Yup. :D
One cannot run away from themselves. It is known. You happen to bring yourself wherever you go. This is also why suicide is pointless. Guess what? Nothing changes. You still can't run away from yourself. You can run to the edge of existence and you end up against an invisible wall. Congrats. Now what?
But that's not actually what I wanted to talk about. Something came up over the holidays that absolutely triggered me. Nothing happened, it was just a piece of information, delayed in space-time, but for me, that was the last straw and I could no longer brush under the carpet my brewing disgust. I wanted to spew poison, the snake that I am. And at the same time, I felt such shame, cause I had raised myself better than that and yet, not to acknowledge that force of energy just because I'm holier than thou.. yeah, no, that I couldn't do either.
So there, worked myself in quite a bit of a pickle. Remembered your post about compassion and felt even worse about being such a bitch. BUT. Yes, circling back to top - one cannot run away from themselves. Thus this - trying to understand what to do with my shadow totem - parasite.
How does one reconcile parasites..
Perhaps starve or kill them. Perhaps with some degree of compassion.
As I’ve been going through this transition of my own, having difficulty letting go while knowing it’s pretty much impossible to move forward without doing so, I’ve sometimes questioned whether suicide may be appropriate - not in the full out usual sense of killing myself entirely, but part of myself whose time is up. Parts of myself - whether it’d really be accurate to call “myself,” or its more just aspects of a personality construct fuelled by conditioning - that have become parasitic to the ‘better part of me,’ my soul, and wellbeing.
(Ended up doing a quick search on ‘parasite spirit totem’ and found this that gave some interesting perspective)... perhaps there’s wisdom there that it’s not even so much of a direct attack on the parasites or sides of ourselves that’ve been leeching off our better aspects, as much as the “starving” approach - which again, isn’t even so much a direct strategy as much as a byproduct of putting our energy into the other parts of ourselves that generate wellbeing - acknowledging the parasites, but refusing to give them more time or focus than is necessary past what it takes to extract the wisdom through our experience with them. Kinda like that popular quote, “there’s a good and bad wolf inside ya, the one you feed wins the fight.”
And then again, in your case, perhaps there may be some degree of reframing and self-compassion in order: was it really that you were a “bitch,” or might it just appear that way through a certain judgemental lens, when it actually could’ve been completely appropriate to act “bitchy” at the time as a means of solidly defending healthy boundaries? (Rhetorical question.) certainly, there are many who are not always clear on the distinction. And then sometimes, there’s a fine line between those two.
Plus, depending on what the information was, it could have been appropriate to offer the person such honest emotional feedback for them to get a reality check on the impact of their actions. Sometimes being “nice” is more selfish than letting out our anger on someone when it is justified, as it’d be denying them a look in the mirror they need to grow up and face the consequences of their actions on others.
Anyways... maybe there’s some nuggets of wisdom in there. Or maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. Certainly, every situation is unique and there are a lot of nuances to each that require consideration before arriving at any conclusive answers...
Wow.. you are indeed magical!
I did not expect so quick and thorough reply. In contrast, I did half-ass my comment, as I had feared. :D Oh, well, I'll learn. Eventually.
Interesting read, that link. I see that the answer is as always simple and the same - this too needs more love/spirit not less. Ok.
I know what you mean by selfish niceness trap, I am aware of such dynamics, but this was not the case, as the person in question was not present and has not been made aware of anything. It was more of the case of the outer feeding and cheering on the inner demons. That happens too often lately. When I know I'm in the wrong yet everyone around me encourages and then I can't find a way to explain how I am in the wrong and how they shouldn't agree.. :D
I mean I had to be honest to myself about what and how I felt, that much was clear, but it might not have been wise to voice it at that point.. but then again, what do I say when it's clearly written on my face that "something is wrong".
I just.., that neediness, greed, entitlement, audacity.. gives me shivers. Like in the presence of a person you always have to feel as if you owe them something, your energy, time, attention, money, everything. My natural, twisted, for sure, reaction to that is to go like, fine, you want this from me? Ok, take itx100! An energetical "Fuck you!" wrapped up in the physical appearance of altruism. But at least I am in control of the situation. xD
I am silly like that.
But that's actually my favourite part of being me. :D
I've found ingenious ways to be evil and get away with it. xD
Ha ha. Your questions pulled it out of me. ☺️
Looping back to Human Design... I guess you could look at through the lens of assessment that if you're feeling that kind of anger, it's a giveaway that you've been operating incorrectly - so could use that feedback to try probe where you went off course and we're following your Strategy & Authority. (And of course, some harsh words may be likely to come out if you aren't waiting for those emotional waves to complete and arrive at clarity).
Either way, sounds awesome that you're loving yourself like that. :-)
Do you have Gate 21 defined? Also curious what centers you have open that might contribute to that sense of "owing others something," where that pressure may be coming from.
And, is it really "evil?" And, is it really you that found ingenious ways to be evil, or have you been operating from conditioning in those moments, having your strings pulled by other forces/entities to operate their evil magic through you...? 🤔😈🤣😋
Oh, shit.. I just realized.. how I perpetuate that (neediness, greed, entitlement, audacity) dynamic. It is ONLY possible because I occupy a rather arrogant position of being, having, living MORE than that who'd wish to leach off of it.
And THAT is just not true. I don't have to level with them on the ground, but I can hold them to my calibre, recognize the truth. They have their own spine to lean on, their own massive backing of energy and I do a HUGE disservice by perceiving them as less of.. for then they look to me as their saviour, instead of looking at themselves!
And then, if I hold them true to my own calibre, not only does that help them realize their potential, but I also get them off of my energetical back..! HA!
(mindblown)
😁
I can't help but notice, how I'm quite undefined.. in comparison to others, but I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
The KEY thing about open centers:
These are where we tend to amplify and distort.
So it could likely be that when you get triggered, it’s that you’re picking up (as the open centers are more like receivers than transmitters for frequency) others’ energy, amplifying, then distorting it.
The alternative that comes with increased awareness is mere observation, acknowledgement of what is not yours, and the wisdom of what exists on those frequency spectrum you’re picking up without indemnify it with it.
😉
"IDENTIFY" with it. (Last sentence. stupid Steemit wouldn't let me edit, giving me error message).
(I'd also guess that this is a matter where waiting for the emotional waves before responding might come in handy, as that time delay may allow us to process out what we've taken in - giving us more time to discern whether we've amplified and distorted or not, and thus not reacting prematurely based on those distortions).