Anxiary #1

~Content Warning~ Talking about depression, suicidal thoughts/tendencies and anxiety. I'm not filtering myself. My thoughts are just going to be in text form. I use these posts to vent and bring myself out of severe bouts of anxiety/depression.

        So, I stayed awake for 58 hours. I went to sleep for 3 hours, then woke up and didn't sleep for another 22 hours. Then I slept around 11 hours, and as of right now, I've been awake for 7 hours. Not doing too bad, but my reproductive area in general just hurts. I have an uncommon form of PCOS that causes uterine voiding. Essentially, women typically will have a period once a month for around 3 days to a week. I don't get mine for 6 to 10 months at a time, but then everything comes out in periods that can last months. It's terrible, it's painful, it's depressing, it completely immobilizes me and turns me into subhuman mush.

         Let's not forget that it's merely a result of PCOS itself. I also have cysts on and off quite often. They range from the size of pin heads to the size of walnuts, at least in my experience. Sometimes I pass cysts during my menstrual cycles, and that's just horrific. Back in October, I experienced uterine voiding once again, but while I was at work. My best friend came to my work with new shorts (my current ones were covered in blood and what I assume was likely urine) and brought me to an emergency walk-in clinic. I spent well over 6 hours there. I had bloodwork, cat scans, ultrasounds and all kinds of other shit done in this period of time. They chalked it up to a uterine voiding episode and told me to take a solid month break from work. I was back to work two days later, just taking it easy though.

        I get a call about 2 weeks later from the hospital who runs the walk-in clinic, and they told me that the way the largest cyst they were seeing seemed to have been a cyst found two years ago when I got a regular internal evaluation done. It was acting "aggressively" because it seemed to them that it was changing in shape and size. The next time I had it looked at, I was told that everything was just inflamed and they must have just read the scan inaccurately. I totally understood that, but for months I was at home and in complete agony, assuming that my chances of having cancer were pretty great. Turns out my PCOS/uterine voiding flare-up just really kicked my ass.

        Now, in the meantime, my fiancee's truck is literally falling apart. It was a 99 Sierra, completely rusted out, welded up, rusty in another spot, weld that, and so on. So we decided to let it be a problem for someone else, and I took a pretty hefty loan out for a nice little Chevy Captiva. We purchased this car in a state where there is no sales tax, but we live in a state with pretty high sales tax...I signed the paperwork to have the sales tax just added into my loan payment, and we went over the exact numbers and I had my card all set up and everything before we left the dealership. I go to make the first payment and it's pretty low. Come to find out, we need another 800-something dollars to register this vehicle because the sales tax wasn't included in the loan. Turns out the guy who helped us do the paperwork for our car at the dealership didn't sign that paper, so it was voided as a "measure to ensure my satisfaction and privacy" YET I signed that paper. I guess that since he didn't sign it, that means he didn't explain that portion of the paperwork, so they assume I didn't know what I was signing or something? Either way, that put us in a situation where we absolutely cannot get ahead. I'm suddenly disabled because of my condition, my unemployment is now out, my fiancee is now the sole money maker. We're behind on a couple things, and the car was supposed to be registered in October. It's March 17th. He's sometimes working opening and closing shifts, changing locations for a chance at making a few extra bucks. If it wasn't for my grandmother and my best friend, and the fact that my fiancee works as a manager in a food-oriented establishment, we wouldn't have food. Food is expensive. Apparently I make too much money for food assistance, and I'm not working and currently am not receiving any kind of benefits/income.

        Life just fucking sucks. I was not born to simply pay bills, stress out, hate myself for not being capable of contributing much, want to kill myself after letting my thoughts, my worries and my stresses dart aimlessly around my mind. One minute I'm rushing to send emails,schedule medical stuff,talk to a lot of companies looking for at-home positions like customer service and telemarketing...Next moment, I'm staring at the large bottle of ibuprofen in my desk cubby. It's buzzing, like the thoughts flying through my head. The wasp. I have used excessive doses of ibuprofen in attempt to kill myself before. A little over a year ago, I took a few bottles of ibuprofen all at once with a pint of cheap vodka I bought at my work. Two of said bottles weren't open yet, and they had 80 little brown-red tablets in them, so a total of 160 ibuprofen in those two bottles alone. I had old prescription pills that were meant for slowing my heart rate, and I took those as well. There were a palm full of them left, so I assume between 6 and 8 pills. If I remember correctly, they were pretty low dose. Didn't matter to me.

        I crawled under the house, because it was a really harsh portion of winter here in Maine, and sheiiiiiit it was brutal. I figured if I was under the house, I wouldn't have to worry about anyone finding my corpse. That's the only part I truly fear about death...Never having fulfilled enough, and anyone I love finding me in a state that I don't want them remembering me. I don't know how much time I spent underneath the house, but I do remember why my front of my head is feeling like this right now. I see a lot of green in my mind. A place where I am calm, but there is a buzzing all around the green little grove. There's stabbing motions,chipping away slowly. The trees are coming down. I don't know what it's doing. A blackened figure stands before me, a welcoming posture, but I don't know them. We lean up against a large stone building and talk side-by-side. He sighs and stands before me. I hear him sobbing, but only see his black, ghostly silhouette.

        His figure turns a little more gray and wispy around the edges. "I don't know what to do with you anymore. You're useless...I would just deal with it. Work, make money, get yourself out of the situation that you're in. There's no way you can actually be immobilized, you go to WalMart and shit. And you stay up late. If you can do that, you're clearly not as sick as you say you are. Probably just because you're on the bigger side, so it's likely you're just being a bit too lazy about it. You can do it." I shake my head. I tell the person that there is so much that I can do. Nothing but time will tell if I get better at this point. I'm doing what I can with the very little resources that I have. I'm sorry that you feel that I don't do enough. I'm sorry that I am the way I am. I don't know where this all started, but know that if I could have prevented things ever getting like this, I would have done so in a heartbeat. Please just accept me. Please love me. Please understand me. I don't know what I'm doing right now. I'm crying at my keyboard. It's looking at me. I have to go to the bank in a while.

          The balance is negative 170 dollars. It changed and I don't know why. I think I'm having an anxiety attack. His snoring is so loud, yet so calming to me sometimes. He doesn't think about me the way I think he does. He is a kind, gentle and understanding man, but I'm unreasonable and think the whole world is out to get me. I feel excited, like my heart won't stop racing. I feel a headache, a strain in the very top-middle of my head. I have to wake him up to go to the bank, I think. If it's 7:40am right now, and the bank opens at 8, we need to leave in about 10 minutes. I guess we live in a place where everything isn't too far away. Well, it's 8:22 now. We have to go to the bank. We did the diddly and now I can't even think straight. Cool beans. Let's see how this goes.