The Most Demoralizing Experience of My Life, From Inside the Mind of a Reluctant Cam Girl

I “met” Pablo on Tinder. It was the weirdest Tinder "meeting" ever. He told me he’d recognized one of my photos (that photo above) from a cam website. It was true. Maybe that was an amateur mistake on my part, using the same photo. The thing is, my Tinder was connected to my Instagram, so that meant he knew my real identity.

Before I started camming, I decided that if people found out I was a cam-girl, I wouldn’t care. And really, I didn’t care about that aspect. The only creepy thing about it was the factor of danger/stalking which had never come up before, as my cam-identity was not connected or searchable to the real me. Now, this guy who had seem me, maybe in a public cam room, could go to my Instagram which then led to my website through a few steps, and after that, it wouldn’t be THAT hard to find me physically. Something just felt weird about it.

He immediately asked me if I would come to his hotel room and have sex with him. He ever offered to pay me, but said, “I doubt you will need to be paid after what I will do to you.” I rolled my eyes, though he didn’t see it, we were texting. His Tinder pics were attractive, but clearly, no. Camming is one thing. Prostitution is another. I get it that there are similarities, but there are also HUGE differences. Just a few months into camming, I already was starting to feel a lot of the negative things that would later surface as a looming darkness in my psyche, so having sex for money felt out of the question.

The problem was, I was desperate, eating the cheapest rice and pasta I could buy, and it was starting to affect my health. Carbs like that make you tired when overconsumed, and I’ve even heard that diet can significantly affect your mental health, which I 100% believe. Paying the rent and bills was getting harder and harder, and I just kept going into more debt after my dog’s surgery.

I started to feel weird for considering his offer for a lot of reasons. I didn’t want to do it, but if I could get a little bit ahead for just a few hours of “work,” why not? I have no disrespect for prostitutes. If that’s how you feel comfortable making your money, you should do it. Sex means a lot of different things to a lot of different people, and that’s fine. Uniqueness among humans is what makes the world a beautiful and interesting place. But for me, I barely felt comfortable camming from what the guys were starting to ask me to do. Imagine me in a real-life setting? Eek. And I don’t even need to get into the safety concerns of this setup, right? Those were also heavily on my mind.

After a few days, he offered to pay me for private camming on Skype. That, I could do. Doing it on Skype would mean I would be able to keep 100% of the money (the camming websites take a HUGE percentage). So I told him my rate of $3/minute, and that he had to pay me before the session through PayPal. Not long after, I checked my PayPal, and there was the money. So it began.

Fast-forward to lots of months later. I was still camming to supplement the diminishing writing work I was finding (diluted market, people offering writing services for so cheap that I couldn’t compete (kind of like Fiver, if you know what that is, whatever the reason, I was still camming). I had moved in with my boyfriend and was madly in love with him (I still am). He’s an artist too, a musician, and had just finished his Master’s in Live Audio and Music Production. He was also having trouble finding work. This was in Barcelona, where neither of us had work visas, and his student visa was up. The last thing he wanted to do in that moment was to move back home to Mexico, because he felt like he had just escaped. He was looking for jobs online, under the table, everything, but nothing was coming through. The rice and pasta life continued.

One day, Pablo texted me asking if I could do a cam session right in that moment. I told him about my agreement with my boyfriend, that I wouldn’t cam when he was home, but he was there. That’s when Pablo said, it’s fine, just suck his dick, I’ll pay you extra.

I took deep breath, considering it. Should I go ask my boyfriend if he’s interested, I thought. Pablo kept insisting. He was offering double the money of a solo cam session, and 30 minutes. How could I say no? My boyfriend likes getting his dick sucked, like most guys, so why would he care? His face wasn’t going to be in it. So I asked him, and his jaw dropped. Literally, his mouth was agape for at least a minute. Despite hesitation, the thing about desperation is that you do things you might not do otherwise. We are both really open people, so we thought, well, why not try. Sure, it’s weird, but if it’s horrible, we can just never do it again and put it behind us.

The next thing I knew, my boyfriend had his pants down and I was sucking his dick on Skype. Pablo, having paid for this, was giving lots of instructions about what he wanted to see. At first it was fine, normal. Then, it wasn’t. He was telling my boyfriend to choke me with his dick, to make me cry, to slap my face with it, to make me gag so hard that I couldn’t breathe, and only stop right before I really, truly couldn’t take it anymore. I was in so much pain, and on top of it, the fact that my boyfriend was seeing me like this and participating in it was breaking my heart. But we really needed the money, and I just kept telling myself: only a little longer, Jessica. You can do this. Just don’t worry. This went on for the majority of the half hour, until at the end, he told my boyfriend to finish in my mouth while deepthroating. I ended up gagging so hard I had to spit it out, and some mucus-y vomit came out with it.

I cried for hours after that. My boyfriend held me for awhile, but then he said he needed to get away from me for a bit. The whole thing just made him feel so horrible, and he needed space. All I could think was that he was thinking less of me, thinking gross things about me, having had to witness that and participate in it. It put me into a heavy darkness for weeks. I spent so much time alone in my room crying. Even though my boyfriend said it was fine, that that wasn’t the reason for him feeling so shitty, we had to live forever with that demoralizing experience in our memories, and it pushed us apart for awhile.

I wanted to block Pablo from my phone, but I also didn’t want him to send out any screenshots that he might have taken. He said he wouldn’t do that before we started, though I suppose it’s obvious that his trustworthiness wasn’t a quality I was familiar with or believed in. Instead, I just ignored him until he stopped texting me. Which he did. And he never sent any screenshots out to my knowledge.

It wasn’t until I was desperate again not that long ago, having so much trouble finding work, trying to avoid late fees on my vet bills for late payments putting me even further into debt, that I texted Pablo again. He wanted a session right away, and I did it, but it brought me right back to that horrible day. Also, he wasn’t satisfied with the dildo that I had, saying it wasn’t big enough (though, let me tell you, it is big). So he asked me if I would use something else, suggesting things that no one should ever put inside of them, like the nonbusiness end of a knife and a beer bottle. In the end, he “compromised” for a cucumber. It wasn’t so bad, the cucumber part, just the fact that he needed to make me feel like a worthless object in order to get off.

Now I blocked him. And I am fairly certain that I will never be communicating with him again. I guess my level of desperation would have to get to another level before that would happen, and I am doing everything in my power to avoid that situation. In the end, I would do anything for my dog, so if she ever needs more surgery or treatment, I will do what I have to.

Thanks for listening. Though I have lots of others, that is the my worst cam story. I know I’m stronger for going through it, and my relationship with my boyfriend is stronger too. I just really don’t want to do it anymore. I feel like the universe sent me here to Steemit just in time.

xoxo,

Jessica

p.s. In case you want to hear my intro story about how I got into camming in the first place and what it's been like overall, you can read it here:

https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@jessandthesea/inside-the-mind-of-a-reluctant-cam-girl-and-how-steemit-could-change-my-life