Teach Your Kids That They Have a Voice

Every child is completely unique. I certainly don't subscribe to any train of thought that uses a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. I simply share from my own experiences from my small sliver of life.

My children are intensely polite and accommodating. So much so, that they will bend over backwards to be helpful, kind, or simply be a good sport about doing something they don't have any desire to do. As a mother, this trait is fantastic! They make my life incredibly easy. But out in the real world, where they need to interact with other kids, teachers, coaches and even extended family, I've discovered that teaching them that their opinion not only matters, but must be heard, is vital.

I am a strong believer in teaching kids obedience. There will always be those "Get out of the street right now so you don't die!" moments of parenting, when a child needs to simply obey quickly without understanding or further discussion. But as they get older, those situations become less frequent and the training switches more to learning how to make the right decisions on their own, rather than simply mindlessly obeying instructions.

I have had many conversations with other parents where they tout their young teens obedience skills. They have created a culture in their home where 'My way or the highway' is a part of nearly every discussion. That may work well for them while they are in their home environment, but I have seen those same children be more susceptible to falling into the wrong friendships with peers.

The ingrained and habitual training of a child to simply follow instructions, will inevitably lead that child to constantly seek out others to instruct them in all aspects of their lives.

 
Our world is full of people ready and willing to boss a child around. There is a seemingly endless supply of naturally controlling people or plain old bullies. One child that I know has been 'adopted' by every bully in their class for the last 4 years. The mother is perplexed as to why this keeps happening, but she doesn't realize that by teaching her child to simply submit and not exercise her own will, thoughts or opinions at home, she has been training her child to also submit to bullies without even attempting to resist.

I have had to discuss this topic regularly with my girls in regards to their extended family. When they go to visit them, they are entering a culture that has none of the values that we adhere to in our home. This puts them in a predicament. Should they honor their elders and 'authority figures' and simply obey, or should they stand up for their values and decline to participate in certain activities? Teaching them to tread this line has been challenging but so worth it.

It is completely possible to speak and act with honor while at the same time, holding your ground.

 
My daughters have learned over the years how to hold a boundary while using honoring speech.

"No thank you" can be one of the most powerful phrases your child learns.

I feel like as adults we often feel pressure to explain why we don't want to do something or aren't available to do something. Our children pick up on this habit.

"I can't come today because I have... homeroom duty, a doctors appt, laundry to do, to pick someone up at the airport, etc."

We don't owe the world an explanation or excuse for why we are declining to participate. Our children need to understand that not only are they allowed to say no without providing a reason, but they are empowered to do so. For my teens they are often invited to watch a movie they know is inappropriate, or go to a location they know is not safe, or skipping class. Teaching my kids that you can still be completely nice while simply saying "No" has changed their lives. My children have not struggled with bullies at school, and they have over the years learned to stand up to their relatives in a respectful manner without fear.

Our kids voices matter.

It's important as parents to make sure they know that, and help them practice using their voice in strong, kind and respectful ways.