, or that is of no interest to me — my brain is 100% able to totally zone out, and it does so automatically. Its kind of like my brain just decides; fuck this person, or topic, and goes off on a journey of its own — exploring thoughts and ideas that are completely unrelated to whatever I’m pretending to participate in a conversation about.
• Hyperfocus — OK, so this sounds sort of contradictory to the previous point but it is more complementary than anything else. You see, as long as it comes to a topic that piques my interest, I will stay attentive while talking to you. I also have the ability to loose completely track of time and place as soon as I get started on something that is within my fields of interest. This is one of the major upsides to this diagnose, though its not like this “feature”” can be turned on like a lightswitch. It comes and goes.
• Thrillseeking — Yup, guilty as charged (literally). This does not necessarily have to be related to illegal activities, a lot of people with the same disorder manage to channel it in other ways than breaking laws and challenging authorities — but for years that was my favourite way of satisfying this urge. Some find discharge in adrenaline related activities, extramarital affairs, gambling, et cetera. This has (I suspect) been a major driving force in both my criminal affairs but perhaps also my need to explore basically any illegal drug available to man. Luckily I’ve been smart enough, or at least not stupid enough, to give Heroin a try — though. Yay, applause for me — the brainiac.
• Procrastination — Not sure if this applies to me, I’ll cover it later in any case.
• Quick Temper — Oh yeah, I know this one. If something pisses me off, it really pisses me off! And if I let something annoy me without getting an outlet for it for too long, it has an effect similar to that of a pressure cooker bomb. It was worse when I was younger, but it still resides and as soon as I feel that I legitimately have a reason to get angry about something you can bet that I accept that reason without any hesitation (or procrastination😎).
• Impulsiveness — Yup, that’s an issue I might have to deal with from time to time. Or basically all the time. I can make the worst decisions, that will affect me, or people around me, negatively — and I can do so in record time. Make no mistake about that. My decision making has so far worked without any particular form of prior consideration, as I have come to realise that a lot of “normal people” use, before making any decision.
• Restlessness —Fuck yeah! This is a major one, this is that perpetual machine that keeps me from relaxing like any other normal person. Want me to watch a movie? Sure, just don’t be bothered when I pick up my phone every 5 minutes.
  This one is also probably a major trigger for me when it comes to cannabis and alcohol, both of which enables me to shake this (or so it seems) for a short while. In me, it has manifested itself in a less-than-obvious way, and that probably has been one of the biggest reasons to why it took me so damn long to actually realise that ADD/ADHD was something I should examine for my own part. A lot of my friends laugh when I tell them I have a disorder with the word “Hyperactivity” in it as that is not an attribute it seems most people would associate with me — don’t ask me why…
• Concentration problems — here is another one where I know I’m off the charts (as shown by test results). Try to get me to do something that I find uninteresting or boring, I’ll find thousands of reasons to fill that task with thousands of distractions that’ll keep me occupied with anything else than whatever that boring shit might be.

That was basically the of symptoms, as told by my friend, supplemented with how I immediately could relate when I heard him list them.

He got me thinking, that’s for sure. What’s more. After my arrest, and subsequential release, the first thing I did was to seek counseling for what, prior to my arrest was a pretty healthy apetite for drugs and “partying” as I led myself to believe it was. Basically it can be summarized like this:

So because of that 👆 — just after my release — I sought counseling for those tendencies. But it wasn’t until I had been going to a substance-abuse therapist for close to a year and a half before my friends path towards an ADD/ADHD diagnose on his own, ignited this spark in me as well.

I remember very clearly my therapists immediate reaction when I simply loudly contemplated the possibility that I perhaps should consider going forward with some test related to my impatience and impulsiveness, and I can’t exactly claim that her reaction to that suggestion were in any way negative.

Actually, it felt like something she kind of had figured out a long time ago — but hadn’t told me, and for good reason — we were just getting known and life was a bit weird back then. This is just after my release from custody, remember, and my life has never been the same as it were in the years prior to my arrest, so I was in a phase of my life where I was trying to get accustomed to that new, and strange, transition.

And in trying to fight some sneaking suspicions that my decision making skills prior to my arrest, were not as honed as they should have been at that age, I aired my suspicions.

A month or so later, after a few tests the results were clear. They also painted a clear picture on how this diagnose could go unnoticed for so long. Hyperactivity was not a (visible) issue, and my memory was actually above average compared to what the tests indicated was normal in the general population I could easily conclude this was the main reason for this not being an obvious issue earlier in my life. I never really had a hard time at school, at least not when I bothered to do put an effort into schoolwork.

After this, it was on to some medical trials, which I’m still in the process of. And this experience has been weird, I guess is the shortest way to sum it up.

The main reason for this is probably that a majority of the drugs that are used to treat, or remedy, ADD/ADHD is very similar to Amphetamines, for better or worse. And for me that became a strange realisation, especially considering that I from the age of 15 to 20 had periods where I used a lot of speed. So many of the side effects that I knew from earlier in my life returned, especially lack of apetite and loss of sleep (or no sleep) are the most bothersome.

While I’m not completely through the list of “remedies” I’ve had the chance to work my way through the majority of available treatments. Here is a short list of what I’ve been trying so far and what my experiences with these drugs are:

• Ritalin (a.k.a. Methylfenidate)— this was, fortunately for me, a short trial. I tried it a couple of days and I felt like a nervous wreck the entire time. For financial reasons, this is usually the first drug a lot of people test to tread ADD/ADHD (it’s cheap). And in my opinion it is by far the worst I’ve tried. If I ever get a craving for walking around with a constant sense of anxiety, at least now I know what pill to take 🙄. As Methylfenidate is the main ingredient in other drugs as well, such as Concerta, I could strike all of those of the list even without trying them.

• Elvanse (a.k.a. Lisdexamphetamine) — This was one of the first drugs that gave me the very clear relisation that the drugs I was trialing was closer to amphetamine than I’d ever imagine. I got some very well recognisable sensations of awareness, goosebumps, a sort of tickling in the stomach/diafragma that can be compared to going downhill on a rollercoaster. I also felt a heightened sense of awareness/concentration which was the effect I was in search of. But for me the duration of these pills made them unbearable. I could take one at 7AM and I wouldn’t be able to eat much all day, and worst of all I’d consider myself lucky if I was able to go sleep again at 5AM the following night. A quick Google search reveals that Lisdexamphetamine is used for treatment against binge-eating as well, which makes perfect sense to me. I lost about 4–6 kilos of bodyweight during the 4 weeks I tried this drug.

• Attentin (a.k.a. Dextroamphetamine) — Again this drug gave me a lot of the same sensations and experience as the above one, I had a heightened sense of awareness, but I did not experience the goosebumps or tickling effects, which I was happy to experience as that gave it a very “speed” like association for me which I’d rather avoid as I was trying to cure something and not get high in any way. It also affected apetite in the same way as previous drugs, though it was not as long lasting as Elvanse so it was not as hard on my sleeping habits, but it still had a noticeable effect, I could not take the entire daily dosage (3 pills between 7AM — 14PM) without having trouble sleeping the same day. I could however take one pill at around 7AM and the last one at around 11–12PM and have a pretty decent nights sleep.

• Metamina (a.k.a .Dextroamphetamine Sulphate) — as with all of the above, Metamina also belongs in the amphetamines family, and at this point it had become obvious to me that anything resembling speed in any form or way is nothing I’d want to take every day, or even a couple of times a week. With that being said, this drug actually was the mildest when it came to side effects. It was not as long lasting so I found it easier to

• Strattera (a.k.a Atomoxetine) — This is where I’m at now. And though I’m not 100% sure yet I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m not going to stick with this medication either. The reason for this is basically that I’ve been experiencing some paralyzing headaches since I started testing the medication and when I try to adjust my dosage it directly affects the headaches. For instance, my first week on Strattera I made the mistake of taking 1/4 of the daily dosage (I was taking 10mg a day instead of 40mg).
  So for the first 7 days I had a minor headache. When I discovered the error and upped my dosage I instantly went from having a minor headache to a major headache. After some online research I see that the number of hits that appear when you Google Strattera + Headache suggests that this is a common issue for many people using this drug. I’m currently contemplating wether to stop this trial now (and perhaps pick up on it while incarcerated) or to try and hang on for a few more days while I see if the headaches will pass.
  A major benefit of this medication is that its not a central stimulant like Amphetamine so there is no noticeable impact on either sleep or apetite, which is a huge benefit. It has not induced any anxiety either.

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Wether or not I stick to Strattera for a while longer, I’m almost positive that I’m getting close to end of the road for me when it comes to trying to remedy the ADD with drugs, meaning: I won’t be up for whatever drug comes “next in line” from my physician, but I do have a few ideas of my own that I might consider.

The whole trial has been a long and strange period with major weight loss (around 10kg’s) and a crazy sleep schedule, in effect I was going on little to no sleep for weeks at a time — which, obviously, is not very sustainable in the long run.

I’m not going to conclude that the trials have been a failure, though. I’ve learned a lot about what the ADD/ADHD diagnose really affects and how it feels to have some of those symptoms “cured” for a short time period.

This gives me a useful baseline for a “desired” state of mind, and though the drugs I’ve been testing have had their share of unwanted side effects they have at least given me a pointer with regards to how things should be in a “normal” state — whatever that is.

Before I started trying out all those different types of medication, I had been using physical excersise to combat many of the symptoms, with good results. Specifically restlessness and concentration issues had major benefits when I kept physically active and had at least one exhausting workout session per day.

There are also some alternative treatment methods that I might consider, I’ve read that microdosing with LSD can have positive effects on ADHD, I myself have had some other mental benefits of LSD usage in the past — though those experiences can hardly be classified as microdosing.

I’m also a bit curious about Modafinil, so I’m contemplating if that might be a last resort. Unfortunately, Modafinil is not approved for ADHD in my country so I’ll have to order some from a darknet marketplace and have it shipped to a neighboring country — which is kind of appealing because I like to do stuff I’m not supposed to be allowed to do. But its also kind of a hassle to have to go that route, and to be honest it is one thousand times easier for me to get my hands on some LSD right now than Modafinil so perhaps thats my first “unofficial” trial.

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To sum it all up, I have had both major upsides and side-effects from the “official” medication I’ve been trialing for ADD/ADHD so far. And I guess the most obvious lesson learned so far is that there probably does not, and perhaps never will, exist a drug that will cure my symptoms 100% without leaving me either sleepless or without apetite.

My feeling right now is that physical activity relieved me of my symptoms in a way more healthy and sustainable manner than any of the medication I’ve tried so far has come close to, and I suspect that will be the case with either LSD or Modafinil as well. If I ever try out those last two alternatives, though, I’ll give them a “review” as well.

The most obvious benefit of this whole trial has been to get a feel for how my mind works when the most obtrusive symptoms are cured, and that has been an awakening experience for me and it has been very helpful to let me know what to aim for.

If you have been contemplating going down the same pill-laden route as I’ve been recently, I would have a hard time either recommending to do it or not to do it.

I think it is highly subjective wether that will be useful to you or not.
If you do decide to give any of the drugs I’ve mentioned here a go, though, at least you might have a clearer image of what side effects to expect and be aware of and hopefully that will leave you better suited to withstand them.

Seriously though, who am I trying to kid — if you had anything resembling ADHD you’d never read this whole piece to its end 😂