A Long & Difficult Road - Cancer & Grief Part 1

The road to today has been such a long & difficult one.
Everyday is still hard & I imagine it will feel that way for the rest of my life. I wanted to share my story, but if this is too hard to read for you then please exit out. This is my story of going through my mom having breast cancer & her passing when I was in my early 20's & what that experience was like for me. In light of trying to get to know one another more & sharing content that has depth & value, I felt like this would be a good thing to write out & share. Perhaps one of you is currently battling this or has had someone in their life battle this, so maybe this can give you comfort.

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There were some really big moments in my life prior to my 20's that I would describe as challenging & traumatic. But the majority of my youth was filled with pretty good memories, lots of adventure & love. Love from my parents, my siblings, family & friends. I think I grew up with a fairly wise soul... possibly from having 7 older siblings & being an auntie at 2 years old. Not that I didn't have my terrible dramatic teenage years, but I stayed fairly level headed I would say. I also though, hadn't really thought too much about cancer. Back then I only knew of one of my friend's who's mom had breast cancer, and her mom beat it twice!

I remember my mom telling me out of the blue one day that she felt a lump in her breast and was going to get a mammogram to get it checked out. Her mammogram was later that day. I was working as a lifeguard & swimming instructor at the local YMCA at that time, so I figured I would call her on one of my guarding rotations. I thought for sure it was nothing & that I'd call & she would say it was nothing.

My rotation came & I called home. She picked up & I asked her how her mammogram went. She said: "I'm so sorry hun, it looks like I have breast cancer". I asked her what they found. She said the bump she felt was cancerous and was about the size of a miniature orange.

My mind went blank. I then started to think how foolish I was to call when I still had to go back to work. I kept thinking about what I would be going through. I didn't even stop to think that I should be with her. I didn't stop to think about what she must be feeling when she found out. My thoughts started to flood in... I'm only 20 years old. She's in her early 60's... she's so healthy & had 8 kids! She seemed so fine! I had to go back to work.

It's actually bizarre to me that I can recall that day so vividly in my mind, but the year and a half following that moment seem like such a blur. I don't even remember what I said to her when I came home from work that night. Did I say anything? Did I hug her? This happened in the spring I think & the following spring I had decided to move to Saskatchewan for different work after serving in a mission the summer before. I ended up moving back home that fall to be with mom & help her as her health was declining rapidly. While I kind of wish I hadn't moved in the first place, I'm also very glad I decided to come home to have that time with her. My 28 year old self kind of kicks my 21 year old self sometimes because today I know what I didn't know then. Today I would have stayed with her every moment if I could. But maybe it's good that I didn't.

She did the typical route... she cleaned up her diet even more (she already ate super healthy). She visited doctor after doctor. She then did chemotherapy. Then radiation. More chemo. More radiation to only discover one year later, the cancer was already in her brain. It was all over her body. One morning we had a doctors visit. He was a specialist to help us figure out what state we were at when it came to deciding what her next step should be. He asked her simple questions like "what day is it?" "what time does the clock say?" "Which way is left?" She couldn't answer the majority of his questions. Later that night, when we got her into bed I was alone with her & she asked me "what do you think I should do?" We talked about it a bit & decided radiation was not what she wanted to be doing until her death. She didn't want to feel so sick & tired if she only had months left to live. She decided that night on palliative care at home.

The next few months were spent with caring for her, writing out her schedule everyday so she could know who would be home, who was working, what was for supper, etc. Her new bed became downstairs in our family room & one of us still living at home would sleep down there beside her at night. I hated the "night shift". I never really sleep & dealing with your mom having seizures is terrifying. Although, I was a lifeguard at the time & was comfortable doing first aid, it's an entirely different experience all together when it's your mom. You're always on "alert mode" at night never knowing which night would be her last.

I was 21 when my mom passed away on a Friday evening, December 3rd, 2010. A week before, we thought for sure she was going to pass that night. So we had a huge family sleepover. All my siblings, in laws, nieces & nephews. We were crammed into beds, couches, floor, games room couch. We stayed up late visiting, eating oreos, drinking rum & cokes, drinking coffee. It was a fond memory of mine, all the family coming together. But then she carried on & lived for another week! We couldn't understand her strength. She was holding on for so long.

On the night she passed, one of her brothers was visiting. Some of my siblings & their families were also visiting. We all thought we were gearing up for another night. I had just finished bathing our golden retriever. The kids were getting their jackets on getting ready to leave, when out of no where my mom started breathing different. We rushed to her & someone went & got our dad who was taking a nap. My mom's brother just sat there so still & quiet, just being with her. One of my sisters sat beside mom & started telling her to just wait, dad is coming down. Dad came down, got to tell her how much he loved her, that he would miss her but that we would be ok. My sister then said: "It's ok mom, we'll be ok. You can go now". Just then, my mom open her eyes slightly (something she hadn't done for about two weeks), nodded, gave a little smile, then she closed her eyes & passed away.

While I felt so glad she was no longer in pain & with Christ, I was also deeply gutted. I felt so alone & empty even though I was surrounded by people. I all of a sudden longed for everything my mom was, to be back again. Her hugs, her smile, her wisdom, her strength, her courage, her love. Everything I took for granted, everything before cancer I could never get back again & that crushed me. I wish & still today wish I could call her up & just chat. I wish I could ask her advice when my kids are sick. Heck, I wish my kids could have known her. I wish my husband could have met her.

Death is a very sharp & painful journey to process. But it has to be processed. Eight years later & I'm still trying to understand everything. This is simply a small glimpse into what it was like for me as her daughter. When I say small glimpse, I truly mean small. I feel like my heart could burst with all the things I have to say about my mom passing when I was 21, but I think for now I'll leave the story there.

While much of the last year and a half of her life was a blur, there are still many moments where I distinctly remember so well to this day. Like close friends flying into BC to be with me & be there at her funeral. Friends spending time with me. Neighbours bringing over meal after meal. The flowers, the cards. While so many beautiful memories of love shown to us, there was also the distinct sad memories to follow. How the house no longer felt like a home. How it felt empty, hallow, depressed. Mom's truly do make a home. I remember crying in my room alone just wishing someone could be with me, while knowing that the rest of my family was also grieving. We all became so close throughout all of this, yet we couldn't be farther from each other at this time. We couldn't be to one another what we all needed individually as we all were grieving differently. It was such a dark & sad time. I felt like I was just floating around for a long time after my mom passed.

To this day, I can't even recall what I filled my time with the weeks following her death. I'm sure long drives, & trips to the beach with a coffee were likely the most common thing I did. But I think a lot of my time was spent laying bed, watching movies trying to bring back some nostalgia or something of when we watched those movies with mom. I'm not even sure, but I know now that it was just the beginning of a painful few years ahead.

I wanted to start with my mom's story with cancer, because that's where grief really became something I was acutely aware of in my life. That's when I was pushed out of adolescence into adulthood. I'll leave the story there for now & in my next few posts discuss the realities I lived for the next year. If you have questions for me, I'm very happy to answer them as best as I can.